giles_23_bcfc

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT ######G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

I bought a Racehorse yesterday and I called it "My Face". I don't care if he doesnt win any races or make me any money, i just want to hear nll the posh women at Ascot shout "COME ON MY FACE!!!"

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the postman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Entire Family Beats Child A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him! After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football Team , whom the boy firmly believes are not currently capable of beating anyone.

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'..She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have vagina'.......'Yes' she says...... The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours.'

Paul Trollope flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Bristol. Two weeks later the Rovers are 4-0 down to Walsall with only 20 minutes left. Trollope gives the the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals and wins the match. The fans are delighted,the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game for the club. "Hello Mum, guess what? I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4- 0 down but i scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me , the fans, the media, they all love me. " "Wonderful," says his Mum, " Let me tell you about my day. Your Father got shot in the street and robbed , your Sister and i were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your Brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can i say Mum, but i'm so sorry." "Sorry ?!!!Sorry ?!!!! says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Southmead in the first place ! "

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - - silence - - HUSBAND: Oh sh*t !!!

Paddy and Murphy are going through a jungle when Paddy suddenly falls over a ditch. "Call Paddy an ambulance, call Paddy an ambulance, i'm hurt" said Paddy. Murphy says "Paddy is an ambulance, Paddy is an ambulance!"

A guy walks into a very high tech bar. As he sat down on the stool, he noticed the bartender was a robot. The robot immediately clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought for a moment, then replied, "A martini please" The robot beeped a few times and mixed the best martini the man ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164" The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, latest medical breakthroughs etc.,etc., The man was most impressed. The man left the bar and wondered about the IQ question. He returned later and once again the robot clicked to attention and asked what the man would have? "A martini please" Again, it was superb. The robot then asked, "What is your IQ sir ?" This time the man answered, "Oh about a hundred" and the robot started discussing Top Gear, Football, Rugby and the latest score from the test match at Headingly. Once again the man was impressed, but he just had to try it one more time. He left the bar once again and returned and took a stool at the bar. Another faultless martini and the inevitable question, "Sir, what is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out, "Oh, about 50" The robot beeped and clicked and then leaned very close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h P-a-u-l T-r-o-l-l-o-p-e?????

A nun is on a bus and asks if anyone can help her before she dies? She wants to have sex but it must be up the a$s so she can remain a virgin and the kindgentleman helper must be single. The bus driver offers to help out as there is no one else on the bus , he gives the nun what she wants and sh*gs her up the a$s. The nun thanks him, but feeling guilty the bus driver tells the nun that he was lying and in fact his name is John and he is married with kids !! The nun replies "don't worry I lied too, my name is Kevin and I am on the way to a fancy dress party" !!!

Best of luck Yeovil. I shall be rooting for you in the play offs. Might make a trip to London on Sunday May 27th should the green team prevail next friday.

Can we change this to furthest within Bristol? That would be wuite interesting aswell