BigTone

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late ?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch & I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch ? What's so special about it ?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now ?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers !" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the FA Cup Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows off the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1962." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Classic song from an all time classic albumn, brilliant band, RIP Brad

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.' My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down.' What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

Sure is

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" "Yes" the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't!"

I have, and it is !

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!". "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?". "At the circus", says the landlord. "The circus?", the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the landlord. "The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!", says the landlord. The duck looks confused, "Why the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are talking together one day. Sleeping Beauty says she believes she is the most beautiful girl in the whole world. Tom Thumb says then he must be the worlds smallest man. Quasimodo states he surely must be the most ugly person in the whole world. They all agree amongst themselves but would like it confirmed and acknowledged by other people. To do this, they go to the offices of the Guiness Book of Records. One by one they go to the reception desk and speak to the person there. Sleeping Beauty is first and returns to her friends smiling broadly, "It's true" she says,"I am the most beautiful girl." Tom Thumb goes next and when he returns he too is smiling and tells his friends he is indeed the smallest person ever. Lastly it is Quasimodo's turn, but when he returns he is frowning and looking sad. Tom Thumb says, "What's the matter Quasi? Arn't you the ugliest in the land? "No" says Quasi, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles anyway?"

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!

Yep, he stole them all from Tommy Cooper !

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? Lipstick

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened?' 'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.' 'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?'asks Matthew. 'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?' 'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days." The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?" "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!" "Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor "Your mother must have been a carrier"

Last one for today: I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

Fear not RedM, I would never let my public down.

Sorry, the excitement of the occasion got the better of me. Consider the last 20 a treat !!

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.............