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Jay

Big Tone's 'Joke of the Day' thread

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A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an 
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the 
mother's labour pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in 
favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, 
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had 
ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine & asked the doctor 
to go ahead & kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine 
to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure & was amazed at 
how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was 
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the 
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain & 
the husband continued to experience no pain. She & her husband were 
ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the Window Cleaner dead on their front 
porch!!! 

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  • Haha 3

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At a school in Horfield a primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Bristol Rovers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Rovers fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Rovers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Rovers fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Bristol City fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a City fan?"
"Because my mum is a City fan, and my dad is a City fan, so I'm a City fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a City fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "Then I'd be a Rovers fan.

  • Haha 4

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Theresa May is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Theresa in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur.......
"You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says Theresa.
Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Theresa.
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Theresa.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them....
"I'm Theresa May's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

  • Like 9

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Romanian guy goes for a job on a cruiseliner.

Any experience of work on boats the captain asks?

No says the Romanian, none whatsoever but im very very honest.

Can you work in a kitchen?

Ive never cooked in my life he says, but again im very very honest.

Captain decides to give him a start.

They are out at sea and the shiphand had given the Romanian guy the job off mopping the deck.

Anyway this big wave comes and sweeps the Romanian overboard.

 The shiphand runs to the captain.

Captain he says you know that new guy the Romanian?

 Oh the honest one said the captain?

Well hes just swam off with the mop said the chargehand.

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The Pope arrives at Kennedy Airport, New York and is met buy a chauffeur in a big limousine.

After some small  talk the Pope says to the driver that it was always a dream of his , as a youngster, to drive a limo .

After a little hesitation the holy Father asks the driver if he could take the wheel.

Well it’s highly irregular your holiness but how can I refuse you ? 

The driver gets in the back , the Pope shoots off at a hundred miles an hour only to be stopped by an officer of the law a little further down the road. 

On dropping down the window the cop recognises the driver and calls into his Sergeant at the station .

’ Sir , I have a bit of a problem. I’ve just stopped someone famous and powerful for speeding, what do I do ? ‘ 

‘ Oh , I see , a bit delicate, Is it the Mayor ?

’No Sir , more important.’ 

‘ More important than the mayor , is he a Senator ? ‘ 

‘ He must be more important than that he’s got the ruddy Pope driving him ‘ .

 

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FFS I am now in hospital. I ate what I thought was an onion but turned out to be a daffodil bulb. I should be out in spring

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Valentines Day Treat!

 

Being a romantic I thought I would treat the wife tonigh . I booked a table at the local for 8.00 pm.

Now she tells me she doesn’t play pool !!!

🍾🥂🎱🎱🎱🎱🎱

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My son came home from school yesterday with a sofa and a armchair.

Well the hell did you get that i asked?

Oh some guy gave me them he said.

With that i slapped him around the head and said what have i told you about taking suites from strangers....

  • Like 1

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Mr Whippy was found dead in his ice cream van.

He had nuts all over his cock, raspberry drizzle over his torso and a chocolate flake sticking out of his ass.

Police say he topped himself.......

  • Haha 1

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

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A guy finds a lamp and the genie has granted him 1 wish.

I would like a million pounds says the bloke.

Oh fgs said the genie thats a dull selfish wish i wont grant that, please wish again he says.

Errr ok he says, Well to be honest he said, ive always wanted to drive my car from britain to the usa he said.

Look says the genie, do you have any ideal the cost, the disruption, the amount of men and materials it would take to build a road from here to the usa?

Ok ok says the guy this is my last wish. Can you tell me how a womens head works he asks?

Oh jesus said the genie, how many lanes did you want?

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I've rewritten a couple of childrens jokes. (real punchline in brackets).
What ya call a donkey with 3 legs? (Wonky) GLUE! no no, what'll happen is that you'll take a picture on your camera phone and then you'll melt that f%$%£r down.

Whats brown and sticky? (A stick) no no no no no...... ANAL!

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I have made it my life's goal to win the lottery and create a gymnasium specifically for disc jockeys. It's going to be called No Stern Untoned.

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Not mine but recycled -

“It is with great regret that we need to announce the cancellation of the upcoming Devon and Cornwall Music festival “

It appears that the organisers couldn’t decide who goes first - The Jam or Cream ...

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My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…

No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

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I've just ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon.

I'll let you know....

------------

A blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet saying it's got epilepsy.
 

The Vet examines the goldfish throughly and concludes the fish is fine and doesn't have epilepsy.
 

Wait, says the blonde, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet.

-----------------

I was having sex with my girlfriend last night when she said, "God I feel dirty tonight, If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse."
With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down.

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The creator of 'knock knock' jokes has finally been admitted into the hall of fame and awarded a Nobell prize. 

 

 

What's Red and smells like blue paint ?  

 

Edited by WhistleHappy

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On 14/10/2019 at 16:24, WhistleHappy said:

 

The creator of 'knock knock' jokes has finally been admitted into the hall of fame and awarded a Nobell prize. 

 

 

What's Red and smells like blue paint ?   

 (RED PAINT! 🙄) 🙄)

 

 

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Silently I slipped the condom over my erect penis and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the beautiful woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then, breaking the silence, I said ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please".

  • Haha 3

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I was sent the below under the heading jokes to offend everyone....

I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power!

 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."

 

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

 

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?” The boy says,“Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

 

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

 

A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” 

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