Oh Louie louie Posted April 8, 2019 Report Share Posted April 8, 2019 Was in a bar last night and i said to this lady i think i could pass for arnold schwarzeneggers twin. Ha she said you are short, bald, fat and dont work out she said hardly. Yes i said danny devito Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 11, 2019 Report Share Posted May 11, 2019 A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 11, 2019 Report Share Posted May 11, 2019 A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrBibs Posted May 19, 2019 Report Share Posted May 19, 2019 I recently came into some money..... I’d ran out of tissues Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oh Louie louie Posted May 27, 2019 Report Share Posted May 27, 2019 Just saw arnold schwarzenegger up north street i said is christmas your favourite christian festival? No he said ithastobeeaster baby he said. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted June 1, 2019 Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 Outside the YMCA today and I saw a teenage lad stroking some feathers. I said, Young man, there's no need to feel down..... 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oh Louie louie Posted June 4, 2019 Report Share Posted June 4, 2019 A guy finds a lamp and the genie has granted him 1 wish. I would like a million pounds says the bloke. Oh fgs said the genie thats a dull selfish wish i wont grant that, please wish again he says. Errr ok he says, Well to be honest he said, ive always wanted to drive my car from britain to the usa he said. Look says the genie, do you have any ideal the cost, the disruption, the amount of men and materials it would take to build a road from here to the usa? Ok ok says the guy this is my last wish. Can you tell me how a womens head works he asks? Oh jesus said the genie, how many lanes did you want? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted June 4, 2019 Report Share Posted June 4, 2019 How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 7, 2019 Report Share Posted June 7, 2019 As a cinéma projectionist, I’ve just quit after ten years without a single holiday . It had become a reel obsession. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oh Louie louie Posted June 22, 2019 Report Share Posted June 22, 2019 Just got back from watching the bermuda national orchestra. It was great till the guy playing the triangle disapeared, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazyInWeston Posted June 28, 2019 Report Share Posted June 28, 2019 I've rewritten a couple of childrens jokes. (real punchline in brackets). What ya call a donkey with 3 legs? (Wonky) GLUE! no no, what'll happen is that you'll take a picture on your camera phone and then you'll melt that f%$%£r down. Whats brown and sticky? (A stick) no no no no no...... ANAL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sephjnr Posted July 1, 2019 Report Share Posted July 1, 2019 I have made it my life's goal to win the lottery and create a gymnasium specifically for disc jockeys. It's going to be called No Stern Untoned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reddevon Posted July 17, 2019 Report Share Posted July 17, 2019 Not mine but recycled - “It is with great regret that we need to announce the cancellation of the upcoming Devon and Cornwall Music festival “ It appears that the organisers couldn’t decide who goes first - The Jam or Cream ... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 18, 2019 Report Share Posted August 18, 2019 An insect's just flown in our lounge and exploded....we think it's a Jehaddy Longlegs 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 18, 2019 Report Share Posted August 18, 2019 My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink… No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
italian dave Posted August 19, 2019 Report Share Posted August 19, 2019 Donald Trump walks into a bar with a toad on his head. 'What's happened here?' asks the barman. 'You tell me', said the toad, "last week it was just a wart on my arse'. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted August 31, 2019 Report Share Posted August 31, 2019 My mate who has a stutter was telling me about his Nana. By the time he was finished we were all signing Hey Jude 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oh Louie louie Posted September 27, 2019 Report Share Posted September 27, 2019 My friend has collected beatles singles for 35 years. I think he needs help.... I have a belt handmade with herbs from the amazon rain forest, im looking for 100 pounds, ono. No thyme wasters please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oh Louie louie Posted September 28, 2019 Report Share Posted September 28, 2019 This guy has just accused me of acting like a flamingo. I got rather nasty with him. Infact i put my foot down. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted September 28, 2019 Report Share Posted September 28, 2019 My daughter came up to me the other day and started drawing on my upper arm with some wax type pencils. I think she was looking for a shoulder to crayon. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PHILINFRANCE Posted October 3, 2019 Report Share Posted October 3, 2019 I've just ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon. I'll let you know.... ------------ A blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet saying it's got epilepsy. The Vet examines the goldfish throughly and concludes the fish is fine and doesn't have epilepsy. Wait, says the blonde, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet. ----------------- I was having sex with my girlfriend last night when she said, "God I feel dirty tonight, If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse." With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oh Louie louie Posted October 8, 2019 Report Share Posted October 8, 2019 Egg and chicken in bed. Egg lights a cig and says, well that answers that age old question! A coachload of japenese tourists got robbed down town yesterday. The good news is police have 1200 pictures of the suspect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted October 11, 2019 Report Share Posted October 11, 2019 Dyson have stopped trying to manufacture an electric car , it sucked . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted October 14, 2019 Report Share Posted October 14, 2019 (edited) The creator of 'knock knock' jokes has finally been admitted into the hall of fame and awarded a Nobell prize. What's Red and smells like blue paint ? Edited October 14, 2019 by WhistleHappy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted October 17, 2019 Report Share Posted October 17, 2019 Is it true that Towcester (in Northamptonshire) is twinned with Breville in France? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted October 19, 2019 Report Share Posted October 19, 2019 On 14/10/2019 at 16:24, WhistleHappy said: The creator of 'knock knock' jokes has finally been admitted into the hall of fame and awarded a Nobell prize. What's Red and smells like blue paint ? (RED PAINT! ) ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PHILINFRANCE Posted October 21, 2019 Report Share Posted October 21, 2019 Silently I slipped the condom over my erect penis and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the beautiful woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ... Then, breaking the silence, I said ... "Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please". 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted October 23, 2019 Admin Report Share Posted October 23, 2019 I was sent the below under the heading jokes to offend everyone.... I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power! A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually." Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!" An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?” The boy says,“Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.” Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji. A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted December 5, 2019 Report Share Posted December 5, 2019 I thought I had got a contract looking after clock towers, turns out to be a big wind up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted December 5, 2019 Report Share Posted December 5, 2019 I’ve just come back from the Vet’s . I told him that my dog seemed sad . It’s normal , he said , you got a mélancollie . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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