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Jay

Big Tone's 'Joke of the Day' thread

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A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an 
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the 
mother's labour pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in 
favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, 
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had 
ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine & asked the doctor 
to go ahead & kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine 
to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure & was amazed at 
how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was 
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the 
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain & 
the husband continued to experience no pain. She & her husband were 
ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the Window Cleaner dead on their front 
porch!!! 

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1

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At a school in Horfield a primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Bristol Rovers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Rovers fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Rovers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Rovers fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Bristol City fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a City fan?"
"Because my mum is a City fan, and my dad is a City fan, so I'm a City fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a City fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "Then I'd be a Rovers fan.

  • Haha 4

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Theresa May is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Theresa in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur.......
"You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says Theresa.
Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Theresa.
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Theresa.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them....
"I'm Theresa May's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

  • Like 7

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Romanian guy goes for a job on a cruiseliner.

Any experience of work on boats the captain asks?

No says the Romanian, none whatsoever but im very very honest.

Can you work in a kitchen?

Ive never cooked in my life he says, but again im very very honest.

Captain decides to give him a start.

They are out at sea and the shiphand had given the Romanian guy the job off mopping the deck.

Anyway this big wave comes and sweeps the Romanian overboard.

 The shiphand runs to the captain.

Captain he says you know that new guy the Romanian?

 Oh the honest one said the captain?

Well hes just swam off with the mop said the chargehand.

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Parents, be warned!

Hundreds of kids have been sent to mime school over the last couple of years 

 

and nothing has been heard from them since. 

  • Haha 1

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The Pope arrives at Kennedy Airport, New York and is met buy a chauffeur in a big limousine.

After some small  talk the Pope says to the driver that it was always a dream of his , as a youngster, to drive a limo .

After a little hesitation the holy Father asks the driver if he could take the wheel.

Well it’s highly irregular your holiness but how can I refuse you ? 

The driver gets in the back , the Pope shoots off at a hundred miles an hour only to be stopped by an officer of the law a little further down the road. 

On dropping down the window the cop recognises the driver and calls into his Sergeant at the station .

’ Sir , I have a bit of a problem. I’ve just stopped someone famous and powerful for speeding, what do I do ? ‘ 

‘ Oh , I see , a bit delicate, Is it the Mayor ?

’No Sir , more important.’ 

‘ More important than the mayor , is he a Senator ? ‘ 

‘ He must be more important than that he’s got the ruddy Pope driving him ‘ .

 

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FFS I am now in hospital. I ate what I thought was an onion but turned out to be a daffodil bulb. I should be out in spring

  • Haha 1

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Valentines Day Treat!

 

Being a romantic I thought I would treat the wife tonigh . I booked a table at the local for 8.00 pm.

Now she tells me she doesn’t play pool !!!

🍾🥂🎱🎱🎱🎱🎱

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My son came home from school yesterday with a sofa and a armchair.

Well the hell did you get that i asked?

Oh some guy gave me them he said.

With that i slapped him around the head and said what have i told you about taking suites from strangers....

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Mr Whippy was found dead in his ice cream van.

He had nuts all over his cock, raspberry drizzle over his torso and a chocolate flake sticking out of his ass.

Police say he topped himself.......

  • Haha 1

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