Taxi for Johnson's good advice thread

[BigTone]

1 minute ago, Bat Fastard said:

You are a bloody racist snob then! 

Oh dear we are agreeing again

[BigTone]

17 minutes ago, Bat Fastard said:

  I never buy tyres because I change the car before they wear out.

Lada's are a bit like that so I hear

[Bat Fastard]

1 minute ago, BigTone said:

Lada's are a bit like that so I hear

Bloody good value and they go on forever.  My Eastern European friends are experts at cleaning them!  Lada get tyres from the local tractor factory, so no need to worry about wear and tear.

[BigTone]

2 hours ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

Extremely.

 

Ok TFJ, what's you next bit of good advice ? 

I like this thread.

[BigTone]

What is the best way to deal with those little stone chips we get on the paintwork ?

and

How do we keep the car smelling nice and fresh without a pine tree hanging from the rear view mirror ?

and

Where should I dispose of the Wife's body as she's starting to make the boot (or trunk to our USA followers) stink a tad ?

[...]

17 hours ago, BigTone said:

What is the best way to deal with those little stone chips we get on the paintwork ?

and

How do we keep the car smelling nice and fresh without a pine tree hanging from the rear view mirror ?

and

Where should I dispose of the Wife's body as she's starting to make the boot (or trunk to our USA followers) stink a tad ?

Mmmmmmmm ........... stone chips.

Get in the professionals - don't attempt a repair unless you know what you are doing. A bad repair will look worse than no repair at all. Deep scratches should be repaired to prevent rust.

Stinky cars, yes.

Remove rubbish from the car, don't use it as a litter bin. Make sure the smell is not being caused by moisture ingress (great term, that). If the car feels damp, do the following:-

1) Make sure the ventilation system is functioning correctly, in particular if you have air conditioning, then use it, FFS. One of the things aircon does is regulate the moisture in the car = less damp. This theory aircon ruins fuel economy is bollocks (sorry I know its Sunday). You do more harm by not using the aircon - your car may get damp, and the aircon needs to be used to remain effective.

2) Make sure the ventilation outlets are not blocked up, typically beneath the windscreen, and also make sure you remove any leaf litter from any gutters on the car, especially on the bonnet.

3) Remove the foot matts and even the carpet, and check for dampness in the footwells. This is the obvious place for leaks and for water to accumulate. Allow the car to dry our thoroughly, and then use the car with the aircon ON, or at least have windows open when you can. Re-check the footwells and if they are still damp get a garage to check for leaks if you can't do it yourself.

4) Vacuum the car out regularly. The best way to do this is with a good quality hand held vacuum. WARNING: these don't come cheap. I use a lithium ion dust-buster flexi. Autoexpress currently recommend the Gtech Multi II. Both are over £100 unfortunately. Or just use your hoover and an extension lead. Make sure you remove those matts, and give it a thorough vacuuming.

5) Clean the inside of the windows: use a proper cleaner e.g. Autoglym fast glass / interior glass cleaner. Use two microfibre cloths - one for application, and one for buffing. Once you have clean glass, NEVER: NEVER  wipe the glass with your hand to clear misting. Your hand has salt sweat on it and will attract moisture. Allow the demister / aircon to clear the mist.

6) If the carpets / seats / dash is grimy, use the correct product to clean.

Once you have done all this, there is no reason for your car to stink.

IMHO, car air freshner is one of the cheapest, worst smells in the whole word - a bit like cheap aftershave ontop of body odour: don't do it.

 

Regarding your wife's corpse - try to store it in the car for the minimum time you can:-

1) Wrap the body well, with at least two lots of thick plastic.

2) Move her while she is still fresh. I find once a corpse starts to break down, the juices get everywhere.

3) If you have a very large freezer, it is a good idea to freeze the body before moving her to the grave sight.

