Red-Robbo Posted February 27, 2022 Report Share Posted February 27, 2022 On 25/02/2022 at 09:25, Port Said Red said: A man is driving through a safari park and sees a monkey carrying a banana and a tin opener. Winding down his window he shouts out, "you thick ape, you don't need a tin opener for that" The monkey looks up and shouts back "it's for the custard D*ck head!" Half Man Half Biscuit! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted February 28, 2022 Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 6 hours ago, Red-Robbo said: Half Man Half Biscuit! I thought I would share for those who have yet to hear the Voltoral Years. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted March 6, 2022 Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 "An older lady gets pulled over for speeding"... Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license, please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please? Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there e a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveybadger Posted March 8, 2022 Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 On 28/02/2022 at 06:31, Port Said Red said: I thought I would share for those who have yet to hear the Voltoral Years. And it’s fab! As usual. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abraham Romanovich Posted March 14, 2022 Report Share Posted March 14, 2022 My Spanish neighbour has just told me off for playing Madness songs too loudly. Miguel's mad at me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbored Posted March 14, 2022 Report Share Posted March 14, 2022 A railway worker wanted a promotion so applied for a job as a signalman. At interview he was asked what he’d do if two trains on the same track were heading towards each other…. He replied that he’d pull the junction lever to redirect one of the trains, only to be told that the level was jammed and immovable and what would he do then? He said he’d run down the track to the junction and manually change the rails only to be told that lightening had struck the junction and that too was immovable. Hmmm……he then replied that he’d go at get his uncle Earnie. “Why’s that?” “because he’s never seen a train crash…… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted April 4, 2022 Report Share Posted April 4, 2022 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted April 4, 2022 Report Share Posted April 4, 2022 My 4 year old granddaughter was visiting over the weekend and came up with one of those questions that adults dread. She came back from the bathroom and said "pops, where does Poo come from?". I thought I would treat her as a grown up and gave her a scientific answer. I said "Our poo or faeces is largely (75%) made up of water, although this differs from person to person. Vegetarians have a higher water content in their stools. Those who consume less fibre and more protein have a lower water content. Fibre has a high water-carrying ability and makes our stools more bulky, increases the frequency of bowel movements and makes the process of passing bowel motions easier. The other 25% of faeces is made up of solids, which are mainly organic (relating to living matter) materials. A small proportion of solids is made up of inorganic material such as calcium and iron phosphate as well as dried constituents of digestive juices. Around 25-54% of the organic material is made up of microbes (dead and living), such as bacteria and viruses." "That's great Pops" she said "but what about Tigger?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted April 6, 2022 Report Share Posted April 6, 2022 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted April 11, 2022 Report Share Posted April 11, 2022 It's been hard to get over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abraham Romanovich Posted May 24, 2022 Report Share Posted May 24, 2022 I went to the Doctors last week and he said I've now got to have a pacemaker, so I've a got little Kenyan bloke comes everywhere with me now. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted May 25, 2022 Report Share Posted May 25, 2022 A strange woman came running up to me in the street to tell me she doesn’t eat meat.. I’d never met herbivore. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted June 7, 2022 Report Share Posted June 7, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted June 10, 2022 Report Share Posted June 10, 2022 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted June 26, 2022 Report Share Posted June 26, 2022 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted June 27, 2022 Report Share Posted June 27, 2022 Harry Redknapp: “I signed a player once. Top player. Fantastic player. We'd done the deal, then he wanted a goal bonus. He was a striker. I said 'What do you think we're paying you 50 grand a week for, to miss them?'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1960maaan Posted June 29, 2022 Report Share Posted June 29, 2022 Good morning. I was walking past a farm that had a sign saying " Duck , Eggs". I thought "That's an unnecessary comma" Then it hit me 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted June 30, 2022 Report Share Posted June 30, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted July 21, 2022 Report Share Posted July 21, 2022 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted August 18, 2022 Admin Report Share Posted August 18, 2022 Just like to congratulate my niece on passing her A level mouth organ exam ….. well done our Monica 5 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1960maaan Posted August 22, 2022 Report Share Posted August 22, 2022 I’ve finally got a date for my colonoscopy, although she'd probably rather just go to Cineworld. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted August 26, 2022 Admin Report Share Posted August 26, 2022 Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser? He got the sack 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheshire_red Posted September 4, 2022 Report Share Posted September 4, 2022 A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked on the door. A boy about 9 years of age opened the door. “Is your dad or mum at home?” said the farmer. “No they went to town.” “How about your brother Howard, is he here?” “No he went with mum and dad.” The farmer stood there for a few minutes mumbling to himself. “I know where the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.” “Well I want to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my Suzy pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “ you’ll have to talk to my dad about that, I know he charges £500 for the bulls, and £150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slippin cider Posted September 7, 2022 Report Share Posted September 7, 2022 I threw a ball for my dog …a little extravagant, but it was his Birthday, and he looked great in his dinner jacket . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1960maaan Posted September 16, 2022 Report Share Posted September 16, 2022 I cried this morning when I passed a dead hedgehog. It was just as painful coming out as going in. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted September 18, 2022 Report Share Posted September 18, 2022 My wife has just told me she has broken her sat nav and wants £150 for a new one. ......Well she can just get lost !!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted September 22, 2022 Report Share Posted September 22, 2022 She may well have been a dedicated Vegan but she still like a sausage in cider.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted September 28, 2022 Report Share Posted September 28, 2022 Last week I bought one of those ‘invisible’ hearing aids, tiny little thing but amazing, heard things I hadn’t heard for years. The problem is I’ve put it down somewhere and can I find it….? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted October 6, 2022 Admin Report Share Posted October 6, 2022 I accidentally took my cats medication last night Don't ask meow 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted October 26, 2022 Admin Report Share Posted October 26, 2022 My ex girlfriend was obsessed with counting numbers.... I wonder what she is up to now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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