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WRITTEN Jokes Thread


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Two shop assistants talking one says to her colleague, 

‘ I don’t know if I’ll last the day, I can hardly talk with my sore throat ‘

Her friend confided ,’ when I had a sore throat I gave my husband a blow job and afterwards it was fine. You should try it.’

The next day the two girls meet and one is singing.

’ Blimey, yesterday you had a sore throat and today you are singing , what happened ? ‘ 

‘Well, I took your advice but your husband was a bit surprised that you sent me’. 

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James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!
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A Jersey man calls his son in Scotland.
"I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing; 30 years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?!?"
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer! I can't handle talking more about this, so you call your sister in Wales and tell her."
Frantically, the son calls his sister. She replies,
"Like hell they're getting divorced! I'll take care of this!"
The daughter calls her father and says,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. We'll both be there tomorrow!"
The Dad hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "There we go! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way!"

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I didn’t realise this was a thread in the general chat forum but I’ve been doing some stand up comedy and this one seems to go down kinda well. Hard without the stage presence but I’ll give it a go;

I suffer from some mental health issues, but I deal with it with travelling and diving etc. I’ve been all around the World, all 7 continents - seen some absolutely beautiful places and met some great people, but the one question everyone asks is which continent was your favourite? I always have to explain that I can’t narrow it down to one so it’s split between two; the Arctic and the Antarctic. People then proceed to look at me like I’m mental and ask me why? I just explain to them that I’m bi-polar.

Thats an abridged version but usually gets a laugh.

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My daughter just walked in and said 'dad, cancel my allowance, sell all my jewellery, TV, clothes, iPhone, ipad, laptop, furniture and give the money to charity.

Take my name off your will and give all of my share to my brother.

Take my keys off me, throw me out on to the street and sell the car you bought me.'

This isn't factually correct. What she actually said was 'dad,  this is Kevin, my new boyfriend, he supports Bristol rovers'.

Same thing isn't it?


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