Jump to content

WRITTEN Jokes Thread


Recommended Posts

Although often accused of being the reincarnation of Tommy Cooper, this false yet understandable accusation is often accredited to BigTone59 due to his 'select' jokes.

Anyway, after a little persuasion, Tony has agreed to grace us all with a daily joke from his archives.

Enjoy.

Over to you Tone.......

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, to start heres a treat of a few gems:

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said," You've got collara."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a

diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat

this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have

lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost

Nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my

instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I

were going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the Doctor

"No, from ' skippin' replied the Irishman !!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Police have found a local ice cream man dead in the back of his van. He was covered in nuts, sauce and sprinkle. Police think that he topped himself!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?

A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?

A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?

A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?

A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?

A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a chav in a suit

A. "Will the defendant please rise"

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so

ever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to

hit him?

A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?

A. What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?

A. Thay have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight

of stairs.

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?

A. The policeman!

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?

A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?

A. A start.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?

A. Because a nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?

A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?

A. Bigmac please.

Link to post
Share on other sites

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world right now, it is

worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost

went unnoticed a few weeks ago. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", peacefully passed away at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his right leg in. And then the trouble started.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the

peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers,

'We just love the chocolate around them.............

Link to post
Share on other sites
Tone are you doing these jokes retrospectively? Only the title does say joke of the "day" We're only on day one and already weve had over 20.

Oh no, does that mean we now have to go 20 days without a joke then!

Link to post
Share on other sites

How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Tone are you doing these jokes retrospectively? Only the title does say joke of the "day" We're only on day one and already weve had over 20.

Sorry, the excitement of the occasion got the better of me. Consider the last 20 a treat !!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Last one for today:

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.

I said "I careered off the road"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Last week was my birthday

and I didn't feel very well

waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast

hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!",

and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

she barely said good morning,

let alone

" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well,

that's marriage for you,

but the kids....

They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast

and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low

and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,

my secretary Jane said,

"Good Morning Boss,

and by the way

Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better

that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,

when Jane knocked on my door

and said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day.

Let's go !"

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go

where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro

with a private table.

We had two martinis each

and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,

Jane said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We ?"

I responded,

"I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?"

She said,

"Let's drop by my apartment,

it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,

Jane turned to me and said,

" Boss, if you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.

I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,

after a couple of minutes,

she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed

by my wife,

my kids,

and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,

all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy ?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy , I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as we tell

me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley ?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly ?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon ?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan ?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it JOANNE CASSIDY, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy

Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You

cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the

doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see

what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"

asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood

transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...