Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign,"Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen."

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."

[BigTone]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[BigTone]

An Aberdonian was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he

realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two

animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus

clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aberdonian.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until

the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,

but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful

woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed

her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their

evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus

clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and,

realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,

cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[BigTone]

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.

Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina

Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.

[North Lincs Red]

Nice one

[BigTone]

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

[court_bcfc]

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

haha good one!

[BigTone]

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

[BigTone]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

- 2 litres of low fat milk

- a carton of eggs

- 2 litres of orange juice

- a head of lettuce

- half a dozen tomatoes

- a 500g jar of coffee

- a 350g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this comment, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped him off to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?".

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly".

[BigTone]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

[BigTone]

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the beer. They've got no money to get a taxi, and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside a bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick, "get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home, and I'll stay out here and look out for the police." Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes, while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing.

Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door, and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried. "What in all hell are you doing, Mick, get a move on!" To which Mick replies,"I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy," Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You ***** idiot, Mick.

Steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

[Dinky Gems]

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the beer. They've got no money to get a taxi, and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside a bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick, "get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home, and I'll stay out here and look out for the police." Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes, while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing.

Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door, and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried. "What in all hell are you doing, Mick, get a move on!" To which Mick replies,"I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy," Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You ***** idiot, Mick.

Steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

A great way to start the day, cheers Tone xx

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old China, I wants you make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want. After all, you're the boss".

But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!" screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"..... Yep, that's right. Well..... Sort of right.......This time. I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?" Queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Yup".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Uh huh".

And you want it full of Carp?"

"Indeedy"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...

."Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[Dorset_Cider]

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old China, I wants you make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want. After all, you're the boss".

But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!" screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"..... Yep, that's right. Well..... Sort of right.......This time. I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?" Queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Yup".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Uh huh".

And you want it full of Carp?"

"Indeedy"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...

."Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

God would never say that............. that is a silly joke

[BigTone]

God would never say that............. that is a silly joke

Scraping the barrel, I know DC

[BigTone]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Walt , the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, " Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[BigTone]

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"

The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."

"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

[BigTone]

An old man goes to the doctor's and the receptionist asks him, loudly, "What seems to be the matter?" "I've got something wrong with my d###", he replies. The receptionist says "You shouldn't say things like that in front of a room full of people - look how embarrassed everyone is now". He looks round and, sure enough, the other people in the waiting room are looking a bit uncomfortable.

So he says"But you asked me what was wrong! What did you want me to say?" You should have said something like "There's something wrong with my ear" and then explained to the doctor when you saw him, said the receptionist.

The old man leaves and comes back five minutes later. "Hello again, what seems to be the matter?" says the receptionist. "There's something wrong with my ear", says the man. The receptionist has a smug smile on her face at this. "What is wrong with your ear?" she asks. "I can't piss out of it", he replies.

Edited August 10, 2007 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

A blonde leaves a note for the milkman and when he finds it he rings the bell. "You've asked for 100 pints of milk. Are you sure you want all that - maybe you meant 10?" he aks. "Yes" says the blonde, "I am quite sure".

"What are you going to do with all that milk?" he asks. "I'm going to take a bath in it to make myself more beautiful", replies the blonde. "Well, if you're quite sure - and you know it will be expensive?" The blonde says that she is sure and it will be fine.

"Do you want it pasteurised?" asks the milkman, finally. "No", replies the blonde, "just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face with my hands."

[alexrusselsboot]

"...and his name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milkcart in the west".

Edited August 10, 2007 by alexrusselsboot

[BigTone]

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America.

In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton sitting next to her.

"You see that woman standing over there with her hand on the Bible, who is becoming President of the United States ?"

Senator Clinton whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Gwynfor pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Hugh where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Gwynfor recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Hugh.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day when, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring.

The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, "Oh, this is the latest American technology in cellular phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring.

The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones, a chip in my ear and a chip in my tooth and the antenna is inserted in my spine.

Ah. The wonders of German superior know-how!"

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper shoved with a toilet roll up his rear end. "What on earth are you doing?" asks the American. The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax."

[BigTone]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken

Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises

slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around

before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and

again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before

it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,

and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

[BigTone]

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear

that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day.

One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his deathbed, "Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe, Moe."

"Who is it?" asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe -- it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can

play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."