4) When time comes to 'get rid', place her in the boot. An estate car is best, as heavy birds are hard to get out of a standard boot on your own. If she is 'juicey' DO NOT be tempted to sit her upright in the passenger seat. It's also a faff doing make-up on a corpse unless you can do a good job of it.

5) After disposal of the 'package', thoroughly clean the boot, vacuum, and buy one of those cheap air freshners to cover the stench.

Cheers for now,

 

tfj

[WhistleHappy]

43 minutes ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

Mmmmmmmm ........... stone chips.

Get in the professionals - don't attempt a repair unless you know what you are doing. A bad repair will look worse than no repair at all. Deep scratches should be repaired to prevent rust.

Windscreen's can rust? ...Well f c u k me! never knew that...

We learn something everyday, thanks for the tip. Mr Taxi.

I'll keep mine well greased in future, better to be safe than sorry eh? .

 

 

 

[Septic Peg]

On 17/03/2017 at 08:16, BigTone said:

Ok, I just can't wait any longer:

I have some questions on car washing TFJ

1) Hand job or Car Wash ? (Dolly is good with the former)

 

@Dollymarie!!! I'm shocked! I though you were innocent! 

On 17/03/2017 at 11:50, Taxi for Johnson said:

It might work on Dolls, but it won't cut the mustard with a mean s-o-b like Mr Phantom.

"Phantom fetch, Phantom kill".

 

 

tfj

@phantom Are you part Alsatian or something?

3 hours ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

Mmmmmmmm ........... stone chips.

Get in the professionals - don't attempt a repair unless you know what you are doing. A bad repair will look worse than no repair at all. Deep scratches should be repaired to prevent rust.

Stinky cars, yes.

Remove rubbish from the car, don't use it as a litter bin. Make sure the smell is not being caused by moisture ingress (great term, that). If the car feels damp, do the following:-

1) Make sure the ventilation system is functioning correctly, in particular if you have air conditioning, then use it, FFS. One of the things aircon does is regulate the moisture in the car = less damp. This theory aircon ruins fuel economy is bollocks (sorry I know its Sunday). You do more harm by not using the aircon - your car may get damp, and the aircon needs to be used to remain effective.

2) Make sure the ventilation outlets are not blocked up, typically beneath the windscreen, and also make sure you remove any leaf litter from any gutters on the car, especially on the bonnet.

3) Remove the foot matts and even the carpet, and check for dampness in the footwells. This is the obvious place for leaks and for water to accumulate. Allow the car to dry our thoroughly, and then use the car with the aircon ON, or at least have windows open when you can. Re-check the footwells and if they are still damp get a garage to check for leaks if you can't do it yourself.

4) Vacuum the car out regularly. The best way to do this is with a good quality hand held vacuum. WARNING: these don't come cheap. I use a lithium ion dust-buster flexi. Autoexpress currently recommend the Gtech Multi II. Both are over £100 unfortunately. Or just use your hoover and an extension lead. Make sure you remove those matts, and give it a thorough vacuuming.

5) Clean the inside of the windows: use a proper cleaner e.g. Autoglym fast glass / interior glass cleaner. Use two microfibre cloths - one for application, and one for buffing. Once you have clean glass, NEVER: NEVER  wipe the glass with your hand to clear misting. Your hand has salt sweat on it and will attract moisture. Allow the demister / aircon to clear the mist.

6) If the carpets / seats / dash is grimy, use the correct product to clean.

Once you have done all this, there is no reason for your car to stink.

IMHO, car air freshner is one of the cheapest, worst smells in the whole word - a bit like cheap aftershave ontop of body odour: don't do it.

 

Regarding your wife's corpse - try to store it in the car for the minimum time you can:-

1) Wrap the body well, with at least two lots of thick plastic.

2) Move her while she is still fresh. I find once a corpse starts to break down, the juices get everywhere.

3) If you have a very large freezer, it is a good idea to freeze the body before moving her to the grave sight.

