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Had an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips. Got a text saying: "Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley. Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show....... "A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been shagging my wife?" voice in the back shouts" You don't have enough bullets"..... My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your boobs cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for. Scouser went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge, he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty! A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?" The shopkeeper replies "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?" My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help". So I sent her a timetable. I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!

Ok, to start heres a treat of a few gems: My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said," You've got collara." I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down. My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.