WTFiGO!?! Posted April 7, 2015 Report Share Posted April 7, 2015 Moo mooooo, moo moooo moo; moo moooo moo moo' moo moooo, moo? Moo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 19, 2015 Report Share Posted April 19, 2015 I'm glad I don't rely on you lot for anything ! Ok, here goes : The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red-Robbo Posted April 21, 2015 Report Share Posted April 21, 2015 One off t'internet: While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises.... The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down and so on down to hell. When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. Today you voted. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 24, 2015 Report Share Posted April 24, 2015 A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red-Robbo Posted May 7, 2015 Report Share Posted May 7, 2015 Woman takes her Alsation to the vets. She tells the vet, "Can you do something please. Yesterday, I was bending over to do the hoovering in my nightie, and he jumped up on my back and tried to have his way with me." The embarrassed vet said, "Well, we can neuter him, but I'm afraid that doesn't take away the sexual urge." The woman says, "You don't understand. I want you to clip his claws." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted May 13, 2015 Report Share Posted May 13, 2015 Before I got through to Seaworld, I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!" They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2015 Report Share Posted June 6, 2015 Cliff Richard was in a Chinese restaurant one evening with friends Waiter .. "Criff I love your sungs sing for me Tits And Fanny, prease" ... Cliff.. "I am very sorry but I am out with friends can you leave us alone thank you". Waiter.." prease Criff, prease" . Cliff.." Look here, I have never sung a song about tits and fanny so please go away". Waiter..".I sing for you, tits and fanny why we don't talk any more". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted June 6, 2015 Report Share Posted June 6, 2015 (edited) Cliff Richard was in a Chinese restaurant one evening with friends Waiter .. "Criff I love your sungs sing for me Tits And Fanny, prease" ... Cliff.. "I am very sorry but I am out with friends can you leave us alone thank you". Waiter.." prease Criff, prease" . Cliff.." Look here, I have never sung a song about tits and fanny so please go away". Waiter..".I sing for you, tits and fanny why we don't talk any more". The following evening, Stevie Wonder walked in to the same restaurant... Waiter .. "Stevie I love your sungs sing for me a jazz chord, prease" Stevie .. "I am very sorry but I am out with friends can you leave us alone thank you". Waiter.." prease Stevie prease" . Stevie." Look here, I don't do jazz music, you may have me confused with someone else" Waiter..".I sing for you, A Jazz Chord to say, I ruv you". Edited June 6, 2015 by glynriley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1960maaan Posted June 21, 2015 Report Share Posted June 21, 2015 I bought some daps from a drug dealer yesterday , I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all morning. Joke theft is not a real crime Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted June 23, 2015 Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 A man goes into a bakers... Man - Can I have a loaf of bread please Baker - Brown or white? Man - It doesn't matter, I've got my bike outside... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
handsofclay Posted June 23, 2015 Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 A lump of black tarmac goes into a pub asks for a pint and then shouts that he's the toughest sonafabitch in the pub. Nobody argues with the statement so he takes his pint and sits down next to his mate. A stretch of Red tarmac then enters the pub asks for a pint and shouts that he's the toughest sonafabitch in the pub. Nobody argues so he goes and sits down. The mate of the black tarmac then says to the black tarmac ' here, I reckon you're tougher than him, so why didn't you say anything?' 'No way,' replies the black tarmac, 'I ain't having nothing to do with him...he's a bloody cycle path!' 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 23, 2015 Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 Lady goes into a baker's and asks for a wasp . The Baker says " We don't sell wasps " " Oh , you've one in the window " 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cottsciderarmy Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 A man goes into a bakers... Man - Can I have a loaf of bread please Baker - Brown or white? Man - It doesn't matter, I've got my bike outside... Okay I might be thick but I don't get it ? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wanderingred Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 I read the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only was it bad, it was bad. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rich Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 My mother in law has a tattoo of a shell on her thigh, if you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bar BS3 Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 Teacher says to her class "right children, today we are going to talk about what your daddies do to earn a living" after a couple of kids explaining about their fathers work as a plumber and bank clerk, the teacher asks little Tommy what his dad does. "Well miss, my dad wears a very short skirt and puts on my mums make up, he goes up to the downs and sucks other men off and let's them use his ass for money" The teacher is shocked by little Tommy's reply and orders him out of the classroom to explain. "Tommy, I didn't know you dad does anything like that! Is that true..?" She asks. Tommy replies "No miss, I'm sorry. He actually plays for Bristol Rovers but I'm too embarrassed to tell my classmates that". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence containing the word contagious. Lucy stands up and says "My Daddy has a cold and Mummy said it might be contagious" Billy stands up and says "We can't take our dog on holiday because he might get rabies which is contagious" Johnny stands up and says "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 6 inch brush and my Dad said it wil take the contagious" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedYoshi Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 Knock knock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PHILINFRANCE Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 Okay I might be thick but I don't get it ? That 'joke' is at least 50 years old and is only funny due to comments like yours! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PHILINFRANCE Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 My mother in law has a tattoo of a shell on her thigh, if you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea. Is your Mum called 'Michelle'? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slippin cider Posted June 25, 2015 Report Share Posted June 25, 2015 These sat navs ain't half clever....I was driving past the zoo the other day and it said ' bear left' ....uncanny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted June 25, 2015 Report Share Posted June 25, 2015 These sat navs ain't half clever....I was driving past the zoo the other day and it said ' bear left' ....uncanny! Someone's watched 'Paddington' Very enjoyable, BTW 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 27, 2015 Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 27, 2015 Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 Fred: "Why do elephants wear red nail polish?" Bob: "I don't know, why?" Fred: "To hide in cherry trees." Bob: "But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree." Fred: "See, it works." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 27, 2015 Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Shit." The son asks, "What does shit mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "f ***." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen ****ing the turkey." Edited June 27, 2015 by BigTone 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbored Posted June 27, 2015 Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 Okay I might be thick but I don't get it ? You're not alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted June 27, 2015 Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 Fred: "Why do elephants wear red nail polish?" Bob: "I don't know, why?" Fred: "To hide in cherry trees." Bob: "But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree." Fred: "See, it works." Why do ducks have flat feet? For putting out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of cherry trees on to burning ducks. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 27, 2015 Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 Why do ducks have flat feet?For putting out fires.Why do elephants have flat feet?From jumping out of cherry trees on to burning ducks.Why do Elephants wear snow shoes ?So they don't sink in the sand.Why do Ostriches bury their heads in the sand ?To look for Elephants that don't wear snow shoes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rich Posted June 29, 2015 Report Share Posted June 29, 2015 A man is stopped by police in North St. He's carrying a bucket, shouting yehaw and throwing imaginary seeds across the road. The policeman asks him what he thinks he's doing as he's frightening the shoppers away. The man replies "it keeps the lions away", but there's no lions in North St say's the copper. the man smiles and say's " bloody good stuff aint it". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calculus Posted August 7, 2015 Report Share Posted August 7, 2015 I see that, with the closure of Kids' Company, Camilla Batmanghelidjh has returned to her real life identity of Camilla Brucewayneghelidj. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.