Written jokes thread

[Ska Junkie]

[Robbored]

As I can't find the jokes I'll post one here and the mods can merge it.

"daddy, why do people hang horses?"

"no-one hangs horses darling. Where did you hear that?"

"mummy was on the phone and she said that her new boss is hung like a horse"

[Bar BS3]

I'm going to have to to have words with her, when she gets in to work tomorrow. 

[Shtanley]

[1960maaan]

I bought the world's worst thesaurus last week. Not only is it terrible, but it is terrible.

 

My wife asked me to pass her lipstick, a bit distracted I accidentally gave her the glue. She's still not talking to me .

[Major Isewater]

I finally plucked up the courage to ask my wife why she curled her toes up when we made love .

' You never give me chance to get my bloody tights off ' she replied . 

[Red DNA]

The Jewish Dilemna

Half price pork chops in Tesco

[Ska Junkie]

Not PC but made me smile...

Today, Californians set a new record by getting 67 people on a surfboard at the same time.

It smashed the previous record set by 51 Ethiopians on a Ryvita.

[handsofclay]

When I was a school kid I was invited to a mate's house on the river near the tea gardens in Hanham. I was shocked when I got there to find that he was being raised by a pair of swans. He pleaded with me not to say anything as he feared he would be removed from the swans if news of this arrangement got out. Life with them was idyllic.

When it came to the parents evening I wondered how the heck my mate's secret wouldn't get out. I was astounded, therefore, when I suddenly seen the father swan marching into the school on parents evening. He's got some bloody neck, I thought.

[Ska Junkie]

 

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

[Ska Junkie]

A while back I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring handcuffs, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night, Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

[Ska Junkie]

No new jokes today but someone just shared this classic TV programme on FB. For those of us old enough to remember this, how funny was Al Bundy? For the young 'uns, this is classic!

 

[Ska Junkie]

Beyonce has just discovered that Roy Castle was really her father.
Can't see her taking his surname somehow....

[Ska Junkie]

It's career day in Ashton Vale Primary school where each student has to talk about their dad. Little Timmy is up last and the teacher calls him to the front of the class.
"My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar, he takes off his clothes for money and if they pay him enough, he will even do extra's" 
The teacher, shocked, pulls little Timmy outside and asks him if this is really true about his dad?!
Timmy says "No Miss but i was too embarrassed to say he played for Bristol Rovers"

[Ska Junkie]

I liked this one...

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened.“
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the Asda either," says the boyfriend.

[Ska Junkie]

[Ska Junkie]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith.
"In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?"
"It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Ska Junkie]

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

[BigTone]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

[Ska Junkie]

One day, Paddy and Mick were walking through the Woods when they saw some Rabbit Shit.
Paddy said: "What's That"..??
"'They're Smart Pills," says Mick "Eat them and they'll make you smarter"..
So Paddy ate them and said: "Jeez. They taste like Shit"..
"See," says Mick,
"You're getting ******* smarter already."

[Ska Junkie]

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Bristol Rovers fan sneaking through my next door neighbours garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed and my wife said, "You're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said. "That bastard next door still has my bloody shovel."

 

A City fan, a Rovers fan and a Swindon fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Rovers fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." 
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Rovers fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Swindon fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." 
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The City fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You have some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the City fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie the Rovers fan to my back!

Edited July 9, 2017 by Ska Junkie

[Major Isewater]

Two Irishmen looking for work walk past a sign on a timberyard gate , ' Tree Fellers Wanted ' .

It' s a bloody shame there's only two of us .

[Major Isewater]

Two tramps feeling hungry and one has an idea .

He picks up a piece of horse shit and knocks on the door of a swish looking house .

The owner of the house answers the door and the tramp says

" Excuse me could you spare a bit of salt and pepper for my dinner ? " as he offers up the shit;

Horrified ,the rich man says " My god man , I'm not having you eat that . Come into my kitchen and have a meal " .

 

Seeing how well this ruse works ,the second tramp also picks up a horse shit and rings the doorbell of a large mansion.

As the door opened to the Mistress of the house the tramp holds out his hands and humbly says ,

" Excuse me madam, could you spare me a little salt and pepper for my dinner ? "

Aghast , the woman cries " My god man , you can't eat that . I have stables around the back go and get some fresh "

[Ska Junkie]

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still 
a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very 
nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of 
you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed 
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama,
Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests..
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his 
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 
'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs 
and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on 
his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran 
downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony only has a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'!

[And Its Smith]

I've just won the 'Most secretive person 2017' award.

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

[Port Said Red]

Just heard that the Swedish are putting barcodes on the side of all their ships. This is so they can Scandinavian!

 

[Major Isewater]

Scientists have genetically modified chickens to produce four legs by bird .

When interviewed by our correspondent the Head of Poultry development couldn't answer the question ' what do they taste like ? " because they've never managed to catch one yet .

( It's the way I tell 'em ) 

[WhistleHappy]

7 hours ago, Major Isewater said:

Scientists have genetically modified chickens to produce four legs by bird .

When interviewed by our correspondent the Head of Poultry development couldn't answer the question ' what do they taste like ? " because they've never managed to catch one yet .

( It's the way I tell 'em ) 

Its a  ... cracker ...  Major.  

[You Do The Dziekanowski]

I was really looking forward to an 'Open Mic Night' I had been invited too....

I was not expecting to turn up to an autopsy...

 

[phantom]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
 
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on
both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!