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Never feel alone, It's good to talk !!


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15 hours ago, BigTone said:

Thanks, and thanks for your kind words. As I write she is due to have a procedure to remove fluid from her lungs. You are 100% correct that she will be getting better care in Flinders rather than the small country hospital that is Victor.

My family all live in Seaford on the southern outskirts of Adelaide so Dad has gone to stay with my Sister. Problem is he is 96 so is not handling the situation too well. Mum is 91.

We are worried that when Mum passes (which is inevitable) that he will just pine away also. He is not in great health either and each day is a bonus if he stays vertical rather than horizontal with the falls he has.

Normally I visit twice a year for 4 weeks but obviously can't do so now. Just want to be with them and do my bit to help. That is probably my biggest downer at the moment. I fully appreciate and understand the situation but my inability to be there for them is eating away at me.

Wife is due an op on 7th Jan but they have assured us it's nothing terminal which is a relief. In the meantime though she needs my assistance also as her mobility is very restricted.

Trying my best to remain positive but have good & bad moments.

No wonder I drink !!!

With genuine sincerity- I send my best wishes to you at a very very difficult life moment.

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On 24/12/2020 at 11:31, BigTone said:

Hope you all have a good Christmas despite all the crap that has gone on and continues to go on. If ever anyone needs a chat then please PM me anytime. Sometimes I think it can be easier talking to people you don't really know than those you do as it's easier to offload.

Perhaps when all this is over we can all meet up for a pint and a laugh.

Be good and mostly stay safe.

Happy Christmas 

Tony

PS: @JulieHasked that I share her xmas pic with you all..

womens-santa-sweetie-costume.jpg.cf.jpg

Wow!!! Thank u very much, again you will be sorely disappointed when we finally meet.

thank you for the thought, been a tough time for everyone, keep smiling people , and always remember football fans are one big family who can listen and help no matter what the problem is. 
 

I have weirdly missed all of you, even the abusive ones 😂and can’t wait for fans to return to football.

deployed  to Bristol city centre team so might catch up with some of you before football returns, keep safe everyone 😍

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On 25/12/2020 at 21:53, BigTone said:

Thanks, and thanks for your kind words. As I write she is due to have a procedure to remove fluid from her lungs. You are 100% correct that she will be getting better care in Flinders rather than the small country hospital that is Victor.

My family all live in Seaford on the southern outskirts of Adelaide so Dad has gone to stay with my Sister. Problem is he is 96 so is not handling the situation too well. Mum is 91.

We are worried that when Mum passes (which is inevitable) that he will just pine away also. He is not in great health either and each day is a bonus if he stays vertical rather than horizontal with the falls he has.

Normally I visit twice a year for 4 weeks but obviously can't do so now. Just want to be with them and do my bit to help. That is probably my biggest downer at the moment. I fully appreciate and understand the situation but my inability to be there for them is eating away at me.

Wife is due an op on 7th Jan but they have assured us it's nothing terminal which is a relief. In the meantime though she needs my assistance also as her mobility is very restricted.

Trying my best to remain positive but have good & bad moments.

No wonder I drink !!!

Fingers crossed for everything @BigTone 🤞

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On 28/12/2020 at 01:48, havanatopia said:

Sorry to hear about your Mum Tony and that you cannot visit. Is there absolutely no way even on humanitarian grounds? Heartbreaking. 

Am looking into the possibility, however most direct flights into Adelaide have been suspended so will need to go via Sydney, Melbourne or AN Other which is just a pain. Either way it would mean 14 days quarantine on arrival and then if there was an interstate outbreak could mean another 14 days quarantine in Adelaide so 28 days in total. Unlikely she will last that long. At the moment Facetime is as good as it gets.

She had her op eventually after a couple of postponements but then later in the day had a fall breaking her nose. They gave her a scan which then showed up that the cancer had spread to her brain. She just can't win at the moment.

She has gone home now to be with Dad and has ceased any further treatment although we have organised palliative care for her on a daily basis and her GP will do a home visit 2-3 times per week. Not an easy task when I am in France and she is in Australia. Problem is that in hospital the visiting is too restricted due to Covid (max 30 mins per day) and they just want time together. Hospital is also 30 odd miles away from their home and my 96yo Dad no longer drives so he relies on my Sister in Adelaide (60 miles away) to take him every day. They have been married for 72 years.  Can't blame her really as I would do the same. Quality rather than quantity now.

Life eh !!

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18 minutes ago, BigTone said:

Am looking into the possibility, however most direct flights into Adelaide have been suspended so will need to go via Sydney, Melbourne or AN Other which is just a pain. Either way it would mean 14 days quarantine on arrival and then if there was an interstate outbreak could mean another 14 days quarantine in Adelaide so 28 days in total. Unlikely she will last that long. At the moment Facetime is as good as it gets.

