Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

An elderly couple went out to a very fancy restaurant for an evening of fine dining.

During the meal, the wife started to laugh and giggle. She leaned over to her husband's ear and whispered, "My dear, I just let out a silent fart. Should I do anything?"

He replied, "Yes. Get a new battery for your hearing aid."

[BigTone]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him,"What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow paddock. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!' "I don't remember much after that ..."

[BigTone]

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"S**t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

[BigTone]

A couple decide they have to tighten up their belts. She says, "You're spending £16 a week on 24 cans of beer, that has to stop".

A week later he says, "Hang on your spending £28 a week on make up".

She says, "Yes, but that's to make me look lovely and attractive". He says, "That's what the beer was for !! "

[BigTone]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

[BigTone]

Nelson Mandella is sitting at home reading his newspaper when there is a knock at the door

A little Chinese guy is standing there with a clipboard shouting "you sign you sign " and behind him is a truck load of brake pads - Nelson says sorry man wrong address and closes the door .

Next day theres another knock to the door and there stands the same Chinese guy shouting "you sign you sign " and behind him is a lorry load of new tyres - Nelson says look man you have the wrong address again and slams the door .

Following day another knock at the door and the Chinese guy shouting "you sign now you sign now " and a lorry full of car parts behind him - Nelson freaks out and throws him and the clipboard down the steps shouting wrong address I don't want any car parts now get lost !!!

and the little Chinese guy look up at him and says....

You no nissan main dealer ?

[BigTone]

Old Mr. Horowitz was sent to a nursing home by his family to live out his remaining years.

Every evening at dinnertime, a crazy old woman ran into his room, pulled up her skirt and shrieked "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

Old Mr. Horowitz quietly tolerated the old woman's mad behavior for weeks until one evening she scurried into his room, pulled up her skirt, cackling "SUPERPUSSY", and with a sigh he replied, "all right, all right, I'll have the soup!!"

[BigTone]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I

bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought

it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.

"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.

Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the

winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets

undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely

enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

[BigTone]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[BigTone]

The Judge asked the prostitute "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute replied wiping her tears, "When the cheque bounced!!!!"

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on

little Freddie.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your

thinking."

Then little Freddie says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The

third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the

one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Freddie replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with

the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

[BigTone]

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He

spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a

couple of pretty miserable looking policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some

really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,

what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill

here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the

reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of

a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few

really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke

a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill

wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said,

"Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again!"...

"You fancy comin' along?"

[BigTone]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.

She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Plymouth and I worked both sides of the harbour".

[BigTone]

[Guest Ron]

Knock Knock.

Who is there?

I dunnup.

I dunnup who?

Ha ha, you done a poo.

[BigTone]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast.

The guy is amazed. Everything has been SO incredible. "You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

[BigTone]

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 y ears, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.

"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch Since you got here."

[BigTone]

In the pub last night a guy offered me a 42 inch plasma telly for £50.

I asked him what was wrong with it when he was selling it so cheaply.

he said the volume control was stuck on max.

I couldn't turn that down.

[BigTone]

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, "I'll have another Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.

The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."

The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?"

"By spitting," said the leprechaun.

[BigTone]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter

was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the

world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you

to meet."

So they met and it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he

asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she

stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday

suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to

explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the

black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was

wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[BigTone]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really

beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off

duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta

slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to

himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned

towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself,

and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him, "What the ###### do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh,

Ryanair!!!

[BigTone]

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical examination. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples".

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples" she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor, "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?"

Running Doe replied, "We're called "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

[BigTone]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc advises: "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should Have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by Jesuz, I t'aut I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" the doctor said,

"No, from f*ckin' skippin'" the Irishman said..

[BigTone]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina".....

[BigTone]

Two men playing golf as they did every Friday

As they approached the 6th tee they noticed 2 ladies playing up ahead

they seemed to be taking ages ,so Peter said "as the ladies are playing so slow I will go down and tell them we are going to play through"

When he got to within 50 metres he turned round and rushed back to the tee.

His friend John asked "why didnt you tell the ladies we were going to play through "

Peter said that when he got close he noticed that 1 of the women was his Wife and the other was his Girlfriend so he came back before he was recognised.

John realising the situation could be a bit tricky offered to go and speak to the ladies instead.

He to got within 50 metres of the ladies and came running back also

Upon his return to the tee he turned to Peter and said

"Small world world isnt it

Edited April 27, 2007 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

[BigTone]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, " Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f##k or drown."