Written jokes thread

[WhistleHappy]

A surprise celebrity appearance is expected in Bristol today to mark the launch of the city's Period Friendly Bristol initiative.

The aim is to end 'period poverty' and to help with the monthly expense of female sanitary products... 

"It'll be an absolute pleasure to visit Bristol today in support of this fannytastic  charitable initiative it is a cause close to my heart, I'm delighted to be associated with it and put my name to ' said Mr Blobby. 

 

[phantom]

Two women were playing golf. One tee’d off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me’, she told him. 

 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. 

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? 

He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!’

[phantom]

I had a really strange experience tonight

I was stood at the bar waiting to be served, the person behind the bar was out the back and nobody was near me.

I hear "Psst, nice shirt" I looked around and there's nobody there.

A few seconds later I hear "Psst, nice shoes" still nobody behind the bar and nobody near me

Then I hear "Psst, we should be friends"

Finally a guy appears behind the bar and I asked him whether he talking to me?

He replied "No, what did you hear?"

So I explained "I heard, Nice shirt, nice shoes, we should be friends"

"Oh" replied the barman "Thats just the peanuts....They're complimentary"

[Robbored]

Two old boys Bill and Tom grew up together and played in the same team and followed cricket all over country most of their lives. Sitting at the County Ground in Taunton during the tea break Tom says to Bill  ‘do you suppose that they have cricket up in heaven?’  ‘ Dunno’ says Bill ‘but whichever one of us gets there first, they come back in a dream to let the other know’

Eventually Tom passes away and that night he visits his life long friend in a dream....’ Bill, I have some good news, and some bad news, which one would you like first’?

’ The good news first, Tom’

’ well, says Tom, ‘there is cricket up here in heaven. It’s wonderful, no rain delays, perfect temperatures’ 

‘and the bad news is that you’re opening the batting tomorrow!’

[WhistleHappy]

I think with all the depressing news at the moment we could all do with some light hearted light relief...

It's been a while since anyone has contributed to Big Tones Joke Of The Day thread....

 

COYR's … got any  ' good un's '  ?

Laughter is the best medicine.

[WhistleHappy]

Nothing, none? ….

ffs 

Miserable sods!

[Major Isewater]

27 minutes ago, WhistleHappy said:

Nothing, none? ….

ffs 

Miserable sods!

Leave us to wallow. 

[Major Isewater]

I don’t know if I’ve already posted this one but knowing most of us have short memories here goes ;

Two vampire bats hanging in a cave ; 

‘ I am starving not had a nibble for days , with this corona virus everyone is staying indoors . I don’t think I can go on much longer ‘ 

‘ I know, I am going out to search ‘

Ten minutes later , he comes back  , blood dripping from his mouth .

’ You jammy git , where did you get that ? ‘
 

’ Do you see that rock over there ? ‘ 

‘ No ‘ 

‘ No , neither did I ‘ 

Edited March 16, 2020 by Major Isewater

[Major Isewater]

Here’s one of my favourites.

A trucker sits down to eat his breakfast in a ‘ greasy spoon ‘ cafe when a gang of hells angels enter the establishment and start bullying him .

The gang leader steals a chip and dips it in the trucker’s egg . The guy continues eating and ignores him.

The Hell’s Angel ups the ante , taking the salt and emptying it in the poor bloke’s cafe .

Without a word he gets up , pays for his breakfast and leaves the cafe to the jeers of bikers .

The cafe owner goes over to the gang and says ‘You scared my customer off .  you shouldn’t have bullied that man ‘

’ He wasn’t a much of a man ‘ laughed the bearded gang leader .

’ He wasn’t much of a trucker either , he’s just driven over your bikes ‘ .

 

[Robbored]

Notorious and rich and gangster thinks that his accountant is ripping him off  so he decides to sack  him replace with a deaf an mute accountant as he can’t hear or talk to anyone. It all goes well for a while but eventually the gangster suspects that this new accountant is also ripping him off but he can’t talk to him so he asks his solicitor to use sign language.

Sat in the solicitors office the gangster says ‘ask him what he’s done with the money’ The mute guy replies  in sign and the solicitor says ‘ he doesn’t know what your talking about’ ‘ask him again’ and the mute guy relies with same answer....

