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Jay

Big Tone's 'Joke of the Day' thread

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Although often accused of being the reincarnation of Tommy Cooper, this false yet understandable accusation is often accredited to BigTone59 due to his 'select' jokes.

Anyway, after a little persuasion, Tony has agreed to grace us all with a daily joke from his archives.

Enjoy.

Over to you Tone.......

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Can anyone join in or is it just Tony?

Ive got a particularly bad one..........

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

Rock-it!

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Shame on you all for encouraging him.

:disapointed2se:

Only kidding of course, corny jokes are actually quite funny.

Edited by Browner_11

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Ok, to start heres a treat of a few gems:

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said," You've got collara."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

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Can anyone join in or is it just Tony?

Ive got a particularly bad one..........

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

Rock-it!

Hmmmm, passable Dolls, keep em coming !!

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Shame on you all for encouraging him.

:disapointed2se:

Only kidding of course, corny jokes are actually quite funny.

Corn, Corn !!!!! , these are classic playground pleasers Browner !!

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a

diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat

this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have

lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost

Nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my

instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I

were going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the Doctor

"No, from ' skippin' replied the Irishman !!

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Whats brown and sticky

A stick!!!

(can this be the bigtone and Dolls thread then?)

Ok, but we split the revenue equally, 80% (me) & 20% (you)

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Police have found a local ice cream man dead in the back of his van. He was covered in nuts, sauce and sprinkle. Police think that he topped himself!

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

Edited by Dollymarie

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Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?

A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?

A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?

A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?

A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?

A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a chav in a suit

A. "Will the defendant please rise"

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so

ever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to

hit him?

A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?

A. What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?

A. Thay have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight

of stairs.

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?

A. The policeman!

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?

A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?

A. A start.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?

A. Because a nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?

A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?

A. Bigmac please.

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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world right now, it is

worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost

went unnoticed a few weeks ago. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", peacefully passed away at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his right leg in. And then the trouble started.

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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the

peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers,

'We just love the chocolate around them.............

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Tone are you doing these jokes retrospectively? Only the title does say joke of the "day" We're only on day one and already weve had over 20.

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Tone are you doing these jokes retrospectively? Only the title does say joke of the "day" We're only on day one and already weve had over 20.

Oh no, does that mean we now have to go 20 days without a joke then!

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How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

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Tone are you doing these jokes retrospectively? Only the title does say joke of the "day" We're only on day one and already weve had over 20.

Sorry, the excitement of the occasion got the better of me. Consider the last 20 a treat !!

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Oh no, does that mean we now have to go 20 days without a joke then!

Fear not RedM, I would never let my public down.

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Last one for today:

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.

I said "I careered off the road"

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Last week was my birthday

and I didn't feel very well

waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast

hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!",

and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

she barely said good morning,

let alone

" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well,

that's marriage for you,

but the kids....

They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast

and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low

and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,

my secretary Jane said,

"Good Morning Boss,

and by the way

Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better

that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,

when Jane knocked on my door

and said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day.

Let's go !"

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go

where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro

with a private table.

We had two martinis each

and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,

Jane said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We ?"

I responded,

"I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?"

She said,

"Let's drop by my apartment,

it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,

Jane turned to me and said,

" Boss, if you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.

I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,

after a couple of minutes,

she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed

by my wife,

my kids,

and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,

all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

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On the M5 today, a lorry carrying a load of brown paint collided with a lorry carrying a load of purple paint. Both drivers were marooned.

Edited by Rudolf Hucker

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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy ?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy , I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as we tell

me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley ?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly ?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon ?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan ?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it JOANNE CASSIDY, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy

Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You

cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

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A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the

doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see

what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"

asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood

transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

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I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman walk in to a bar. The bar tender looks over and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"!

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a

plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out

here,' says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we

had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I

survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I

was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but

they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?'asks

Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle

had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in

medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you

can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for

six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you

going to be?'

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, that"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, that'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

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Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock ' s forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it ' s all going grand," says Jock. "I ' ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I ' ve even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that ' s braw, you ' ll look pure smart in that!

"And what ' s the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I ' d imagine she ' ll be in white..."

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Paul wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Paul is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Paul had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Paul sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.

I love you, sweetheart!

Love,

Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Paul asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you

puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the

table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table: £79.99

Hot Breakfast: £4.20

Two Aspirins: £0.38

Saying the right thing at the right time - "Priceless"

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A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

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Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

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An elderly gentleman went to the local chemist and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces".

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy".

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

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What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?

Lipstick

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Ok, to start heres a treat of a few gems:

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said," You've got collara."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

is'nt tim vine great

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A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!

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I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are talking together one day. Sleeping Beauty says she believes she is the most beautiful girl in the whole world. Tom Thumb says then he must be the worlds smallest man. Quasimodo states he surely must be the most ugly person in the whole world. They all agree amongst themselves but would like it confirmed and acknowledged by other people.

To do this, they go to the offices of the Guiness Book of Records. One by one they go to the reception desk and speak to the person there. Sleeping Beauty is first and returns to her friends smiling broadly, "It's true" she says,"I am the most beautiful girl." Tom Thumb goes next and when he returns he too is smiling and tells his friends he is indeed the smallest person ever.

Lastly it is Quasimodo's turn, but when he returns he is frowning and looking sad. Tom Thumb says, "What's the matter Quasi? Arn't you the ugliest in the land?

"No" says Quasi, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles anyway?"

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "Why the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section

of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her

nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing

of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman

sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once

more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious

about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet

again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even

more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I

couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose

and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition;

whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never

heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for

it?"

The woman nodded. "Snuff."

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