Big Stan Hibbert

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Me and the wife went rabbiting tonight.

We were supposed to go dogging but Chas and Dave turned up.

I work as a prison warder and a lot of the inmates are trying to convince me that every night after lights out, a man with a wooden leg, a patch over one eye and a parrot on his shoulder breaks into their cells and steals cigarettes.

I'm not believing any of it, in fact I reckon its a cons piracy theory...

I feel bad for all the suckers who've bought counterfeit tickets for next year's Olympics at such ridiculous prices.

I decided to spend my hard earned cash on a Glastonbury ticket instead.

I paid a bloke to come and do some pointing for me today.

Now I've been named 'television's laziest weatherman.'

Two sluts are doing a crossword.

"Female sexual organ?"

"Down or across?"

"Across."

"Must be 'mouth' then."

Sickipedia fan then?