Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

[BigTone]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss

their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was

a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge

in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never

again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway

for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop

himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of

whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off

his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously

they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon

a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain Smoker and said, "You know if you

bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[BigTone]

In his early days as Prime Minister, Tony Blair started jogging near his home at Chequers.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the corner of the lane.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five Pounds!"

One day, his wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been

doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a jolly good explanation.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled

..........

............

...........

"See what a fiver gets you!!!"

[BigTone]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq.

The leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

[Eddie Hitler]

That's a

[court_bcfc]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq.

The leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

haha brilliant, i don't blame the bloke!

[North Lincs Red]

God appears to a man and says he'll have to give up fags, booze and sex if he wants to go to heaven. A week later god re-appears and asks him "How's it going?" The man replies "The fags and booze were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to get the sausages out the freezer I couldn't resist!" God replies "They don't like that sort of thing in heaven" Man replies "They don't like it at Tescos either"!!!

[BigTone]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick

the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that

the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them,

but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his

colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to

more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to

arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little

bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,

the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal

Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen

that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this

type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick

would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote

for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next

four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and

magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and

hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment

of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't

have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter

to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder

into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

[BigTone]

An English man, Scottish man & Irish man were all working on a building site.

Come lunchtime they all sat together:

The english fellow said: Not a bloody ham sandwich again I hate it when me wife gives me ham sandwhiches

The scottish man says: Look 'ere i've got bloody haggis in mine I can't stand it. I'm sure the old bat does it on purpose

The Irish man says: Oh not cheese, I don't like cheese

The next day after a bad morning the 3 men sit together once more:

The Englishman after seeing that he has got ham again gets depressed and jumps of the tower they were working on, the Scottishman and Irishman both do the same thing after seeing the contents of their sandwiches.

At the funerals the wives of the three men talk to each other:

I don't understand said the english mans wife: he loved ham

I don't know how this could of happened he loved haggis, said the scottish mans wife

The irish mans wife said: I'm absolutley baffled, he made his own sandwiches.

[BigTone]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[BigTone]

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer

John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over

to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the

2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him

where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and

knocks on the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row

of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is

the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be

another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did

you know this is the cow to be bred?"

That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains

very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,

"I guess it's to hang your trousers on."

[BigTone]

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How did the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

[BigTone]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, " Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother he's a flippin' clueless idiot". Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor," well, whats my daughter's name?"

"Denise" says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, "Wow, that's a really beautiful name,

"I guess I was wrong about my brother",she thought...."I really like Denise "

Then she asks, " Whats the boy's name?"

The doctor replies " Denephew

[BigTone]

Gordon Brown is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

Brown is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, he moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Brown turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Edited July 6, 2007 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?

MAN: He's at home.

CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.

MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?

MAN: He's at home!

CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.

CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?

MAN: Put your hand inside.

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?

MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

[BigTone]

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.

"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

[BigTone]

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep.

The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the craziest dream about getting the best handjob of my life."

The guy on the right side says, "That's incredible - I had the same dream!"

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "Wow, I had the weirdest dream!" The other two guys nod their heads in anticipation.

"I was cross-country skiing really, really fast..."

[BigTone]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

[BigTone]

An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted.

He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula

by his wife...........

'Clear off' She said, 'They're for the funeral'.

[BigTone]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

[BigTone]

Paddy and his wife in bed one night when they are woken at 1am by the

neighbours dog barking in the garden next door.

Time passes with paddy trying to hide under the pillow etc. By 4am he

has had enough.

"I'll sort this out once and for all, I am fed up of it!"

He puts his dressing gown on and goes downstairs. 5 minutes later he is

back in the bedroom.

"What have ye done, Paddy"

"Oive put the bastard in our garden, lets see how they like it"

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''

''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.

''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''

[BigTone]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk

to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million

years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[BigTone]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the

doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see

what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"

asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood

transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

.

.

.

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

[BigTone]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my ######ing shoes on."

[Henry]

Tut tut Tone, you are starting to repeat yourself.

[BigTone]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss

program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands

before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing

but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She

introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: -If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a

second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and

puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same

girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has

lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is

wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck

that reads "if you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door

after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes

him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every

muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine

happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to

discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50

pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone -

This is our most rigorous program. "Absolutely," he replies, "I

haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the

door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man

standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign

around his neck that reads :-I'm Francois. If I catch you, you're

mine..."

[BigTone]

Tut tut Tone, you are starting to repeat yourself.

Am I having another "grey moment"?

Old age must be setting in !!

[Henry]

Am I having another "grey moment"?

Old age must be setting in !!

Ah well, keep it up.