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BigTone

Agony Uncle

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I have decided to resurrect my problem solving thread and offer advice in these trying times. Over to you.

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Hi Uncle Tone.As the saying goes,desperate times call for desperate measures. Can you advise me of the best way of going about trying to sell a kidney?Many Thanks.

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32 minutes ago, Slacker said:

Hi Uncle Tone.As the saying goes,desperate times call for desperate measures. Can you advise me of the best way of going about trying to sell a kidney?Many Thanks.

An often asked question young Slacker old sock:

Try your local Butcher for his best opinion but understand you may need to include a piece of his best steak also to make the deal attractive to buyers.

Edited by BigTone

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As I am keen to acquire the best price for the aforementioned kidney,do you think I would be wisest to approach the established "family" butchers,or one of those fly by night chancers in the lorry in a pub car park?

Some further advice if you will Uncle Tone.The kidney in question actually belongs to my wife. When is the best time to mention my plan to her?She is usually most agreeable to things after a bottle of Prosecco. I feel to get her agreement, timing will be critical. 

I do not wish to appear selfish in my approach to this dire situation, as I firmly believe we all have a massive part to play during this horrendous time.Therefore I have decided not to go to the pub for an entire week.We must all make sacrifices after all.

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Hi Uncle Tone

I hope you can help. I really fancy this girl at work, but I’m not sure where to start. She’s always quite friendly towards me, but I think she may have a boyfriend. Should I send her a picture of my old-boy? 

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1 hour ago, Jerseybean said:

Hi Uncle Tone

I hope you can help. I really fancy this girl at work, but I’m not sure where to start. She’s always quite friendly towards me, but I think she may have a boyfriend. Should I send her a picture of my old-boy? 

 

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1 hour ago, Jerseybean said:

Hi Uncle Tone

I hope you can help. I really fancy this girl at work, but I’m not sure where to start. She’s always quite friendly towards me, but I think she may have a boyfriend. Should I send her a picture of my old-boy? 

Sorry to butt in Jb,as I am nowhere near as qualified as Auntie Tone,but is your dad particularly attractive?If not your beloved may see a glimpse of a fairly grim future.........oh! hang on,you meant your nob did'nt you.

Edited by Slacker

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Dear Uncle Tone.I have a big dilemma.It is a problem that I feel only one with such wisdom as yourself can help me with.I know that you are down with the kids and will be well aware that there is a shiny new PS5 due out sometime this year.

It is truly bound to be a wondrous and awe inspiring monument to video game entertainment. It will also be chuffing expensive!

To get to the point,can I sell/pawn/part exchange my two children to cover the cost of this life enhancing bit of kit?

Edited by Slacker

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2 hours ago, Slacker said:

As I am keen to acquire the best price for the aforementioned kidney,do you think I would be wisest to approach the established "family" butchers,or one of those fly by night chancers in the lorry in a pub car park?

Some further advice if you will Uncle Tone.The kidney in question actually belongs to my wife. When is the best time to mention my plan to her?She is usually most agreeable to things after a bottle of Prosecco. I feel to get her agreement, timing will be critical. 

I do not wish to appear selfish in my approach to this dire situation, as I firmly believe we all have a massive part to play during this horrendous time.Therefore I have decided not to go to the pub for an entire week.We must all make sacrifices after all.

I would probably approach your traditional family Butcher from the High St to get the best price as I'm not sure Tesco or Sainsbury would be as competetive.

Ok, its your Wifes kidney and its good to hear she agreed after a bottle of Prosecco, however may I suggest you get her on bottle number 2 before actually undertaking the removal procedure.

In order that all seems to continue as normal in your lives I would consider abstinence from visiting the pub as unnecessay.

Edited by BigTone

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2 hours ago, Jerseybean said:

Hi Uncle Tone

I hope you can help. I really fancy this girl at work, but I’m not sure where to start. She’s always quite friendly towards me, but I think she may have a boyfriend. Should I send her a picture of my old-boy? 

Not convinced that would be a good idea

old man.jpg

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37 minutes ago, Slacker said:

To get to the point,can I sell/pawn/part exchange my two children to cover the cost of this life enhancing bit of kit?