She had her op eventually after a couple of postponements but then later in the day had a fall breaking her nose. They gave her a scan which then showed up that the cancer had spread to her brain. She just can't win at the moment.

She has gone home now to be with Dad and has ceased any further treatment although we have organised palliative care for her on a daily basis and her GP will do a home visit 2-3 times per week. Not an easy task when I am in France and she is in Australia. Problem is that in hospital the visiting is too restricted due to Covid (max 30 mins per day) and they just want time together. Hospital is also 30 odd miles away from their home and my 96yo Dad no longer drives so he relies on my Sister in Adelaide (60 miles away) to take him every day. They have been married for 72 years.  Can't blame her really as I would do the same. Quality rather than quantity now.

Life eh !!

Blimey Tone

Awful , simply awful  , bless ya

Is there somebody (Family ?) close by in Aus that can look after your Dad ?

I know you certainly won’t , but it’s so easy to forget those that are suffering close to , and whose health affected too 

And you too Fella , try and look after yourself and stay strong

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10 minutes ago, Sheltons Army said:

Blimey Tone

Awful , simply awful  , bless ya

Is there somebody (Family ?) close by in Aus that can look after your Dad ?

I know you certainly won’t , but it’s so easy to forget those that are suffering close to , and whose health affected too 

And you too Fella , try and look after yourself and stay strong

My Sis lives in Adelaide so he will go and live with her when the time comes. She's going through it also as her husbands Mum is also in palliative care so is copping it from 2 directions, hence the reason I do what I can from here to assist. Spend most nights on the phone to Australia and its various medical departments who now know me on first name terms !! Also have 4 nephews there who are doing all they can to help.

As for me this end I just need to get my Wife through her op on 7th Jan and then I am going on the rip for a week or so !!

Then in Feb I go and arrange to have 2 knee replacements myself !!!! (Covid allowing).  Lucky I have some good friends here who will help out if needed.

 

Edited by BigTone
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@BigTone

I lost my father to cancer a few years back and I feel for you.

In this difficult time, I wish I had the words to bring comfort. Alas, I don't do flowers and soft things, so hopefully someone else words might do the job:

In your thoughts
we will touch.
In your dreams
we will meet.
Now our hearts
beat as one.
I am your shadow.
I'll always be close.

Hear my voice
in the wind.
See our dance
in a song.
Feel my warmth 
in the sun.
Remember, my love,
I'll always be close.

Do not weep
for my loss.
Time will pass...
Pain will fade...
You will laugh,
and I'll smile.
Live your life, my love.
I'll always be close.

I look at this from the point of memories I have of my dad and in a way, it reminds me of the opening of 'Love Actually'.

Remember the good times, no one can take them away.

 

 

As to depression, it's complicated i.e. people mislabel things.

I'll give a point of view:

  • Addressing it can be as simple as talking to someone about it, and on other occasions it needs more work.
  • That might be talking to a doctor and getting help through medication, and talking personally, I'm not a fan because it can be viewed as a 'silver bullet' and only works if you truly believe in 'silver bullets' (I don't)
  • Other times it's using tools such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) because this involves talking to someone and allows your mind to work the problem through (depression might be thought of as a manifestation of the mind processing things incorrectly).
  • Sometimes a combination of both?
  • But, at the end of the day, help starts with a chat

Be careful of those who tell you to buck yourself up.
Sometimes it works, and they might see themselves as being helpful, but it could be viewed as trying to 'brush it under the carpet' and that might come back to bite you.

And always beware of people selling cures.

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23 minutes ago, bcfcfinker said:

@BigTone

I lost my father to cancer a few years back and I feel for you.

In this difficult time, I wish I had the words to bring comfort. Alas, I don't do flowers and soft things, so hopefully someone else words might do the job:

In your thoughts
we will touch.
In your dreams
we will meet.
Now our hearts
beat as one.
I am your shadow.
I'll always be close.

Hear my voice
in the wind.
See our dance
in a song.
Feel my warmth 
in the sun.
Remember, my love,
I'll always be close.

Do not weep
for my loss.
Time will pass...
Pain will fade...
You will laugh,
and I'll smile.
Live your life, my love.
I'll always be close.

I look at this from the point of memories I have of my dad and in a way, it reminds me of the opening of 'Love Actually'.

Remember the good times, no one can take them away.

 

 

As to depression, it's complicated i.e. people mislabel things.

I'll give a point of view:

  • Addressing it can be as simple as talking to someone about it, and on other occasions it needs more work.
  • That might be talking to a doctor and getting help through medication, and talking personally, I'm not a fan because it can be viewed as a 'silver bullet' and only works if you truly believe in 'silver bullets' (I don't)
  • Other times it's using tools such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) because this involves talking to someone and allows your mind to work the problem through (depression might be thought of as a manifestation of the mind processing things incorrectly).
  • Sometimes a combination of both?
  • But, at the end of the day, help starts with a chat

Be careful of those who tell you to buck yourself up.
Sometimes it works, and they might see themselves as being helpful, but it could be viewed as trying to 'brush it under the carpet' and that might come back to bite you.