Pissed right off the gangster pulls out his hand gun and holds against the mute guys temple.....’ now ask him ask again’

The guy replies in sign to the solicitor and says ‘a £100 grand in hold-all buried behind my brothers shed’  ‘what did he say? asks the gangster  ‘ he says that you haven’t got the guts to pull the trigger’..........

[BigTone]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ”Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

He continued, ”Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ”I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ”You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

“Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios…”

[BigTone]

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

[Major Isewater]

Tom , leaves behind his lost love and signs up for the French Foreign Legion .

He finds himself in a remote outpost in the southern Sahara.

All goes well until, being a young virile man, he starts to get the need to release his pent up sexual frustration . He asks his fellow legionnaires how they cope , 

‘ ah , we take the camel ‘ .

Tom , really isn’t that keen but it’s been a long time alone so with some intrepidation he enters into the camel’s stall, jumps on a bench behind his animal and drops his trousers before starting to give his all . Just as he gets going his comrade  walks in and discovers the liaison .

’ Tom , what the **** are you doing ? ‘ 

‘ Well you said you all ‘ take ‘ the camel ‘ 

‘We do , ... in to town ! ‘ 

[Robbored]

Can remember if I posted this one before but it’s pretty good even if it is second time around.

Gotham City, really hot day Batman and Superman are on the roof of a skyscraper crime busting but nothing is happening so Superman starts scanning the roofs below using his amazing vision and spots Wonderwoman lying on a sunbed with her feet wide apart. 

Superman nudges Batman  and points out Wonderwoman and Batman sees her and and says ‘wow! Why don’t you whizz down there are give her one?’  so Superman zooms off but is back in no time. 

’I bet she was surprised’ says Batman ‘she was,  but not surprised as the invisible man’......

[Robbored]

Tuscany, 1950s. A beautiful young woman, Maria 17 a virgin who had never been kissed was due to marry an older but wealthy man from the next village.

Mamma,  being very protective of her daughter insisted that the newly weds spend their first night together in her house and so the two newly went upstairs.......Mamma stayed in the kitchen cooking pasta....

Two mins later Maria comes running down the stairs ‘mama, mama, he has a hairy chest!  ‘ don’t worry! all Italian men have hairy chests’ Maria goes back upstairs but just a minute later she she runs down again ‘mama, mama, he has hairy legs!....Don’t  worry! all Italian men have hairy legs’ Maria goes back up stairs by which time he taken off his socks and she saw that his toes on one foot were missing. She runs back downstairs...

Mama, mama, ‘ he only has a foot and a half!’.....’ don’t worry, you just stay here and stir the pasta’......

[Major Isewater]

Privates Tompkins and Jones are arrested for being drunk and disorderly whilst on duty and the punishment is a flogging .

The CO addresses the soldiers before their public whipping .

’ Your behaviour is in acceptable for Her Majesty’s military and brought shame on the regiment . However, in view of your previous courage and records I will accord you a favour . ‘
 

’ Jones , to help with the pain you can have , whatever you want on your back , tell me ‘ 

Jones thinks for a moment and demands a thick layer of grease .

’ Tompkins , what do you want on your back soldier ‘ 

‘ Jones, Sir ‘ .

 

[Major Isewater]

A sailor arrives in Hamburg after a long stretch at sea . After an evening on the beer he finds himself in front of a brothel and fancies a bit of relief.

On entering the house of pleasure he stumbles on a Madam who asks him what his desire is . 
 

‘ I have sailed the seven seas , made love to every race of woman on the planet and really want to try something, well , different ‘

’ Ok , go to the end of the corridor and there is something ‘ different ‘ that awaits you.

The matelot eagerly follows the directions and opens the door at the end of the passage . In the room he finds an ostrich wearing stockings and suspenders.

 He ,eventually, traps the bird and gives it a jolly good seeing to .

Towards the end of his shore leave he remembers the  exotic night he had experienced and decides to revisit before going back to sea.

He asks the Madam what she has that is ‘ interesting ‘ but explains that he only has twenty euros left .

The woman takes his money and tells him to take the red door on the right . He opens the door and sees a line of men , members in hand , looking through peepholes and pleasuring themselves.

