Written jokes thread

[WhistleHappy]

Sunday 7th March 2015 ......

This threads 10th Anniversary.... and I ain't joking!

[BigTone]

On ‎04‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 22:30, WhistleHappy said:

Sunday 7th March 2015 ......

This threads 10th Anniversary.... and I ain't joking!

Even I missed that

[BigTone]

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.

[BigTone]

A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman.

She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore.

Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'

[BigTone]

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”

“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

“What?” she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”

[phantom]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,

'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,

'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'

[Red-Robbo]

I was in hospital recently and I felt I had to ask this gorgeous nurse for a kiss.

"No Robbo.  You know the rules. I cannot break the patient -medic boundary!"

Go on I said, just a quick smooch.

"Look Robbo I'd love to," she replied, "but it goes totally against all medical ethics."

I persisted and said, go on, just a quick peck on the cheek!

"No!" she said sternly. "I shouldn't even be in bed with you if truth be told."

[BigTone]

I recently bought a chameleon.

Now I can’t find it.

[WhistleHappy]

37 minutes ago, BigTone said:

I recently bought a chameleon.

Now I can’t find it.

I think I bought one once, after showing the bloke the colour of my money, its probably around here somewhere.

[Major Isewater]

I used to be indecisive but now I'm not sure .

[Major Isewater]

I am very fastidious by nature and proud  of the quality of my work , when I've finished I always step back to admire it . 

My job as a roofer didn't last long .

 

[reddoh]

On 06/04/2017 at 10:48, Major Isewater said:

I am very fastidious by nature and proud  of the quality of my work , when I've finished I always step back to admire it . 

My job as a roofer didn't last long .

 

You were not Rod Hull by any chance?

[Esmond Million's Bung]

[steveybadger]

A man phones into work and says he is too sick to come in that day. His boss, very busy and hoping the man could still make it, asks him just how sick he is. The man replies: well, I'm in bed with my sister......

[Major Isewater]

At dog obedience class last night young Christine asked how she could stop her Collie chasing the postman on his bike .

 I told her to take his bike away .

 

[Ska Junkie]

A blonde goes into work crying her eyes out. The boss asks if she is ok she replies "No my mum died this morning" The Boss suggests she takes the day off to which the blonde refuses saying that work will take her mums demise off her mind... About an hour later The Boss walks into her office and once again she is crying like a woman peeling onions ... He said "I told you to take the day off to get over your sudden loss" .... "It's Not that" replied the blonde " I just phoned my sister and her mum has died as well"

[WhistleHappy]

On ‎18‎/‎05‎/‎2017 at 10:38, Ska Junkie said:

A blonde goes into work crying her eyes out. The boss asks if she is ok she replies "No my mum died this morning" The Boss suggests she takes the day off to which the blonde refuses saying that work will take her mums demise off her mind... About an hour later The Boss walks into her office and once again she is crying like a woman peeling onions ... He said "I told you to take the day off to get over your sudden loss" .... "It's Not that" replied the blonde " I just phoned my sister and her mum has died as well"

  .... 

[KernowRed]

I find if the lawn is watered with Whisky, it comes up half cut.

[BigTone]

Murphy approached Mulligan’s bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

‘Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you’re not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil’s brew. Why don’t you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?’

‘Hang on, Sisters,’ spluttered Murphy. ‘How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it’s wrong to form such a rash judgement when you’ve never tasted the stuff?’

‘Very well,’ said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can’t go into the pub, so why don’t you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!’

‘OK,’ said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

‘I’ll have a large gin,’ he said to the barman. ‘And can you put it in a cup?’

‘My God,’ said the barman, ‘that nun’s not outside again is she?’

[Erithacus]

I went into a clothes shop. It had a sign outside '50% off!' Having bought some trousers I went home but found they only had one leg.

I went into the butchers' and was met by a rough old woman behind the counter. "Pound of fillet,' I said. "Pound you ******** don't!' she replied.

I went into the shop next door. "I'd like half a dozen roses, please,' I said. The woman looked at me and said "I think you are under a misapprehension - this is a circumcision clinic." "But you've got lots of flowers in your window," I said. "What do you suggest we put in the window?" she replied.

[BS4 on Tour...]

Anyone wanna buy a faulty barometer? No pressure......

[northsomersetred]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him what he did about sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said,

"Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the fanny. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees"

[Ska Junkie]

Just got a new dog, it's mainly black and brown with the little bit of white so I've called him Bradford.

IT'S A JOKE!!

[Charlie BCFC]

Here's a joke

 

 

 

Swindon Town

[Ska Junkie]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[Ska Junkie]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her along with a £10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

[Major Isewater]

On 30/05/2017 at 18:00, Erithacus said:

I went into a clothes shop. It had a sign outside '50% off!' Having bought some trousers I went home but found they only had one leg.

I went into the butchers' and was met by a rough old woman behind the counter. "Pound of fillet,' I said. "Pound you ******** don't!' she replied.

I went into the shop next door. "I'd like half a dozen roses, please,' I said. The woman looked at me and said "I think you are under a misapprehension - this is a circumcision clinic." "But you've got lots of flowers in your window," I said. "What do you suggest we put in the window?" she replied.

I went into the cake shop and asked to buy a wasp .

The baker said we don't sell wasps,.

ah but there's some in the window .

[Major Isewater]

Why do anarchists only drink herb tea ?

because proper tea is theft .

[Ska Junkie]

 man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

[Shtanley]

A ham salad sandwich walks into a bar,

the barman says "sorry, we don't serve food here"