Written jokes thread

[cider hoss rules]

A bloke is swimming off the coast when he gets into difficulty and starts drowning.

After a few minutes of struggling a boat comes past and offers him help,

'it's ok' says the man, 'I put my faith in god, he will save me'

The boat sails away again.

After more struggling, a helicopter appears, and drops down to offer assistance,

again the man says 'it's ok, I put my faith in god, he will save me'

After the helicopter flies off, the man continues to struggle and is sadly drowned.

He appears at the pearly gates and is greeted by god,

He says to god 'I prayed to you and believed you would save me, what went wrong?'

God says, 'I sent you a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?'

[BigTone]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,


"Is that one word or two?"

[BigTone]

Guy walks into a pub with a newt on his shoulder.

Barman says, what'll it be sir?

Guy says, pint for me, and a half for tiny.

Barman says, if you don't mind me asking sir, why do you call him tiny?

Guys says, because he is my newt.

[BigTone]

I was in Dubai when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read
'I miss Liverpool..'

So I broke the window, cleared out the glove box, stole the radio
and left a note that read..

"Hope this helps.."

[Esmond Million's Bung]

Welsh boy Dai has decided to marry his sweet heart Blodwyn and as a strict methodist goes to visit her father to ask for Blodwyn's hand in marriage.

Dai say's "Mr Jones I really love your beautiful daughter Blodwyn and I would like your permission to marry her".

Mr Jones says "Well Dai there is something very important that I have to tell you about my Boldwyn".

"Ok Mr Jones, whatever is it".

"Blodwyn has acute angina".

"Yes I know Mr jones and beautiful pair of tits if you don't mind me saying so".

[Antman]

my wife's been missing for a week now, the police came round and told me to prepare for the worst - so i nipped down the charity shop and got all her clothes back,

[BigTone]

Dont forget comic relief this year, Just £5.00 a month can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girl friend.

[cider hoss rules]

bought my Mrs a hamster fur coat the other day, it looks great ......................... only trouble is it took me 4 hours to get her off the ferris wheel at Blackpool yesterday

[BigTone]

Some years ago, in a small coastal community, Paddy married a
woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took
delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It
soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according
to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a
while..

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian
since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon
not to gossip..

However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall
during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow that was
having difficulty breeding with a big towel. Apparently, this cooled her
down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong,
young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and
possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath
towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a
go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a ****in'
towel"

[BigTone]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'

[cider hoss rules]

My wife wanted to do some role play early this morning.

I asked her to pretend to be a schoolgirl.

She asked, "Why, do you find girls in uniform sexy?"

I replied, "No, I want you to bugger off until four o'clock this afternoon."

[cider hoss rules]

My missus said to me the other night, "Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?"

I replied, "god knows, but I won't be doing it again..."

[BigTone]

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment you know."

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b#*?%@ks. There's no point in you coming in for that.

[Fodbarmyarmy]

In a Tottenham church on Sunday morning a preacher said,

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come

forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

[cider hoss rules]

my mrs asked me to make her moan in bed last night ......................................... so I ran into the bathroom and p***ed on the toilet seat

[cider hoss rules]

I was sitting watching match of the day the other night, and my Mrs came in and said 'fancy a sh*g babe'?

I said, 'after the football love'

She said, 'you know you can record it don't you'

I said 'Nice, you get the camcorder and I'll be up when the footy finishes'

[BigTone]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers". Inspired by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied "I'm just a s**t golfer".

[eskay]

It's red nose day today or as Alex Ferguson calls it.......Friday.

[BigTone]

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat
because he had an important meeting and couldn't
find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity
on me. If you find me a parking place I
will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my
life and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said, "Never mind. I
found one."

[BigTone]

I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban

[You Do The Dziekanowski]

In an Egyptian Pyramid lies a Mummy covered in Nuts and Chocolate

Archaeologists believe they have found Pharoe Rocher

[Lew-T]

My Yorkshire mate, Jack, turned up late to work today.

I said "Ejaculate."

[Drew Peacock]

Because of the financial crisis Cyprus can't export taramasalata or hummus.

It's a double dip recession.

[BigTone]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank you card and a box of Quality Street."

To which the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."

[cider hoss rules]

I went to the cemetary yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there I notices 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself;

They've lost the plot

[BigTone]

My ex wife was sat in the living room when I came home from work.
Completely out of character she told me to get my knob out and masturbate onto her breasts and face.
I was erect in seconds and not wanting miss the chance I whipped it out and started to bring myself off vigorously.
Just as I was about to come her mother walked in from the kitchen holding a freshly made cuppa.
"There you go mum" said my ex,
"I told you he was a dirty sex obsessed b@stard."

[BigTone]

This bloke come up to me the other day and said
"Friera hant hatt"
I said "What?"
he said
"Rafier naht taht"
I looked at him and raised my eyebrows in a quizzical manner and he then said
"Firear thna ttah"

I said "Well mate, whatever happens, you cant say fairer than that."

[BigTone]

I was hungover this morning so phoned work and said to the boss, "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Tony," he replied. "I'm taking the '& son' off the shop sign."

[cider hoss rules]

A man & wife are in bed.He farts & shouts ''Goal.''

His wife farts & shouts ''One all.''

When the score gets to two all,the man strains so hard he craps the bed.

His wife says ''What the hell was that?''

''Half time - swap sides.''

[BigTone]

A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
"DIG!" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG!" Booms the voice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him.
Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again "CASINO!"
What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout "ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.
"16 BLACK!" the voice says.
So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"****!" shouts the voice...