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Jay
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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late ?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch & I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch ? What's so special about it ?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now ?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers !"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

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One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

" Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy."

" Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club Card points."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better

Thank you for shopping at Tesco......... Every little helps.

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A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please",

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, " Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream..... "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

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After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his life,

An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image

Staring back at him,

"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his

Wife, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for

The fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the

Barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams

the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the

Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The guy parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the

Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a business consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."

"...Now give me back my dog."

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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

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Keep 'em coming Tone! It's like having Bob Monkhouse on the forum!

A man walks in to the doctor and says "Doctor, I seem to have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom!"

"Ah." says the Doctor, "that's just the tip of the iceburg."

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A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please." the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily. "No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it`s startin` to twitch."

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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the removal service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there."

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a dog, a shotgun, and

a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.

"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick

until he falls. When he does, the trained dog will bite the gorilla's testicles

off.

The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to

put the handcuffs on."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old

grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had

died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were

making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years

old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church

bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if

the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

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On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She'd seen many books on the subject,and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.

She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Hon, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

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As I shall be away for a few days R&R in Paris I will not be able to post my daily pearl of wisdom so have set out this weeks masterpieces below. See you all on Thursday :englandsmile4wf:

Today:

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

Monday:

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

Tuesday:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

Wednesday:

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.

Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -

"Hey, I'm just messinging with you, dude...

You don't have to do all that stuff - she's dead!"

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

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A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

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A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital. "How are you, Grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care ofyou." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.. and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

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