Our hero finds a free peep hole and he sees a man having sex with a donkey .

’ That is disgusting ‘ proclaims the sailor .

’That’s nothing ‘ , says his neighbour , ‘ last week there was some ***** trying to shag an ostrich ‘ .

 

[Major Isewater]

Mick Jagger and Elton John were strolling though a park when they came across a young woman with her head stuck in some railings.
Mick didn't hesitate to take advantage of the situation by un - doing his trousers and taking her from behind.
While he was pulling his trousers back up he turned to Elton and asked " Are you not having some ? " 
To which Elton replied " No way man, I'll never get my head in those railings ! "

[Major Isewater]

A journalist is sent to a laboratory where a scientist has genetically modified chickens to give them four legs.

’ So , what gave you the idea to develop four legged chickens ? ‘
 

’ Well we know that everyone likes a drumstick so we have doubled the value of each bird with this development ‘

’ That’s fantastic. Tell me  do they taste the same as normal poultry ? ‘
 

’ We don’t know , we’ve never caught one ‘ .

 

[Major Isewater]

Two Irishmen out looking for work walk past a timber yard see a sign 
‘ Tree fellers wanted ‘ 

Ah dats a shame Fergal dare’s only two of us. 

[WhistleHappy]

Cheers for the New jokes people.... they do raise a smile or two in gloomy times

 

Keep 'em coming, I'm sure they are appreciated.

[Major Isewater]

Attention danger of repeat here but at least you won’t have to scroll through the entire thread.

Dave and Linda are struggling to make ends meet , the rent is due , there’s nothing in the fridge and no petrol for the car .

Linda decides that the only way to bring in some money is to go on the game.

Very discreetly she does her make up , puts on her most seductive clothes and goes down to a well known pick up point to try and get some punters.

Later that night she creeps into the house where Dave is waiting for her. An almighty row breaks out . When all is calm the husband, out of curiosity, asks how much she had made.

’ £60 and fifty pence ‘ his wife replied .

’ Bloody hell , Linda, who the **** gave you fifty pence ? ‘ 

‘ They all did ‘ . 

[Major Isewater]

A rather pretty young teacher starts her class when Timmy bursts out laughing.

’ What’s so funny Timmy ? ‘
’ Sorry Miss , but when you leaned over the desk I saw your bra . ‘
’ Well you go home for a week and reflect on your behavior ‘ 

Turning to the blackboard, the teacher is interrupted yet again by laughter.

’ And you Simon , what’s your problem ? ‘
 

’ Sorry miss , when you reached up to write on the blackboard I saw your stocking top’ 

‘ Well you go home and stay there for a month to reflect on your bad behavior ‘ 

Flustered , the mini skirted teacher, drops her chalk and as she bends over to pick it up Joe makes for  the classroom door .

’ And just where do you think you’re going ? ‘
 

’ I’ve just seen the end of my school days ‘ .

[Port Said Red]

[Major Isewater]

[Ska Junkie]

[Major Isewater]

The first parachute jump for a group of new recruits .

Reaching 10,000 feet the sergeant explains the routine .

On the signal , you jump .

You count , one thousand and one , one thousand and two , one thousand and three . 
 

Then you pull your rip cord .

Look up to check your chute is open.

If the chute isn’t open pull your emergency rip cord .

A nervous lad calls out ‘ what if the reserve chute doesn’t open , Serge ? ‘
 

‘ Well , then you flap your bloody arms and shout Geronimo.‘ 

The door opens , and one by one the soldiers jump from the plane ;

’ one thousand and one ... ‘

When they’ve all leapt out the sergeant closes the door . 
 

He then hears a strange knocking . He can’t figure out where it’s coming from . He hears the knocking again. 
 

 Perturbed , he reopens the door to see the nervous lad flapping his arms ‘ What was that Indian fella’s name , Sarge ? ‘ 

[Jerseybean]

On 22/03/2020 at 10:42, Major Isewater said:

[Major Isewater]

Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick are following  a bad guy  when suddenly the master detective jumps into a bright yellow doorway and apprehends the criminal  .

’ How did you know he was hiding behind that door, Holmes ‘ 

‘ It was a lemon entry dear Watson ‘ . 
 

 

[Red-Robbo]

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