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WRITTEN Jokes Thread


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Priest and a nun traveling around Australia spreading the Christian faith when the arrived in a small town in the outback with only one hotel which had only one single room with a single bed....

They were both weary and decided to share the room. The priest took the bed and the nun took the easy chair.

After a while she says “ Im a really cold” so the priest gets her a blanket. 10 mins later she says the same thing so the priest gets her another blanket........10 mins later she says ‘ I’m still really cold,,don’t you think we could be man and wife for one night?’

’ Good idea says the priest - ‘get your own ******* blanket!’

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An old one but a good one.

Fred and Mary have this secret codeword for sex, its called Washing Machine.

One night Fred goes up to Mary and whispers in her ear 'Washing Machine'

Not tonight dear, I'm feeling quite tired says Mary.

Few hours later Mary is feeling guilty so snuggles up to Fred and says 'Washing Machine'

Too late dear says Fred, It was only a small load, so I did it by hand.

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We've all heard the funny car insurance claims havent we? (If you havent, PM me and I will paste them here in the thread.)

Well what about letters to Islington town Council?

from 'letters to the council' (allegedly) The council are their landlords.

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

Edited by CrazyInWeston
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Young fella walks into a pub and orders a triple whisky, bang down in one go.

He orders anther triple and downs in one go.

And again he orders another triple and it goes down in one.

The barman looks at him in surprise and says: "What's happened?"

Young fella says: "Just had my first BJ today"

Barman says: "Congratulations, the next one is on the house"

Young fellas says: "If that hasn't taken the taste away, nothing will"

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3 men die on Christmas eve, to get into heaven St Peter says "you must have something on you that represents Christmas" the Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "it's a candle", St Peter lets him pass, the Welsh man jingles his keys and says "they're sleigh bells", St Peter lets him pass, the Irish man pulls out a G String and bra, St Peter says "how the fuck do they represent Xmas?"... Paddy says "they're Carols.

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A prostitute opens a brothel in a small Yorkshire town and she decides to drum up business she'll do an introductory offer: she'll perform whatever act the punters want for a fiver as long as they can describe the act in three words.

Word gets around and on her opening day there are queues of blokes in dirty raincoats all around the block.

First bloke goes in, straightforward sort of punter, and she says "you know the rules, anything goes, but three words only".

The bloke thinks for a moment and says "F- me senseless". Anyway, they do the business and 20 minutes later he's coming out the house with a big smile on his face and still plenty of cash.

Second bloke in is a bit more kinky. He says "beat me up". Well, she leads him upstairs gives him a right old pasting, he gets his jollies and 15 minutes later, out he walks, bruised, but with a smile on his face. 

Third bloke is proper old school Yorkshire. "Is it reet you'll do owt fer a fiver?" he asks her warily.  "That's right, says the hooker, "But you have to describe what you want in three words".  "Paint my house," says the old Yorkshireman. 

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Zoo keeper says to my mate "The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to mate with it. Would you consider doing it for £500?"
My friend replies "I will on three conditions.
First, I'm not going to kiss it. Second, my family must never know. Third, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together"

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My wife and I had a bit of row over Xmas and I was looking for a way to get back at her. She had a really nice rack of herbs and spices given to her as present, so when she wasn't around I switched all the labels. 

She hasn't noticed yet, but her Thyme is Cumin...... 

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Just to keep you updated. I've been admitted to hospital and they are keeping me in. I've only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. I'm feeling OK. The doctor said I should be out sometime in the Spring.

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A 90 year old woman was getting married for the fourth time so local radio decided to talk to her. 

The interviewer asked her about her life and her husbands. "I'm a lifelong Elvis fan and in fact I met all my husbands at Elvis conventions" she answered. "I married my first Husband when in my 20s - he was a banker. My second, when in my 40s, was  circus ringmaster. I was in my 60s when I married the third-he was a vicar. My new husband is a funeral director" 

The interviewer is intrigued so asks why she chose  husbands with such diverse occupations. 

She answered, "well, it's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go, go, go!" 

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An unnamed Central African country decided to introduce a strict 18H00 curfew in an attempt to curtail their rising COVID figures.

As previous curfews had been widely ignored, it was decided that the security forces would adopt a 'shoot on sight' policy for people discovered outside after the start of the curfew and, as they were seeking WHO support for a vaccine, arranged for a WHO official to accompany one of their military patrols in order that they could witness how seriously the authorities were taking the crisis.

Whilst walking along a street in the downtown shopping area reminding people that the curfew was starting in 15 minutes, they saw a man hurrying past them when suddenly, without warning, a soldier shot him.

Horrified, the WHO official started to protest, arguing that not only was it outrageous to shoot the man without any warning, but that it was only 17H45 and the curfew hadn't yet started.

The soldier replied that, not only did he know the man, but he also knew where he lived and there was no way he would have been able to make it back home before the curfew started.

  

 

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Two friends both female had a ‘girls night out’

They both got very intoxicated and walking home they had to pee. They both went into the local park which in fact was the local cemetery.

After peeing they had nothing to wipe themselves with so one used her knickers and then discarded them. Theo other grabbed a wreath and used that.

