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Written jokes thread


Jay

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A local journalist hears a story of a pig that can do Maths .

He calls the farmer and arranges to come and see the beast.

On arriving at the farm he is greeted by the proud owner who takes him directly to the sty to show off the pig’s prowess.

So 2 + 2 ? 
 

The pig taps his trotter four times on the ground.

3 - 1 ?

The pig taps his trotter twice on the ground .

The questions continue a little until the journalist has seen enough to be convinced.

Excitedly he returns to his office with the Scoop . Being the ambitious type he contacts the editor of a big daily newspaper who demands proof before buying the story so a new appointment is made with the farmer to show the pig to the editor from Fleet St . 
 

The two journalists arrive at the farm and once again the farmer accompanies the scribes to the sty .

Before the spectacle starts the men notice that the pig is missing a leg .

’ My god , whatever happened to his leg ‘ they demanded.

’ Oh , with a pig this intelligent you don’t eat him all at once ‘ replied the farmer . 
 

:farmer:

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A man takes his dog to the cinema. They sit there together, watching the movie and the dog is absolutely loving it. He's crying at the sad parts. Laughing at the funny bits. After the movie, they're leaving the theatre and a movie-goer comes up to them and says "Hey man, I just saw you and your dog in there, watching the film. It was amazing". He said, pointing to the dog "He looked like he was absolutely loving it! He was crying at the sad parts, laughing at the funny bits..." The man replies "Yeah I know, it's crazy... because he hated the book".

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A couple of years ago.. I was about to propose to my girlfriend.. When her friend Joseph barged in out of nowhere, tripped & fell over, breaking a glass table with his face..

Now.. I didn't know Joseph THAT well.. Don't even remember where he was from.. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye..

He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months.. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend Apparently..

They'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together..

Left me behind without so much as a note..

I tried to track them down, but never could.. In conclusion..

If it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe..

I'd have been married a long time ago..

Where did you come from?

Where did you go?

Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

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12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio 

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator – 
 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – 
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – 
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – 
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator – 
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' 
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

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Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Audi

Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi

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In hospital the surgeon approaches the patient’s bed ,
«  Mr Jones , I have some good and some bad news , which do you want first ? « 

«  Well give me the bad news first then perhaps the good news will compensate « 

«  Well the bad news is that we had to amputate both your legs « 

Feeling below his waist Mr Jones ,starts to sob at his loss . Then recomposing himself he asks , 
«  So what is the good news ? «  

«  The bloke in the next bed wants to buy your slippers «

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The same surgeon as earlier but a different patient.
«  Mr Smith , I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first ? «  

«  Oh no , I’ll take the bad news first « 

«  Well , we are deeply sorry but we amputated the wrong leg « 

«  My God ...
and what is the good news ? «  

«  Well ,your other leg got better «

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A lady took her dog to the vets as it was deaf.

The vet found the dogs ears were blocked with hair. The vet cleared the blockage and gave the lady some advice.

'To stop this happening again get some Vair hair remover.

The lady heads to the store to buy some Vair and reaches the till.

Cashier: If you're using this under your arms, don't use any deodorant for a few days.

Lady: It's not for my arms.

Cashier: If you're using it on your legs, don't wear anything right on your legs for a few days.

Lady: It's not for my legs, it's for my schnauzer.

Cashier: Don't ride a bike for a week.

 

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This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never, ever give up. Many years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss England 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged out in a fight outside a KFC takeaway. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But she NEVER stopped believing and then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Scotland 2020

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at a casino in Australia.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet $25,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said “I hope you don’t mind but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled “Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she yelled “YES! YES!, I WON! I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked “What did she roll?” The other answered “I don’t know, I thought you were watching”

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before.

This is Air Force One"

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A dense crowd gather on Mount Calvary as Jesus is hung on the cross .

Near the back Peter hears his Lord calling, 

‘ Peter , Peter ‘

He pushes past the Roman guard who slashes at the disciple with his sword and cuts off an arm.

Still he hears the call,

’ Peter, Peter , ‘

Determined Peter struggles to advance when another guard strikes him taking off his other arm.

Unperturbed , the loyal servant, continues on his way .

’ Peter, Peter ‘ 

‘ I hear you Lord ‘

Seeing Jesus closer still , Peter is encouraged , when suddenly, another guard strikes him cutting off his leg .

’ Peter, Peter ‘ , the voice sounds ,

’ I am coming Lord ‘ 

With all his strength he makes a last push to the summit where another guard cuts off his other leg .

Exhausted the man falls to the ground at the foot of the cross.

’ Peter , Peter ‘ 

‘ I am here my Lord , what is it ? ‘
 

’ I can see your house from here ‘ . 

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A couple of cowboys  in Arizona stumble on an old Indian lying on the road and listening with his ear to the ground.

’ Have you seen the stage coach ? ‘
 

’ There was a red stage with four white horses and two Mexicans holding the reins . On the roof were four green trunks ‘ 

Impressed  by the ancients skill they asked 

‘ How do you know all this ? ‘
 

’ The bugger’s just run over me ‘ . 

 

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New recruits are seated to have their first lesson in desert survival.

The Sargent gives  them a situation ,

‘ So you are in the desert after escaping from the enemy and you stumble across a wreck of a car , how can you use this find to help you survive ? ,

Private Johnson ?

‘ Well , I would take out the radiator and evaporate the liquid to drink clean water ‘

‘ Excellent, Johnson ‘

‘ You , Baker ? ‘ 

‘ Well , sarge , I would strip off the material from the seats and make a shade from the sun ‘

‘ Good , well done ‘

‘ and you Clarke ? ‘

‘ I would take off the driver’s door ‘

‘ OK , and why ? ‘

‘ Well Sir if it got hot I could wind down the window ‘ .

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