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Written jokes thread


Jay

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Two shop assistants talking one says to her colleague, 

‘ I don’t know if I’ll last the day, I can hardly talk with my sore throat ‘

Her friend confided ,’ when I had a sore throat I gave my husband a blow job and afterwards it was fine. You should try it.’

The next day the two girls meet and one is singing.

’ Blimey, yesterday you had a sore throat and today you are singing , what happened ? ‘ 

‘Well, I took your advice but your husband was a bit surprised that you sent me’. 

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“Lucy in the sky with diamonds"

John Lennon was rubbish at Cluedo.


 

 

It was the inventor of the dishwasher’s funeral yesterday.

The coffin was lowered into the ground, only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

Edited by Red DNA
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James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!
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A Jersey man calls his son in Scotland.
"I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing; 30 years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?!?"
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer! I can't handle talking more about this, so you call your sister in Wales and tell her."
Frantically, the son calls his sister. She replies,
"Like hell they're getting divorced! I'll take care of this!"
The daughter calls her father and says,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. We'll both be there tomorrow!"
The Dad hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "There we go! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way!"

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I didn’t realise this was a thread in the general chat forum but I’ve been doing some stand up comedy and this one seems to go down kinda well. Hard without the stage presence but I’ll give it a go;

I suffer from some mental health issues, but I deal with it with travelling and diving etc. I’ve been all around the World, all 7 continents - seen some absolutely beautiful places and met some great people, but the one question everyone asks is which continent was your favourite? I always have to explain that I can’t narrow it down to one so it’s split between two; the Arctic and the Antarctic. People then proceed to look at me like I’m mental and ask me why? I just explain to them that I’m bi-polar.

Thats an abridged version but usually gets a laugh.

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My daughter just walked in and said 'dad, cancel my allowance, sell all my jewellery, TV, clothes, iPhone, ipad, laptop, furniture and give the money to charity.

Take my name off your will and give all of my share to my brother.

Take my keys off me, throw me out on to the street and sell the car you bought me.'

This isn't factually correct. What she actually said was 'dad,  this is Kevin, my new boyfriend, he supports Bristol rovers'.

Same thing isn't it?

 

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I heard a couple of obits about Barry Cryer and one of them mentioned that this was one of his favourite gags.

A woman is passing a pet shop and spots a beautiful parrot in the window.

She goes into the shop and asks how much for the parrot and the shopkeeper says "£5".

"That seems awfully cheap for a parrot like that" says the woman 

"Well to be honest" says the shopkeeper it's had a bit of a rough upbringing, it used to be housed in a brothel and it's language can be very blue".

The woman says she doesn't care about that and pays the £5 to take it home.

Once she gets it home the woman takes the cover off the cage and the parrot says "new gaff, very nice, very nice"

Then the womans two daughters come in and the parrot "new girls in the new gaff, very nice, very nice". 

Then the womans husband comes in and the parrot says "Hello Keith"! :)

Edited by Port Said Red
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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ......."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent...
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy." 
 

 


-- 

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For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.

****************************************

????????

Looking for a bit of advice. What's the best number of Roses to give to your Wife  for Valentine's Day?

6?
12?
24? 

Or the whole tin?

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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

 

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;...

T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

 

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread.

 

In her left hand she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

 

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

 

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

 

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

"I am a dominator!!"

 

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

 

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!

 

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

 "Step on the other one!!"

 

Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey!!

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A man is driving through a safari park and sees a monkey carrying a banana and a tin opener.

Winding down his window he shouts out, "you thick ape, you don't need a tin opener for that"

The monkey looks up and shouts back "it's for the custard D*ck head!"

Edited by Port Said Red
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