Next day the two hubbies met up and one said ‘my wife came home last night without her knickers, no idea what they’ve been upto’

’nor me’ said the other hubby ‘ mine came home with a card in her arse which said “ we’ll never forget you and all the fun we had’. signed “from all the lads down the station”

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Not sure if this counts for the joke thread. It’s true. But made me laugh.

Shoe Zone store group has just replaced its Finance Director. The outgoing FD, Peter Foot, is being replaced by a new FD, Terry Boot.

Genuine, apparently. 

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On 08/03/2021 at 19:22, italian dave said:

Not sure if this counts for the joke thread. It’s true. But made me laugh.

Shoe Zone store group has just replaced its Finance Director. The outgoing FD, Peter Foot, is being replaced by a new FD, Terry Boot.

Genuine, apparently. 

There must be a additional joke about the boot being on the other foot there somewhere, a Sun headline writers dream.

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An elderly, but hardy cattleman once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
 

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6 hours ago, Port Said Red said:

There must be a additional joke about the boot being on the other foot there somewhere, a Sun headline writers dream.

A load of cobblers!

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Two blokes on a night out meet two women of dubious character and, at the end of the evening, leave with their respective 'partners', both expecting to 'take things further'.

The following day, the first bloke asks his mate how he got on and how he had enjoyed his night.

Fantastic, he replied; a real goer, beautiful breasts, firm hips and a clitoris like a gherkin.   

Wow, such a large clitoris?

No, I was talking about its taste and smell. 

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Two old guys, been friends all their lives. Went to school together, worked for the same company, married each other’s sisters. Played in the same sports team their favourite sport being cricket.

On retirement they both watched cricket and attended every match at the County Ground at Taunton.

During the lunch break they were enjoying their tea and sandwiches and one said to the other “ do use suppose that cricket is played in heaven? 

“dunno” said the other “ but whichever of us get there first comes back in a dream to let the other know”

A while later one of them passes on and a few nights later he came back in a dream to his old friend.

” I have some good news and some bad news, which one do you want first?”

” the good news first old friend”

He said, “the good news is that cricket is played up here in heaven. It’s fantastic, it never rains, the pitches are perfect and equal to batsman and bowlers”

”the bad news is - you’re opening the batting tomorrow”............

 

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8 hours ago, Robbored said:

Two old guys, been friends all their lives. Went to school together, worked for the same company, married each other’s sisters. Played in the same sports team their favourite sport being cricket.

On retirement they both watched cricket and attended every match at the County Ground at Taunton.

During the lunch break they were enjoying their tea and sandwiches and one said to the other “ do use suppose that cricket is played in heaven? 

“dunno” said the other “ but whichever of us get there first comes back in a dream to let the other know”

A while later one of them passes on and a few nights later he came back in a dream to his old friend.

” I have some good news and some bad news, which one do you want first?”

” the good news first old friend”

He said, “the good news is that cricket is played up here in heaven. It’s fantastic, it never rains, the pitches are perfect and equal to batsman and bowlers”

”the bad news is - you’re opening the batting tomorrow”............

 

Hi @Robbored,

I liked your joke as I thought it funny.

Nevertheless, I was convinced I had heard it before...so checked:

Robbored

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Two old boys Bill and Tom grew up together and played in the same team and followed cricket all over country most of their lives. Sitting at the County Ground in Taunton during the tea break Tom says to Bill  ‘do you suppose that they have cricket up in heaven?’  ‘ Dunno’ says Bill ‘but whichever one of us gets there first, they come back in a dream to let the other know’

Eventually Tom passes away and that night he visits his life long friend in a dream....’ Bill, I have some good news, and some bad news, which one would you like first’?

’ The good news first, Tom’

’ well, says Tom, ‘there is cricket up here in heaven. It’s wonderful, no rain delays, perfect temperatures’ 

‘and the bad news is that you’re opening the batting tomorrow!’

 

I do prefer the newer, revised version, though 😃.

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I’d forgotten that I posted it before..............:facepalm:

I have another about a gangster and his deaf and mute accountant but I probably posted that one before as well.

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2 minutes ago, Robbored said:

I’d forgotten that I posted it before..............:facepalm:

I have another about a gangster and his deaf and mute accountant but I probably posted that one before as well.

You may well (probably) have, but I have forgotten it - it happens to the best of us 😉, so feel free to post it again.

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A gangster suspected that his accountant was cheating him and decided to sack him.

Being a deep thinking gangster he figured that to avoid getting ripped off again he’d employ a deaf and mute accountant who wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anything.......so he did but realised that he wouldn’t to be able to communicate with him as he didn’t know sign language and changed his solicitor to one who could use sign language 

After a few months the gangster began to suspect that the deaf and mute accountant was also fiddling him so he took him to his new solicitor to interpret 

“ask him where the money is” and the solicitor signed the question and the account replied that he had no idea what he was on about....”ask him again” - same reply...

Really pissed off by now the gangster pulled out his hand gun, held against the accounts temple and said “tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the money is I’ll blow his bloody head off”

So the solicitor signed the question and this time the accountant replied “there’s a 100 grand in a hold-all buried  in  my garden behind the shed”

‘What did he say? asked the gangster. “He says that you haven’t got the guts to pull the trigger......”

 

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