Abraham Romanovich Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Leave house in car 2 hours before kick off, park a mile away park up on pavement trudge back to house through wind and rain. Take seat on sofa in front room , get another occupant to read out the team sheet from a bedroom with the door closed. Once match started get various people to walk past you and the TV. Say continually certain phrases 2 of which must be ,like watching paint dry , £20k a week and he can't trap a ball, also referencing cows arse and banjos. Half time shuffle on stairs for 10 minutes outside toilet do what nature dictates wash hands with cold tap , blow on fingers then wipe any excess off of on trousers. 2nd half keep repeating it's only a matter of time before we concede or just sit in silence Leave 10 minutes before final whistle to avoid traffic , forget which road you parked in. Arrive home, found we scored a last minute winner. Rinse and repeat for the next match Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
exAtyeoMax Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 1 minute ago, Abraham Romanovich said: Leave house in car 2 hours before kick off, park a mile away park up on pavement a mile away trudge back to house through wind and rain. Take seat on sofa in front room , get another occupant to read out the team sheet from a bedroom with the door closed. Once match started get various people to walk past you and the TV. Say continually certain phrases 2 of which must be ,like watching paint dry , £20k a week and he can't trap a ball, also referencing cows arse and banjos. Half time shuffle on stairs for 10 minutes outside toilet do what nature dictates wash hands with cold tap , blow on fingers then wipe any excess off of on trousers. 2nd half keep repeating it's only a matter of time before we concede or just sit in silence Leave 10 minutes before final whistle to avoid traffic , forget which road you parked in. Arrive home, found we scored a last minute winner. Rinse and repeat for the next match did you get anything to eat ? Or take a flask? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 You forgot to mention getting a mate to stick a parking ticket on your windscreen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Furious Custard Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 You forgot to get the wife to put on a high vis jacket and pat you down without making eye contact or really ever actually touching you before you are allowed in the house. Also don't forget to place a small picture of Jeff Stelling in the hallway to stare up at for far too long causing you to strain your neck before you sit down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 You could walk up and down your stairs twenty five times to recreate getting to your seat at the back of the South Stand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midlands Robin Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Buy a £1 Ginsters pasty from the local shop a few days before. About 3 hours before kick off, place it in a hot oven. Do not check it, touch it or go near it for the next 3 and 3/4 hours. 5 minutes before half time, rush out of the front room and into the kitchen where one of your children will have pulled the nuclear hot, dry and burnt pasty out of the oven, wrapped it in a bit of kitchen roll so you can't see the damage until you're back in the front room and charged you 5 times the original price of the pasty for the privilege. For extra authenticity, have the child give you a cup of tea made from water that's hotter than the surface of the sun but has only been introduced to a tea bag for roughly 3 seconds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extonsred Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Make sure you win the half time draw!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midlands Robin Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Some handy chants to sing to members of the family, the cat or anyone nearby: "My sofa cushion is softer than yours, My sofa cushion is softer than yours" "Is this my front room? Is this my front room?" "Vacuum the carpet, Vacuum the carpet, for tonight we're making tea" "Where be that remote to? I know where it be, It's down behind the sofa and we're stuck on ITV" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomThumb84 Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 I generally get settled at 2.50pm for kick off and then between 3.01pm and 3.12pm I ask my wife to continually walk in and out past me for no apparent reason causing me to miss split seconds of the match and for me to stand up and sit down. She then recommences this at 3.37pm through to 4.11pm, and then again at 4.39pm. Whilst she is seated she reads her phone outloud, talks about anything other than the game on the pitch and occassionally offers generic football cliche pearls of wisdom in a range of different voices, and moans a lot even though she has missed approximately a quarter of the game. Even though she has never set foot in Ashton Gate, she manages to achieve this replication of my matchday experience perfectly, but is as bemused as me at why this needs to happen, I can offer no explanation either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmNick Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 I like to have a recording of someone shouting things like "PUT IT IN THE MIXER SON", "GET FORWARDS YOU BELLEND" or "LINE IT LINE IT NO SQUARE YOU IDIOT" while someone sprays a mixture of water and pasty flakes in my hair / on the back of my neck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 1 minute