Jack Dawe

A lower league football club, just to be a bit more precise for you there. Looking up at us, a: 21st century football club, with all that that entails. So you'll be quite happy where you are with your standing and terraces and funny stands full of "character" and racism and all that 70s/80s proper football; you'll not be after anything more/new/different, like a terrible, soulless new all-seater ground etc? If you lot had chosen to eschew all the modernisation/sh1te we've got, to remain primarily a football club, then you'd have one on us there. But you haven't chosen this. You have no choice. You haven't got what we've got - ie Championship football, for one - and you are not what we are, and are always looking up at us, because you lot are sh1te. And you know it.

Our crowds and attendances are "superior." Your support is woeful. Our results are woeful, yours are "superior." See you the season after next. In the Championship.

He's that relevant? Blimey. In my eyes, their coach is innocuous.

It's called "boob cricket" over there. He's part of the Rovers "leadership group" and he's tampering with her, er, balls, I think? Funny lot, them Fewers.

Are we supposed to believe that in L1 today - leaving aside the bigger clubs like Wigan and Plymouth, with their thousands of followers - are we to believe that Blackpool took more to Milton Keynes, Northampton more to Fleetwood, AFC Wimbledon more to Shrewsbury, and diddly Rotherham more to Southend than Rovers took to Peterborough? This is madness! Sorcery!

We don't need them to do that. We're quite capable of doing that for ourselves. All, er, by ourselves.

400 to Peterborough is jolly good - in League One. Well done the Few! In the Championship, it's fewer than Burton's average away following. Burton being - 24/24 in the Championship - bottom and the fewest for away support. Phew!

3,034 Plymouth at Charlton (a 240 mile journey). 400 Few at Posh (a 174 mile journey). That's this weekend's L1 West Country numbers....

How timely to see the cuckoo on these pages! The first this spring. The common cuckoo is a crafty parasite, laying it's eggs in another bird's nest, then the hatched little pirate eases the host bird's team out of the nest, and before you know it, it's running around everywhere calling "we want another nest!" The cuckoo is a lying, sneaky little ****er and is traditionally associated with cocks.

We're going forward as a team, Major! This weekend!

They can do lower than that: two seasons between 87 and 92 where Cardiff averaged - averaged - below 3000, in other words, a 4 digit average with the first digit being "2." Sub 3,000! And another where they got above 3000 by about a bus load every home game. Cardiff City fans are proper deserters.

The thing with all this "my dad's bigger than your dad" support comparisons and the entire Bristol "rivalry" is that they - The Few - have got a target and something to aim at/match/be better/get/take more than, something to drive them on (they're going to be seriously unhappy if Man City do not give them a 7,801, minimum, allocation, next time Citeh have the privilege/pleasure of a visit from those tossers); but what have we got? What and whom are we aiming at/trying to match? Who is driving us on, on and off the pitch? Let me get us started: next time we play Walsall/Shrewsbury/Notts County/a L2 playoff final at Wembley, let's get organised and make sure we take more than The Few. I'm in. What about you?

Graham: calm down. It's Friday.

During the era of the maximum wage.

They have not finished in the top half of England's second tier since those sepia-tinted days of jumpers-for-goalposts, since 1960. If we finish 7th or higher this season, that will be a higher finish - another one - in the 92 than they have ever finished, in their entire miserable history.