Big C Posted March 29, 2016 Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 ' Did you hear about that American Actress who got stabbed, Reese whatshername' 'Witherspoon' Say his mate 'No with a knife' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 I swallowed some Scrabble tiles and then I sh!t ‘MYSELF’ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 The kids were upset tonight because I put ginger in their curry …………………. they loved that cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 My grandson just asked “What’s your favourite telly tubby” I said “It must be the Samsung JS9000 65″ curved SUHD … and don’t be cheeky. It’s water retention.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 my wife is insisting i hand in my notice at work as she think’s it’s cruel that we’ve started testing our new products on rabbits She has a point i suppose I work in a hammer factory 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 I’m regretting my decision to write my autobiography without using punctuation. It’s like a life sentence. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 The doctor asked how I felt. I said “I feel like an internal combustion engine.” He said “Your heading for a breakdown” “Don’t get me started!” I replied. “Other than that” he said “I can’t find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink.” “Don’t worry Doctor,” I said “I’ll come back when you’re sober.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 I’ve been trying to buy a suitcase with a false bottom but the shops I’ve tried won’t let me in until I take it off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Dolly and I have taken up rowing to try to rekindle things between us but her mother keeps sticking her oar in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Because of a typo I inadvertently downloaded a colander app to my phone. By heck it doesn’t half drain the battery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Dolly wants us to split because of my Celebrity Big Brother obsession. Who goes? You decide! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Lost the wife to quicksand. Took a while to sink in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Dolly has never had a good word to say about my bird impersonations but when she criticised my flamingo I had to put my foot down. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Dolly said she would like the lounge to be more classy. So I bought her a desk, a blackboard and an overhead projector. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 “Microsoft support, what is the nature of the problem?” “Eggshell” “Eggshell?” “Yesh” “Ah hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 A woman and baby are in the examination room awaiting the arrival of the doctor to carry out the baby’s first exam. Eventually he arrived and carried out a thorough examination on the baby before announcing “This baby is underweight” “Is he breast or bottle fed?” he asked. “Breast” “Well strip to the waist” he said, which she duly did. He pinched her nipples, prodded pressed and kneaded both breasts in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed he said “No wonder the baby is underweight. You have no milk.” “I know” she replied “I’m his granny, but I’m glad I came.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Dolly reckons my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control. I wonder how much dirty money the Russian government paid her to say that? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cityexile Posted April 1, 2016 Report Share Posted April 1, 2016 Have to say I am really impressed by Viagra eye drops. Wont improve your sex life but really makes you look hard. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 2, 2016 Report Share Posted April 2, 2016 I covered myself in goose fat to cross the English. Now I’m banned from P&O Ferries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedYoshi Posted April 2, 2016 Report Share Posted April 2, 2016 The past, present, and future went into a pub. It was tense. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted April 15, 2016 Admin Report Share Posted April 15, 2016 A naked man arrives at a fancy dress party with a girl on his back 'I'm a turtle' he says 'Oh.... , so who is that on your back? ' 'that's Michelle' he replies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calculus Posted April 16, 2016 Report Share Posted April 16, 2016 (edited) All is apparently not well with the long standing show biz marriage of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. So bad have things got that Mickey has, according to reports, visited a top LA divorce attorney. After Mickey had told his side of the story the lawyer give his opinion: "I'm sorry Mr Mouse, you simply cannot divorce your wife Minnie simply because you say she has buck teeth". An angry Mickey replied: "I didn't say she had buck teeth, I said she's f'ing Goofy." Edited April 16, 2016 by Calculus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cityexile Posted April 17, 2016 Report Share Posted April 17, 2016 On 1 April 2016 at 14:17, BigTone said: “Microsoft support, what is the nature of the problem?” “Eggshell” “Eggshell?” “Yesh” “Ah hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?” I farted recently in an Apple store. Everyone got really upset at me. Hardly my fault they did not have windows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heroMan Posted April 20, 2016 Report Share Posted April 20, 2016 The past, present, and future went into a pub. It was tense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted April 20, 2016 Report Share Posted April 20, 2016 1 hour ago, heroMan said: The past, present,tfuture went into a pub. I t was tense. ...it was even worse when they went camping, ..tense - in tents ..... an extremely intense situation which wasnt the intent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted April 20, 2016 Report Share Posted April 20, 2016 2 hours ago, WhistleHappy said: ...it was even worse when they went camping, ..tense - in tents ..... an extremely intense situation which wasnt the intent As long as they weren't loitering Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted April 20, 2016 Report Share Posted April 20, 2016 6 hours ago, Aizoon said: As long as they weren't loitering ...rest assured all their rubbish was deposited in the bins provided. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spoons Posted June 2, 2016 Report Share Posted June 2, 2016 How do you make a snooker table laugh??.... Tickle it's balls! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cityexile Posted June 2, 2016 Report Share Posted June 2, 2016 Three mods walk in to a pub. [removed] 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 I spent some time at my wife’s grave today. Bless her. She thinks I’m digging a pond. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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