4) When time comes to 'get rid', place her in the boot. An estate car is best, as heavy birds are hard to get out of a standard boot on your own. If she is 'juicey' DO NOT be tempted to sit her upright in the passenger seat. It's also a faff doing make-up on a corpse unless you can do a good job of it.

5) After disposal of the 'package', thoroughly clean the boot, vacuum, and buy one of those cheap air freshners to cover the stench.

Cheers for now,

 

tfj

What air fresheners do you recommend? Hubby quite likes those sweet/drink branded air fresheners. Currently have an old Cherry Tango hanging off the rear view. 

Also where do you recommend a good valet? Problem is that the car is like a dustbin on wheels. Current detritus includes; empty drinks cans, receipts, scratched CDs, leaves, crisp/sweet wrappers (we have a 9 year old!) and some sellaphane.

I need a car bin too. Any ideas on where I can get one?

[Dollymarie]

@Septic Peg Go to the guys on Hartcliffe Way. Car will be spotless inside and out for £10.

As for being innocent, I haven't been that since 1996  

[...]

1 hour ago, Dollymarie said:

@Septic Peg Go to the guys on Hartcliffe Way. Car will be spotless inside and out for £10.

As for being innocent, I haven't been that since 1996  

Are they using grit guards in the buckets??

You will have awful swirl marks if they are not.

[BigTone]

7 hours ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

Mmmmmmmm ........... stone chips.

Get in the professionals - don't attempt a repair unless you know what you are doing. A bad repair will look worse than no repair at all. Deep scratches should be repaired to prevent rust.

Stinky cars, yes.

Remove rubbish from the car, don't use it as a litter bin. Make sure the smell is not being caused by moisture ingress (great term, that). If the car feels damp, do the following:-

1) Make sure the ventilation system is functioning correctly, in particular if you have air conditioning, then use it, FFS. One of the things aircon does is regulate the moisture in the car = less damp. This theory aircon ruins fuel economy is bollocks (sorry I know its Sunday). You do more harm by not using the aircon - your car may get damp, and the aircon needs to be used to remain effective.

2) Make sure the ventilation outlets are not blocked up, typically beneath the windscreen, and also make sure you remove any leaf litter from any gutters on the car, especially on the bonnet.

3) Remove the foot matts and even the carpet, and check for dampness in the footwells. This is the obvious place for leaks and for water to accumulate. Allow the car to dry our thoroughly, and then use the car with the aircon ON, or at least have windows open when you can. Re-check the footwells and if they are still damp get a garage to check for leaks if you can't do it yourself.

4) Vacuum the car out regularly. The best way to do this is with a good quality hand held vacuum. WARNING: these don't come cheap. I use a lithium ion dust-buster flexi. Autoexpress currently recommend the Gtech Multi II. Both are over £100 unfortunately. Or just use your hoover and an extension lead. Make sure you remove those matts, and give it a thorough vacuuming.

5) Clean the inside of the windows: use a proper cleaner e.g. Autoglym fast glass / interior glass cleaner. Use two microfibre cloths - one for application, and one for buffing. Once you have clean glass, NEVER: NEVER  wipe the glass with your hand to clear misting. Your hand has salt sweat on it and will attract moisture. Allow the demister / aircon to clear the mist.

6) If the carpets / seats / dash is grimy, use the correct product to clean.

Once you have done all this, there is no reason for your car to stink.

IMHO, car air freshner is one of the cheapest, worst smells in the whole word - a bit like cheap aftershave ontop of body odour: don't do it.

 

Regarding your wife's corpse - try to store it in the car for the minimum time you can:-

1) Wrap the body well, with at least two lots of thick plastic.

2) Move her while she is still fresh. I find once a corpse starts to break down, the juices get everywhere.

3) If you have a very large freezer, it is a good idea to freeze the body before moving her to the grave sight.

4) When time comes to 'get rid', place her in the boot. An estate car is best, as heavy birds are hard to get out of a standard boot on your own. If she is 'juicey' DO NOT be tempted to sit her upright in the passenger seat. It's also a faff doing make-up on a corpse unless you can do a good job of it.