ago, IAmNick said: I like to have a recording of someone shouting things like "PUT IT IN THE MIXER SON", "GET FORWARDS YOU BELLEND" or "LINE IT LINE IT NO SQUARE YOU IDIOT" while someone sprays a mixture of water and pasty flakes in my hair / on the back of my neck. I find inserting a shout of `Sort it out Johnson` at regular intervals helps too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Banjo Island Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 1 hour ago, Abraham Romanovich said: Leave house in car 2 hours before kick off, park a mile away park up on pavement trudge back to house through wind and rain. Take seat on sofa in front room , get another occupant to read out the team sheet from a bedroom with the door closed. Once match started get various people to walk past you and the TV. Say continually certain phrases 2 of which must be ,like watching paint dry , £20k a week and he can't trap a ball, also referencing cows arse and banjos. Half time shuffle on stairs for 10 minutes outside toilet do what nature dictates wash hands with cold tap , blow on fingers then wipe any excess off of on trousers. 2nd half keep repeating it's only a matter of time before we concede or just sit in silence Leave 10 minutes before final whistle to avoid traffic , forget which road you parked in. Arrive home, found we scored a last minute winner. Rinse and repeat for the next match Sounds exactly like my matchday experience Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Net Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Pitch a tent on the lawn, get a portal-oo installed on the drive. Run an extension lead to the tent to make sure I get the big screen experience via the 14" portable TV - don't forget to tune into Babestation at half-time. Remove the top from the bottle of Fanta 24 hours before kick-off, so that it's authentically flat, and order in some out of date crisps. Good to go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bristol Oil Services Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 4 minutes ago, In the Net said: Pitch a tent on the lawn, get a portal-oo installed on the drive. Run an extension lead to the tent to make sure I get the big screen experience via the 14" portable TV - don't forget to tune into Babestation at half-time. Remove the top from the bottle of Fanta 24 hours before kick-off, so that it's authentically flat, and order in some out of date crisps. Good to go! And sing non-stop for 90 minutes plus added time, whilst finding a moment to wildly over-estimate the actual attendance of, one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M.D Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 My step son is a liverpool fan (yes I know) he was upstairs watching Man Utd v Liverpool in the fa cup, at the start signing and all that crap. As soon as Man U went 3-2 up me and the misses stood at the bottom of the stairs and started signing "Its all gone quiet over there" I think it helped make that match day expirence for him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 After 25 minutes, get the neighbour to shout through the window “the gas are losing”. Then, after 84 minutes, ask him to shout through the window “******* rovers, got a bloody penalty”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BTRFTG Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 If you think I'm spending over 7 hours sitting in the car on my drive listening to ****s like Savage you've another think coming.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 10 minutes ago, Moments of Pleasure said: And sing non-stop about how much you hate City for 90 minutes plus added time, whilst finding a moment to wildly over-estimate the actual attendance of, one? Corrected for accuracy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 When the opposition score, get the wife to cheer loudly from another room, so that you can rush toward that room in an aggressive manner, shouting “**** off you cockney ***** / northern ******* / sheep shagging pricks” (insert as necessary) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin Maesknoll Red Posted January 29, 2021 Admin Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 1 hour ago, Midlands Robin said: Some handy chants to sing to members of the family, the cat or anyone nearby: "My sofa cushion is softer than yours, My sofa cushion is softer than yours" "Is this my front room? Is this my front room?" "Vacuum the carpet, Vacuum the carpet, for tonight we're making tea" "Where be that remote to? I know where it be, It's down behind the sofa and we're stuck on ITV" Or ”My TV My TV is bigger than yours its got a remote and a soundbar My TV is bigger than yours” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin Maesknoll Red Posted January 29, 2021 Admin Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Line up a couple of pints on the kitchen worktop, about four hours before the game, get the family to crowd the worktop at half time, so you have to fight to get to the beers and only have 6 minutes to neck the two, lukewarm, flat pints before having a piss and getting back to your seat 3 mins after second half kick off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midlands Robin Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 A few more tips: Write your own programme by creating a wildly optimistic review of City's last match and sticking it next to a picture of Deano. Google some pictures of opposition players and Google a previous match we've played against them. Stick in some adverts from the BEP and ask the wife 10 City related questions for the fans view section. Invite the local under tens