And always beware of people selling cures.

Thanks for that.

I think the only one who tells me to buck myself up is probably myself which while it may lift me out of the hole for a while it can propel me back again in equal measures. Always been a strong and independent person but maybe I need to understand my own limitations sometimes.

Like you I am not a fan of medication of any sorts. Lucky I have some good mates here and until lockdown occurred 3 or 4 of us would meet up every morning at 8am at the local cafe for coffee and would chew the cud. One of these saw his Father pass on a short while back so we understand each other and can relate. Still see them but not as often now and miss the interaction and help a chat can bring.

Edited by BigTone
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Blimey @BigTone, I've only just read this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family Sir.

I'm another that lost a parent some time ago now but there still isn't one day I don't remember the happier times.

My sincere best wishes to you and your family and I hope you are allowed to travel once your wife is on the road to recovery and you make it in time.

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On 09/01/2021 at 02:35, Ska Junkie said:

Blimey @BigTone, I've only just read this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family Sir.

I'm another that lost a parent some time ago now but there still isn't one day I don't remember the happier times.

My sincere best wishes to you and your family and I hope you are allowed to travel once your wife is on the road to recovery and you make it in time.

Wife is ok thanks and recovering well .  Mum, regrettably not so good.

Edited by BigTone
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  • The title was changed to Never feel alone, It's good to talk !!

When I was younger the situation was often misunderstood and the term sulking or sulky was frequently used even when the person was obviously in a lot more pain than a momentary "telling off" or being "fed up". 

With me sometimes it's the almost instantaneous change of mood from ok to low and anyone who tells me to "buck up" will really do wonders for me! Only time and a bit of space will allow me to recover. Quite often I can't identify what has caused my change of mood.

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On 11/01/2021 at 17:12, phantom said:

Just a reminder of the numbers that are available for those who need help and support, or want to talk to someone

image.png

Only just noticed this thread. I bet people could do with those numbers right now 👍

I'll just add these numbers too as alcoholism seems to be on the rise.

Alcoholics Anonymous 0117 9265520 (Bristol) 0800 91776550 (UK)

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On 13/01/2021 at 17:15, Midred said:

When I was younger the situation was often misunderstood and the term sulking or sulky was frequently used even when the person was obviously in a lot more pain than a momentary "telling off" or being "fed up". 

With me sometimes it's the almost instantaneous change of mood from ok to low and anyone who tells me to "buck up" will really do wonders for me! Only time and a bit of space will allow me to recover. Quite often I can't identify what has caused my change of mood.

@Midred

I believe that sudden mood swings are not unusual with many people.

Sometimes, I feel really up and very gregarious. Like speaking to total strangers on trains or at football matches.

Then there is the other side of me when I go right in my shell. A party when I sit and don't say a word to anyone while all others are laughing, joking and drinking. I walk the dog or listen to music. My favourite is Wagner; dark stories but superb music that after taking one down can then lift the spirits back to normal.

 

Edited by cidered abroad
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On 17/01/2021 at 10:52, cidered abroad said:

@Midred

I believe that sudden mood swings are not unusual with many people.

Sometimes, I feel really up and very gregarious. Like speaking to total strangers on trains or at football matches.

Then there is the other side of me when I go right in my shell. A party when I sit and don't say a word to anyone while all others are laughing, joking and drinking. I walk the dog or listen to music. My favourite is Wagner; dark stories but superb music that after taking one down can then lift the spirits back to normal.

 

its funny Apocalypse Now got me into Classical Music Wilhelm's Ride was superb but I also like PF LS(sadly no more but they are at least free birds) rapid eye movement. Music can take you up or down I find getting it in the right order helps.

Edited by reddoh
missed up or maybe messed up deleted 2nd are
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as you all know by now i am a massive Tyson fury fan, have a read of his 2 books in boxing terms the story will put your ass on the canvas but after reading the books  they will give you strength and will to rise off that canvas.as men we try are best to hide are feelings because we are bulletproof and dont like to look or feel week, if you can talk about your problems your half way off the canvas the next move is to find the knock out punch and put depression clean on its backside

i do hope that makes sense

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On 22/01/2021 at 12:26, phantom said:

20210122_122626.jpg

That's so true, so much damage caused trying to be strong for others rather than sharing your feelings. 

In the early 1990's my father in law was diagnosed with cancer- he "lived" for another three years. Six months after his diagnosis my father was diagnosed with cancer - he "lived" for another three months. I nearly lost it completely in those times. I didn't feel able to grieve properly for my own father with the obvious feelings my wife was going through with her father's illness. 

In hindsight I should definitely opened up to her.

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