5) After disposal of the 'package', thoroughly clean the boot, vacuum, and buy one of those cheap air freshners to cover the stench.

Cheers for now,

 

tfj

Thanks Unk, your advice has been invaluable and I have followed your instructions to the letter. The only problem now is that the car was so nice and shiney that it has attracted Seagulls from miles away who have decided to add a splatter of colour to it in epic proportions. How can I prevent this from happening ? I had considered a shotgun but think this might scratch the duco.

On the plus side the inside smells delightful and is vacuumed to within an inch of its life while the Wife is cosied up in the freezer between the Fish Fingers and Oven Chips.

Thanks again

[phantom]

I'm not sure how I missed this thread before - I'm still confused as to what is going on here 

[BigTone]

20 hours ago, Dollymarie said:

 

As for being innocent, I haven't been that since 1996  

[...]

22 hours ago, BigTone said:

Thanks Unk, your advice has been invaluable and I have followed your instructions to the letter. The only problem now is that the car was so nice and shiney that it has attracted Seagulls from miles away who have decided to add a splatter of colour to it in epic proportions. How can I prevent this from happening ? I had considered a shotgun but think this might scratch the duco.

On the plus side the inside smells delightful and is vacuumed to within an inch of its life while the Wife is cosied up in the freezer between the Fish Fingers and Oven Chips.

Thanks again

Seagulls are known for their love of blue cars - not sure why, but every blue car I've had has got the full gull treatment, very often just after cleaning. Is it because the sea / water is blue from the air, and they think they are crapping in the water?

The remedy for this:-

1) Change the car / re-spray it to a non-blue car e.g. red 

2) Bicarbonate of soda wrapped in bread: cruel but effective*

Don't forget - if you have a clean and waxed car, the seagull crap will ALWAYS be easier to remove - remember to soak it first with wet tissue, then remove with a damp cloth.

 

tfj

* Don't - it is cruel.

[BigTone]

4 minutes ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

Seagulls are known for their love of blue cars - not sure why, but every blue car I've had has got the full gull treatment, very often just after cleaning.

The remedy for this:-

1) Change the car / re-spray it to a non-blue car e.g. red 

2) Bicarbonate of soda wrapped in bread: cruel but effective*

Don't forget - if you have a clean and waxed car, the seagull crap will ALWAYS be easier to remove - remember to soak it first with wet tissue, then remove with a damp cloth.

 

tfj

* Don't - it is cruel.

Car is silver.

Tried Bicarb wrapped in bread but its not working. Rachel has said I must move it from the Dining table.

The tissue idea works a treat but not very pleasant when I blow my nose in it.

Thanks anyway

 

[Septic Peg]

4 hours ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

Seagulls are known for their love of blue cars - not sure why, but every blue car I've had has got the full gull treatment, very often just after cleaning. Is it because the sea / water is blue from the air, and they think they are crapping in the water?

The remedy for this:-

1) Change the car / re-spray it to a non-blue car e.g. red 

2) Bicarbonate of soda wrapped in bread: cruel but effective*

Don't forget - if you have a clean and waxed car, the seagull crap will ALWAYS be easier to remove - remember to soak it first with wet tissue, then remove with a damp cloth.

 

tfj

* Don't - it is cruel.

Why did you buy a blue car? And it sounds like you've had more than 1!

I think with this evidence and @Taxi for Johnson's lovein for LJ, I think we have a closet gashead on our hands people!!! Pitchforks assemble!

 

[...]

11 hours ago, Septic Peg said:

Why did you buy a blue car? And it sounds like you've had more than 1!

I think with this evidence and @Taxi for Johnson's lovein for LJ, I think we have a closet gashead on our hands people!!! Pitchforks assemble!

 

So by association, you are calling Steve Lansdown a gashead?

Sit quietly for a few minutes and think about your use of logic.

