Written jokes thread

[CrazyInWeston]

Six out of the seven dwarfs were in the shower all feeling happy.

 

But then happy got out so they started feeling grumpy instead.

[Esmond Million's Bung]

[BigTone]

David Blaine is fuming. His record of doing nothing in the box for 44 days has been smashed by Romelu Lukaku

[phantom]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more..

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[WhistleHappy]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To visit an idiot.

 

Knock, Knock..

Who's there? 

......THE CHICKEN!  

[Ska Junkie]

This made me laugh...

A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog. He asks the man at the front desk if he can have a woman and the man says ''No, son. You have to be 18.'' The boy hands the man a one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 7. Then the boy asks the man if he can have a girl with active herpes. The man says ''No, I'm sorry, but all of our girls are clear.'' The boy hands him another one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 4. About twenty minutes later, the boy comes back and the man at the front desk asks the boy why he is dragging a dead frog and why he wanted a girl with herpes.
''Well, tonight when the babysitter comes over, I'll have sex with her and give her herpes. Then, when my dad takes her home, she will give it to him. Then, when my parents have sex tonight, my mum will get it too. Then tomorrow morning when my dad goes to work my mum will give herpes to the postman, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog!'''

[BigTone]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

[WhistleHappy]

On ‎20‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 10:52, BigTone said:

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

Good to see the joke thread up and running again BT.. 

[BigTone]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark”. Noah replies, “No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you’re the guv’. But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other”.

20 DECKS!”, screams Noah. “Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”

Yep, that’s right, well . .. sort of right . .. this time I want you to fill it up with fish”, God answers.

Fish?”, queries Noah.

“Yep, fish. . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp – wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!”

Noah looks to the skies. “OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?”

“Check”.

“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”

“Check”.

“And you want it full of Carp?”.

“Check”.

“Why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

Dunno”, says God, “I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark”

[BigTone]

In the great 1890-days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division. I have researched the history of……”

At that point, the outgoing Colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes. Never mind that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off.”

[BigTone]

A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don’t you want me here until 10 a.m.?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around

drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

[Red-Robbo]

Bloke goes to the doctor and says:

"Am I unusual? Every time I masturbate, I sing 'Goodnight Irene'."

The doctor says: "No. Most w*****s do that."

Edited February 22, 2018 by Red-Robbo

[BigTone]

Beyonce has just discovered that Roy Castle was really her father.
Can’t see her taking his surname somehow….

[joe jordans teeth]

This weather is horrible.My neighbour is a 92 year old women so I knocked on the door to see if she wanted anything from the shop. “Bread and milk” she said.So I gave her my list,no point in both of us going out in this

[City Cat]

What do you call a Mexican dish that warms you from a long distance?.....

A far heater......

[Major Isewater]

My nephew has just been fired from the glass factory for blowing things out of proportion.

[Major Isewater]

I  was in the Feathers the other night with my dog and sat at the table opposite was none other than Darryl Clarke .

Whilst supping my pint I noticed my dog rather enthusiastically ' cleaning ' his doggy bits much to the amusement of the other punters.

Just then I caught DC's eye , he nodded and said,

" Blimey , I wish I could do that " .

 I replied 

" Give him a biscuit and he might let you ". 

[Major Isewater]

My friend has failed his Pyrotechnics exam , he was bang out of order .

[WhistleHappy]

1 hour ago, Major Isewater said:

My friend has failed his Pyrotechnics exam , he was bang out of order .

I went to a similar class once, it was all going well until the examiner suddenly went off and left us there stunned and staring into space.

[cheshire_red]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon and with
great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,

'And if I had all the wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing,

'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365,

'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[KernowRed]

'Pat on starting his new job on the building site, was told to collect his things from the store.

At the store he asked for 'one wellington boot and a pair of gloves'

The storeman said 'Why one boot?

Pat said 'I've got to work in one foot of water'

[The Nest Egg]

My mate is going on X Factor and asked me if I could do anything possible to help him progress in the competition as far as possible.

 

 

So I killed his mum.

[BigTone]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

[BigTone]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

[BigTone]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[BigTone]

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it also saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

[Ska Junkie]

***NEWS FLASH*** National Lottery winner and life long Bristol Rovers fan Dick Ed McGashead has today bought the club he has supported all his life. His delighted wife Irene said today ' god knows what he would have bought if he got 4 numbers'

Edited May 29, 2018 by Ska Junkie

[Ska Junkie]

[BigTone]

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the

girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip

me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not

have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window,

snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both

collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping

session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor

takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having

sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in

all my years of doctoring...........You've got the worst case of van ariel

disease that I've ever seen."

[BigTone]