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WRITTEN Jokes Thread


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George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "you're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, And I don't think I could do that all day long".

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day", commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton Lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go

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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p*nis is under your pillow.'

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At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the postman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

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Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle.

Well they had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise. So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.

After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do".............The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me the shovel."

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An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night,having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:

"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces

and says:"Well mate, in Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun,

shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:

"In London we have so many f*cking South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her

company at home.

She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it

wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun

to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately

spotted a large beautiful parrot.

She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.

The owner said it was £50. Delighted that such a rare looking

and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first

that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says

pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the

bird. She said she would buy it anyway.

The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.

She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it

to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,

and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought

that's not so bad.

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned

from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and

said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than

began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the

woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!

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Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school

he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT ######G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

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Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ...

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An ugly man walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the bartender.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place."

"Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... Never found the head."

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A lady walks into the vets with her german shepard, she takes a seat next to another lady who has brought in a yorkshire terrier....the 2 dogs talk as they would...

"so what are you in for ask the GS...?

"Well my mistress is so annoyed with me because I yap all day and chew up all the furniture and pee + crap everywhere whilst she is out......she is so annoyed she has told me I am going to be put down which I think means put to sleep"...?

"So what are you here for"?.....asks the Yorkie...

"Well, my mistress came home from work early one afternoon, she works in an office and got off early.....she was all hot and sweaty and she went upstairs to take a shower....

I followed her, she stripped off ready for the shower, but dropped her ear ring on the floor and then she got down on all fours to search for it....."

"And seeing her there in that position, I had to do what any dog would do...so I jumped up and had a good time with her......"

"Guess you are in to be put down also........replied the Yorkie".....??

"Nope....she has brought me in to have my nails clipped...."

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,

looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,

his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shi*t, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you,

he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,

and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,

didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of

beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

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Tones home again:

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!

It's a Miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."

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A teacher in Kingswood asks her students if they're Bristol Rovers fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.

"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"Bristol City, Miss."

"Why's that?"

"Well, my parents are both City fans, so I'm a City fan too."

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

"No Miss, that would make me a Rovers fan!"

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog." "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and Puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy, "and he turns to the man and says:

"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, And this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked UP and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

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Mario and Maria end up in the divorce court. the Judge extremely surprised at an Italian divorce.He calls on Maria, "Maria, why do you want a divorce?" Wella Judge, itsa lika dis,Mario is a verya dirtya man, he alawaysa picka hissa nose, and alaso a judge, he never a letta me on a top.

The Judge then calls Mario, "Mario the things Maria says are pretty important, so what have you got to say for yourself?"

"Well itsa lika this ajudge, when I was a little afella my poppa he say to me, now we have emigrated to a beautifula country you must maka sure that you get on with the peoples, you musta alawaysa keepa your nosa clean and never **** up."

Edited by bigtone59
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A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind

my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the

counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a

drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the

counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning

question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man

waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I

was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman

was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my

hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you

EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity

gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell,

go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel

around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each

breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts

together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How

old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his

hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how

could you tell?"

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

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