Jump to content
IGNORED

Written jokes thread


Jay

Recommended Posts

4 hours ago, Robbored said:

A gangster suspected that his accountant was cheating him and decided to sack him.

Being a deep thinking gangster he figured that to avoid getting ripped off again he’d employ a deaf and mute accountant who wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anything.......so he did but realised that he wouldn’t to be able to communicate with him as he didn’t know sign language and changed his solicitor to one who could use sign language 

After a few months the gangster began to suspect that the deaf and mute accountant was also fiddling him so he took him to his new solicitor to interpret 

“ask him where the money is” and the solicitor signed the question and the account replied that he had no idea what he was on about....”ask him again” - same reply...

Really pissed off by now the gangster pulled out his hand gun, held against the accounts temple and said “tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the money is I’ll blow his bloody head off”

So the solicitor signed the question and this time the accountant replied “there’s a 100 grand in a hold-all buried  in  my garden behind the shed”

‘What did he say? asked the gangster. “He says that you haven’t got the guts to pull the trigger......”

 

It was funnier the first time you told it ?.

  • Haha 1
  • Confused 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A very attractive 18 year old goes home to her father “dad, I’m pregnant to a 50 year old man”

” what”  a 50 year old man! - , I’ll break his bloody legs and break his legs off and stick them up his ass” what a bastard”

”he wants to see you dad,and he’s coming around this evening”

The 50 year guy shows up and tells the dad, “I’ll stand by her and if it’s a girl she’ll get the best private education possible, live in a beautiful house with swimming pool that I’ll buy for her

”if it’s a boy, I’ll give him the best private education possible, he’ll inherit all my wealth including my properties in Monaco and Tuscany and my businesses”

”if she has a miscarriage, I don’t what I’ll do”

” Shag her again”. says dad!

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 10/04/2021 at 15:23, Robbored said:

A very attractive 18 year old goes home to her father “dad, I’m pregnant to a 50 year old man”

” what”  a 50 year old man! - , I’ll break his bloody legs and break his legs off and stick them up his ass” what a bastard”

”he wants to see you dad,and he’s coming around this evening”

The 50 year guy shows up and tells the dad, “I’ll stand by her and if it’s a girl she’ll get the best private education possible, live in a beautiful house with swimming pool that I’ll buy for her

”if it’s a boy, I’ll give him the best private education possible, he’ll inherit all my wealth including my properties in Monaco and Tuscany and my businesses”

”if she has a miscarriage, I don’t what I’ll do”

” Shag her again”. says dad!

you keep re-telling all you like mate, my memory so bad these days i sometimes honestly cant remember what day it is

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A cowboy arrives at the Pearly Gates to be welcomed by St Peter.

Well my friend , I hear you were a bit of a hero , tell me your story before I let you into paradise.

Oh , I stumbled on a gang of bikers roughing up a pretty girl.

I turned to the biggest , meanest looking biker , kicked him in the nuts and punched him before asking who else ‘ wanted some ‘ . 
 

Wow, that was really brave . When did this happen ?

Oh about two minutes ago.

 

Edited by Major Isewater
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A supermarket  customer wearing a Liverpool shirt asks the Saturday lad for half a cabbage.

Not sure if that was possible and a bit miffed,  the lad approaches his manager and declares 

«  Some knob  wants half a cabbage « , realising that the customer was next to him he added , » and this kind gentleman wants the other half « .

A little later  the manager, impressed by the lad’s subtlety, seeks him out. 
 

‘ Well played son.’ 
 

‘ Oh, it was nothing , in any case anyone from Liverpool is either a tart or a footballer ‘

His boss, somewhat taken aback , says ,

’ My wife’s from Liverpool ‘

’ Really boss, what position does she play ? ‘ 

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 tramps (Harry, Bill and Joe) have been given a large slab cake to share by a kindly old lady. Harry looks up at Joe and says 'you don't like the ends do you Joe?' 'No', says Joe. Picking up a knife Harry cuts the cake in two saying 'Me and Bill do' 

Edited by RoystonFoote'snephew
Text corrrection
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Admin

2 WOMEN CHATTING IN HEAVEN ? ?

1st woman: Hi! I’m Vera.

2nd woman: Hi! There Vera, How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive……….. ? ?

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, after leaving the drive thru I took my sandwich out of the bag and saw THIS!! Seriously? I went back to the restaurant, went INSIDE (already fuming), asked to speak to the manager. I asked him for an explanation. The manager looked confused, so I pointed at the writing on the sandwich and demanded that he tell me why someone felt the need to write THAT on my sandwich ?. He answered, "because you ordered a BLT (bacon lettuce tomato) with cheese??” To which i replied “Oh”.

200C345F-104A-4FFB-9CE3-5110DD9CDE29.jpeg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand, and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…
Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: "works for ketchup
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A 74-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry’s. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want £400, and there's another condition.”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts £400 into her hand.

He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house.”

Our needs change as we get olde.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, 

"I'm too old for this nonsense !" 

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, 

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- 

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, 

" Have a good day, Sir "...

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A city fan, a gashead and a Swindon fan are having a sleepover but there's only two beds so the city fan says "you're my guests so I'll sleep in the shed" so off he goes. Ten minutes later he's back "there's spiders in the shed and I hate them" so the Swindon fan says I'll go. Ten minutes later he's back,"there's a rat in there and I hate them. So the gas head says "I'll go". Ten minutes later there's a knock at the door. The city fan opens the door and standing there is the spider and the rat.

  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...