football team to stand in your garden and watch the match through the window, then at half time have them parade through your front room waving flags. Before, during and after the game, play music at full volume but place the stereo in your bedroom upstairs so only the neighbours get the full effect. Invent a half time challenge where one of your children takes on a neighbour at a penalty shootout. Give the winner one of your T-shirts. Also at half time, have a picture taken of you and the wife holding a gigantic cardboard cheque. Create yourself a surfing flag by drawing a picture in sharpy of Scotty Murray on one of your bedsheets then have the kids hold it over your head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downendcity Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Mrs Downend takes offence when I nip round the side of the house at half timeand pee against the wall, having first flooded the drive so I'm paddling around in water. Mind you, she prefers that to earlier in the season when I told her to stand right in front of me and then peed down the back of her leg! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PHILINFRANCE Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 9 minutes ago, downendcity said: Mrs Downend takes offence when I nip round the side of the house at half timeand pee against the wall, having first flooded the drive so I'm paddling around in water. Mind you, she prefers that to earlier in the season when I told her to stand right in front of me and then peed down the back of her leg! According to a friend, some people pay quite a lot of money to do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midred Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 1 hour ago, M.D said: My step son is a liverpool fan (yes I know) he was upstairs watching Man Utd v Liverpool in the fa cup, at the start signing and all that crap. As soon as Man U went 3-2 up me and the misses stood at the bottom of the stairs and started signing "Its all gone quiet over there" I think it helped make that match day expirence for him Did you shout " who are you" - "who are you", when he came down afterwards? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davefevs Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 @Abraham Romanovichbest OP of 2021. Football Viz!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
New Dazzler Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 3 hours ago, Moments of Pleasure said: And sing non-stop for 90 minutes plus added time, whilst finding a moment to wildly over-estimate the actual attendance of, one? My version of this is to berate any family member who is not singing as they "cannot be true fans", but as soon as the opposition score on the 70th-80th minute I call the players a bunch of whatevers, and show my true support by storming out of the room, gesticulating towards, and threatening the away fans, who might possibly be neighbours watching throught the window from the front garden (all socially distanced of course!). Then a final hail of abuse towards said family members for staying in the room to watch that rubbish! I also designate one of my sons as a steward, to stare at me for the duration of the match, move a bit nearer to me when I stand up, then magically disappear when I start kicking off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bristol Oil Services Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 1 hour ago, downendcity said: Mrs Downend takes offence when I nip round the side of the house at half timeand pee against the wall, having first flooded the drive so I'm paddling around in water. Mind you, she prefers that to earlier in the season when I told her to stand right in front of me and then peed down the back of her leg! Yes, why not re-create the whole 1970s matchday experience, adding to what you've suggested there. If you're unlucky enough to have, say, some cock-er-nee neighbours, ask them to pop raaand when we play a London club, giving them a spare key to let themselves in early so's they "take" the sofa before you get there. Then go into the lounge and steam into them. Or, lie in wait behind the lounge door, then pile into them as they brazenly waltz into the lounge, thinking they own the place. Meanwhile, get the missus to pan fry some onions in the kitchen, so that they fill the house with the pungent aroma of, well, frying onions. Next, invite some nubile young ladies to dance about a bit in your living room as they teams emerge from the tunnel, wearing a close-fitting t-shirt and white knickers. Perhaps with a red garter around one thigh. If you can get hold of any chimpanzees or seals, you might get them to entertain you before the game too. And perhaps during it. Then, after the game, pile out into the garden, and run backwards and forwards chasing the objectionable cock-er-nee neighbours and giving them a good slap and a kicking if one falls to the ground, calling to the children to come and join in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonkyone Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 Don't forget to chant "We are Brizzle City, Werll sit where we wan" a few times before sitting on your wifes/partners/offsprings side of the sofa and complain about the view/strange ar@e sized indent in cushion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Leigh of Somerset Posted January 29, 2021 Report Share Posted January 29, 2021 I've run out of but the posts on this thread have given me the best laugh in quite a while. Thank you A.R. Great stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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