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WRITTEN Jokes Thread


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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

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A guy finds a lamp and the genie has granted him 1 wish.

I would like a million pounds says the bloke.

Oh fgs said the genie thats a dull selfish wish i wont grant that, please wish again he says.

Errr ok he says, Well to be honest he said, ive always wanted to drive my car from britain to the usa he said.

Look says the genie, do you have any ideal the cost, the disruption, the amount of men and materials it would take to build a road from here to the usa?

Ok ok says the guy this is my last wish. Can you tell me how a womens head works he asks?

Oh jesus said the genie, how many lanes did you want?

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I've rewritten a couple of childrens jokes. (real punchline in brackets).
What ya call a donkey with 3 legs? (Wonky) GLUE! no no, what'll happen is that you'll take a picture on your camera phone and then you'll melt that f%$%£r down.

Whats brown and sticky? (A stick) no no no no no...... ANAL!

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Not mine but recycled -

“It is with great regret that we need to announce the cancellation of the upcoming Devon and Cornwall Music festival “

It appears that the organisers couldn’t decide who goes first - The Jam or Cream ...

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I've just ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon.

I'll let you know....

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A blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet saying it's got epilepsy.
 

The Vet examines the goldfish throughly and concludes the fish is fine and doesn't have epilepsy.
 

Wait, says the blonde, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet.

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I was having sex with my girlfriend last night when she said, "God I feel dirty tonight, If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse."
With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down.

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Silently I slipped the condom over my erect penis and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the beautiful woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then, breaking the silence, I said ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please".

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I was sent the below under the heading jokes to offend everyone....

I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power!

 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."

 

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

 

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?” The boy says,“Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

 

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

 

A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” 

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