BigTone Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 So I said to Dolly, “last night was fantastic, probably the best ever, but be honest with me were you faking it.?” She said “No No I really was asleep”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 More bad economic news. Pedigree Chum has gone bust & they have called in the retrievers! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink. He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’ Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’ Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your ****ing plane!!’ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BS4 on Tour... Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 (edited) I've got a new job collecting litter - they didn't give me any training, I just picked it up as I went along... Edited July 24, 2016 by BS4 on Tour... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 Two ants walking on a sachet of cereals when one breaks into a sprint . " Hey , what's the rush ? " the running ant replies " It said " tear along the dotted Line " ". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redcityman Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 Last night for tea I had alphabet spaghetti on toast, wish i never bothered, got up this morning and had a terrible vowel movement. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 Judge : you've been charged with having sex with dogs , how low can you get ? Oh , a Daschund your Honour . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Local celebrity and owner of the South's oldest nudist camp annonced today that she's selling up to concentrate on rearing exotic birds . A regular guest said ' I bet she's seen a Cockatoo '. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tall King Blox Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 I went into the butchers this morning for some mince, he said lean, I said why 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 I rang the dentist to ask for his prices for fillings . At 200 pounds you have à pain less operation with oxygen. 100 pounds you have an injection which is a bit uncomfortable and at 50 pounds you can have treatment without painrelief but the operation lasts longer and is painful with the aftereffects which last for two weeks . I told him I'd take the 50 pounds option . " You are a brave man " " Oh , it's not for me it's for my Mother in Law ". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spoons Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 Just went to tesco , swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas . Can't believe the currant exchange rate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PHILINFRANCE Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 1 hour ago, BigTone said: After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room with no tea. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, he shouts up to his son and demands that he come down immediately to the kitchen. The father asks him what happened at school, and the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher", whereupon the father reaches in to a cupboard and takes out a huge frying pan. 'No, Don't hit him!' screams the mother. 'I'm not going to hit him' , says the father, 'I'm going to fry him a steak - you can't expect him to be screwing his teacher on an empty stomach!' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redcityman Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 After another hard day at work I came home to find the wife naked and sat with her backside in the fridge. I asked what in hell was she was doing, she replied " well it's been such a sweltering day i thought you would like something nice and cool to slip into". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 2, 2016 Report Share Posted August 2, 2016 Dolly went mental at me for not opening the car door for her! I just panicked and swam to the surface. That’s the last time I let her drive! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 5, 2016 Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk. "If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone. So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the ******* pots!" 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 5, 2016 Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 5, 2016 Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?""No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cityexile Posted August 5, 2016 Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted August 8, 2016 Admin Report Share Posted August 8, 2016 A woman weightlifter goes to the doctors. "I've been taking steroids, and now I've grown a cock!" "Anabolic?" asks the doctor "No, just a cock' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abingdon_Red Posted August 9, 2016 Report Share Posted August 9, 2016 Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello from the other side'. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted August 12, 2016 Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 I caught two youths in middle of stealing my car from the shopping centre car park . They sped off but I'm sure the Police will catch them as I noted down the number plate on my i-phone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 16, 2016 Report Share Posted August 16, 2016 A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”. The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 16, 2016 Report Share Posted August 16, 2016 A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "The end of the world is nigh!!" I think it was Farmer Geddon 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erithacus Posted August 28, 2016 Report Share Posted August 28, 2016 I decided to change my career and became a lion impersonator. No, it's been a good decision - I'm doing a roaring business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 29, 2016 Report Share Posted August 29, 2016 My son has just arrived at the door with a couch and two chairs he got from a guy in the pub. I’ve told him a million times not to accept suites from strangers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted September 4, 2016 Report Share Posted September 4, 2016 Husband to wife " why don't you ever Call my name out when you're having an orgasm ? " wife " I do but you're never there " 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted September 5, 2016 Report Share Posted September 5, 2016 I've just handed in my notice as an engineer at Schindler's Lifts , too many ups and downs . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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