Absolutely 100%. You may (if lucky) even have enough left over to buy a good Chinese takeaway. No brainer for me.

Edited by BigTone

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How do I not kill my now working from home boyfriend when he coughs intermittently and claims he’s dying. Please note he does not have a persistent cough, nor a temperature, so he does not have the corona. . . 

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Hi Uncle Tone. I recently followed the advice of the nice people at Kent Online.

image.png.740c24f3ef4c18ee3fd6b115cb556fbc.png

Do you think I have a case to sue them following my subsequent arrest?

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36 minutes ago, Dollymarie said:

How do I not kill my now working from home boyfriend when he coughs intermittently and claims he’s dying. Please note he does not have a persistent cough, nor a temperature, so he does not have the corona. . . 

You should have taken up my offer while it stood. Now you must just suffer !!

NEXT !!

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13 minutes ago, Port Said Red said:

Hi Uncle Tone. I recently followed the advice of the nice people at Kent Online.

image.png.740c24f3ef4c18ee3fd6b115cb556fbc.png

Do you think I have a case to sue them following my subsequent arrest?

I can actually relate to your problem.

Recently I visited the Doctor who told me I must stop masturbating. When I asked why, he replied "because it is upsetting everyone in the waiting room".

My case is being heard next month.

In your situation i would advise taking legal action. You won't win but it will give everyone a good laugh in these otherwise dismal times.

NEXT

 

Edited by BigTone
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1 hour ago, BigTone said:

You should have taken up my offer while it stood. Now you must just suffer !!

NEXT !!

Ok, so now you want to play with me using the Aubergine. How times change Mrs !!!  😛

NEXT

Edited by BigTone
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2 hours ago, Dollymarie said:

How do I not kill my now working from home boyfriend when he coughs intermittently and claims he’s dying. Please note he does not have a persistent cough, nor a temperature, so he does not have the corona. . . 

Easy. You take employment as a Key Worker which ensures you have to be in your place of work and leave them all to it, works for me 😀

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2 hours ago, BigTone said:

Ok, so now you want to play with me using the Aubergine. How times change Mrs !!!  😛

NEXT

Ok easy Tiger, so now we move to the Hedgehog which is the epitomy of little pricks just like your boyfriend !!!

You will never beat me Dolly ......................... well depending on the type of whip and what you are wearing at the time.

NEXT

Edited by BigTone
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14 hours ago, BigTone said:

Ok easy Tiger, so now we move to the Hedgehog which is the epitomy of little pricks just like your boyfriend !!!

You will never beat me Dolly ......................... well depending on the type of whip and what you are wearing at the time.

NEXT

You'll be running out of emojis soon Mrs. So now we get the Unicorn you horny mare xx

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22 hours ago, BigTone said:

Ok easy Tiger, so now we move to the Hedgehog which is the epitomy of little pricks just like your boyfriend !!!

You will never beat me Dolly ......................... well depending on the type of whip and what you are wearing at the time.

NEXT

You'll be running out of emojis soon Mrs. So now we get the Unicorn you horny mare xx

NEXT

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3 hours ago, Major Isewater said:

My dog keeps chasing the postman on his bike , should I take his bike away ? 

Why did you but the dog a bike in the first place ?  Hope he wears a helmutt.

NEXT

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On 25/03/2020 at 15:43, RedM said:

Easy. You take employment as a Key Worker which ensures you have to be in your place of work and leave them all to it, works for me 😀

NEXT

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13 hours ago, AppyDAZE said:

I know a bloke who thinks he may be a Beatles infidel...

Learn from this man

11 hours ago, Major Isewater said:

I am approaching seventy  years old should I buy some beige nylon slacks ? 
 

 

Absolutely, they will hide the piss stains. May I suggest matching socks.

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9 hours ago, miser said:

They say Go West Young Man, but when I do I get to Nailsea - am I doing it wrong?

Just going to Nailsea anyway is wrong in every sense.

NEXT

Edited by BigTone

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1 hour ago, Major Isewater said:

With sandals ? 

You need to ask ?  However, remember in France slippers are acceptable.

NEXT

Edited by BigTone

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