Isn't trying to label someone a gashead probably the most childish thing you can say on OTIB?

You are demonstrating to everyone why you will never be a moderator on here, which is a great shame.

 

tfj

[Septic Peg]

2 hours ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

So by association, you are calling Steve Lansdown a gashead?

Sit quietly for a few minutes and think about your use of logic.

Isn't trying to label someone a gashead probably the most childish thing you can say on OTIB?

You are demonstrating to everyone why you will never be a moderator on here, which is a great shame.

 

tfj

Changed your tune now. Only a week or so ago, I was a moderator. 

Yep, childish to call someone a gashead. But I, unlike you, have a sense of humour and most of the other people whom had read my post would realise it was a joke.

But you, unlike me, are droll and boring and only interested in shit stirring and getting everyone's backs up. Occasionally, you come up with a cracking post that makes sense and is respectable and decent and I think "nice one" and then you follow it with an appalling post, designed to provide bait for more unsuspecting posters on here. Just like your previous one. 

Yes, I've bitten. But only so I can have my say. Sadly for you, I managed to get off the hook and am now swimming with my fellow aquatic creatures. 

In a while, crocodile.

[...]

22 hours ago, Septic Peg said:

Changed your tune now. Only a week or so ago, I was a moderator. 

Yep, childish to call someone a gashead. But I, unlike you, have a sense of humour and most of the other people whom had read my post would realise it was a joke.

But you, unlike me, are droll and boring and only interested in shit stirring and getting everyone's backs up. Occasionally, you come up with a cracking post that makes sense and is respectable and decent and I think "nice one" and then you follow it with an appalling post, designed to provide bait for more unsuspecting posters on here. Just like your previous one. 

Yes, I've bitten. But only so I can have my say. Sadly for you, I managed to get off the hook and am now swimming with my fellow aquatic creatures. 

In a while, crocodile.

This thread is about advice - car cleaning, tyres, that sort of stuff. You don't have to read it, or like it.

You come on, call me a gashead, because I once had a blue car (!!!!), and then attack me calling me all these things, simply because I object to being associated with Bristol Rovers.

I don't think many true City fans would appreciate it??

You have shown your true colours, my friend.

Everyone has a different sense of humour - I might not like yours, but I don't think you need to be quite so aggressive and insulting.

I remember once a paediatrician having his house attacked by angry locals when they found out his job title - they did not want a sex pervert living near them. Lucky he did not live in Bristol, and have a blue car, as he was obviously a Bristol Rovers fan too .............. or was it Everton ............... or Millwall ..................

 

tfj 

 

 

 

[Septic Peg]

14 minutes ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

This thread is about advice - car cleaning, tyres, that sort of stuff. You don't have to read it, or like it.

You come on, call me a gashead, because I once had a blue car (!!!!), and then attack me calling me all these things, simply because I object to being associated with Bristol Rovers.

I don't think many true City fans would appreciate it??

You have shown your true colours, my friend.

Everyone has a different sense of humour - I might not like yours, but I don't think you need to be quite so aggressive and insulting.

I remember once a paediatrician having his house attacked by angry locals when they found out his job title - they did not want a sex pervert living near them. Lucky he did not live in Bristol, and have a blue car, as he was obviously a Bristol Rovers fan too .............. or was it Everton ............... or Millwall ..................

 

tfj 

 

 

 

Wowzers. Aggressive and insulting am I? Because I made a joke. I had no idea you felt so passionately against Rovers. It's called banter. I wear glasses and I've had my friends call me four eyes, speccy etc. I laugh with them and then take the mick out of them because it's all a joke.

I called you droll and boring because you are a WUM 80% of the time. I could go through all your posts and pick out the posts designed to wind people up. 

I have nothing against this post. It's good advice for car users. Just like the previous post about exercise you made. 

 

I'm sorry tfj, but you have one humungous chip on your shoulder if you genuinely can't take a joke for what it is. 

