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Written jokes thread


Jay

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There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a wooden telephone pole. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a telephone pole."

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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Johnnie showed me his willy today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mum fainted.

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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides
to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've Lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always
been a good servant to PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with me on this.... Buy a ticket."

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Mrs hired a new cleaner. Took 7 hours to hoover the house, turns out she was a Slovac.

 

My Chinese neighbor said he has opened a crows shop,i said you mean a clothes shop, he said no, a crows shop, come in and have a rook

Edited by 1960maaan
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

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Alex Salmond rang the Queen for some advice about the possible independence.

"If we become independent could we become a Kingdom so I can be King?" He said.

"No, Mr Salmond, for I would still be Queen".

He thought for a bit then he said "what about a Principality so I can be a Prince then?".

"No, Mr Salmond, not a good idea nor a Duchy for you are not a Duke nor will I make you one".

The Queen thought and said "as you would be in charge, it's only right that Scotland is a country".

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A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"

The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"

The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

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A man and his wife take a vacation to Jerusalem, while on vacation the mans wife dies of natural causes. The funeral director tells the man his options.

"So, you can have your wife buried here for a few hundred dollars, or you can have her sent home to be buried for about 15,000 dollars." to this the man responds

"Please send her home to be buried."

the funeral director replies

"Wow! you must really care so much about her that you would give her family and friends a chance to attend her funeral, even at that cost!" to which the man replies.

"Na, i hear some guy died here 2000 years ago and came back to life. I can't take that chance."

Edited by BigTone
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I was in Paris last weekend with the missus on a romantic break. When walking down the Champs Elysees a load of cyclists came bombing down. They were swerving in and out of traffic shouting obscenities. We got called "puff, paedo!, *******! F**kmonkey, s**t arse, knob jockey, piss flaps, ****er and more

Turns out it was the Tourette's de France.

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Who says men never remember anything?

A man and wife were out Christmas shopping, as they arrive at the checkout she realises he's no where to be seen. In the end she decides to call his mobile to see what's going on.

"Well love, you know that jewellers we were in 6 years ago and that necklace you so wanted. How we couldn't afford it then but I promised that one day I would get it for you". The girl's eyes start to water as she wells up with emotion. "Well, I'm sat in the pub right next door to that".

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Tsk Tone - I come looking for new jokes and the heat of your new abode has drained your well of comedy; nothing for five days.

Sorry old chap but have been working on a new Military base and internet etc is all banned. Back in my normal office as of today and normal service will resume

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Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am

doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

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I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis......

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

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A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

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I still miss my ex wife... My aim IS getting better though.

 

 

I was thinking about committing suicide so I called a suicide hotline. They redirected me to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was thinking about committing suicide. They asked me if I could drive a truck for them.

Edited by pol_bishop25
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A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

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