Think what you like about me, I honestly couldn't care less. If I'm that bad, put me on ignore. 

Oh and for what it's worth? A few friends of mine have previously called me a secret gashead, as I too had a blue car. I took it for what it was. A JOKE!

[...]

On 20/03/2017 at 09:54, phantom said:

I'm not sure how I missed this thread before - I'm still confused as to what is going on here 

It's an advice thread, Phantom.

So far we have mainly covered car maintenance: tyres and car cleaning.

If you would like some advice, please ask.

I will be starting a new advice topic in the next few days.

 

tfj

[BigTone]

1 hour ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

I will be starting a new advice topic in the next few days.

 

HOW LONG ?

[BigTone]

2 hours ago, Septic Peg said:

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry tfj, but you have one humungous chip on your shoulder

Hmmmm, let me think.  This is a tricky one depending on how the chip is connected to the shoulder. Quite often if you tie a piece of cotton around the connecting bit of flesh it will cut off the blood supply and said chip will fall off over a period of time.  Another method would be the Freeze spray you can use on warts etc but this will depend on the size of the chip. Last but not least is using a razor blade (if you're feeling man enough) and just slice it off. This will bleed quite a bit so best done in the bath otherwise the Wife may get a bit put out with the state of the carpet.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

[...]

5 hours ago, BigTone said:

Hmmmm, let me think.  This is a tricky one depending on how the chip is connected to the shoulder. Quite often if you tie a piece of cotton around the connecting bit of flesh it will cut off the blood supply and said chip will fall off over a period of time.  Another method would be the Freeze spray you can use on warts etc but this will depend on the size of the chip. Last but not least is using a razor blade (if you're feeling man enough) and just slice it off. This will bleed quite a bit so best done in the bath otherwise the Wife may get a bit put out with the state of the carpet.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Great 'advice' - you understood the thread title!!

....... O.K. that's enough - let go Tone ............ let go ................. ******* get off me.

 

tfj

 

[...]

Still deciding what to do next ............

Possible areas of advice are:-

1) The science and understanding of the electromagnetic spectrum - foundation course for beginners;

2) Death;

3) The merits of Cornish independence, together with the meddling of Scotland and Russia in the minds of the Cornish people;

4) Another driving / car topic.

We have done quite a lot about cars recently, so I am favouring 3) at the moment.

I'll let you know in the next few days.

 

tfj (if that is allowed / sufficiently PC)

 

[BigTone]

5 hours ago, Taxi for Johnson said:

Still deciding what to do next ............

Possible areas of advice are:-

1) The science and understanding of the electromagnetic spectrum - foundation course for beginners;

2) Death;

3) The merits of Cornish independence, together with the meddling of Scotland and Russia in the minds of the Cornish people;

4) Another driving / car topic.

We have done quite a lot about cars recently, so I am favouring 3) at the moment.

I'll let you know in the next few days.

 

tfj (if that is allowed / sufficiently PC)

 

I think most of these topics are a bit mainstream. Can you not go for something a bit more "radical" ?

[WhistleHappy]

On ‎19‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 15:11, Dollymarie said:

 

As for being innocent, I haven't been that since 1996  

16 'ish' then ... (erm, give or take a month or two)  

[Dollymarie]

12 minutes ago, WhistleHappy said:

16 'ish' then ... (erm, give or take a month or two)  

Ding! One point for you  

[WhistleHappy]

On ‎19‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 15:11, Dollymarie said:

 

As for being innocent, I haven't been that since 1996  

 

17 minutes ago, WhistleHappy said:

16 'ish' then ... (erm, give or take a month or two)  

 

5 minutes ago, Dollymarie said:

Ding! One point for you  

Presume you were studying for your, erm,  'O Levels'  around about that same time too then?   

 

 

[Dollymarie]

15 minutes ago, WhistleHappy said:

 

 

Presume you were studying for your, erm,  'O Levels'  around about that same time too then?   

 

 

It was the year I took my GCSES!