Your most embarassing moment.

[Major Isewater]

I once worked for the carpet department in a big national store ( for argument's sake let's call them Debenhams ) , my department fronted the main passage by the escalator and had a little used , badly positionned door at the end of the showroom as the only other access .

I was suffering from wind oneday and very discreetly ambled away from my colleagues to the far end of the displays and let out a satisfying and rather smelly fart that had been niggling me .Just  at the same moment , a customer came  through the door that had n't been used since the reign of Queen Victoria and bathed immediately in my slipstream.

Being British, neither of us spoke of what had just happened but my client insisted on hessian backed carpet as she did n't like the smell of rubber backed .

[Alan Dicks' Barmy Army]

My mum walking into my bedroom as I was just about to finish up with my sock

[TRL]

2 minutes ago, Alan Dicks' Barmy Army said:

My mum walking into my bedroom as I was just about to finish up with my sock

could've been worse, could've been her sock

[Barry Sheene]

Going into a cafe in Limoges in France while on a motorcycle tour and ordering two cups of coffee trying to speak French but came up with

"Du cafe por favor"

I can't understand French but with all the laughter from the locals it fair to say that i cheered their day up. Very Embarrassing.

[phantom]

4 minutes ago, Barry Sheene said:

Going into a cafe in Limoges in France while on a motorcycle tour and ordering two cups of coffee trying to speak French but came up with

"Du cafe por favor"

I can't understand French but with all the laughter from the locals it fair to say that i cheered their day up. Very Embarrassing.

Shame, as it was good Spanish

[BigTone]

3 hours ago, Major Isewater said:

I once worked for the carpet department in a big national store

any excuse to get laid

[Major Isewater]

17 minutes ago, BigTone said:

any excuse to get laid

I was often shagged out .

One moment that could have been in the most embarassing moments thread was whilst measuring up a client's house she confirmed that she ' liked a deep shag ' in her bedroom.

Another time , whilst measuring a bedroom , I pushed my measure under the bed and out rolled a bright pink vibrator ! 

Madam went the same colour ! 

[Red-Robbo]

46 minutes ago, Major Isewater said:

I was often shagged out .

One moment that could have been in the most embarassing moments thread was whilst measuring up a client's house she confirmed that she ' liked a deep shag ' in her bedroom.

Another time , whilst measuring a bedroom , I pushed my measure under the bed and out rolled a bright pink vibrator ! 

Madam went the same colour ! 

Not my anecdote, but one from a friend.

Her young kid was on a school visit to the local nick, and they were being shown the cops' equipment room.

On seeing a row of old-style handcuffs hanging up, junior pipped up: "Oh mum has a pair of those in her bedroom."

The stern-faced copper kept an impassive expression, but the teacher and assistants were pissing themselves.

[elhombrecito]

On 13/09/2016 at 13:33, phantom said:

Shame, as it was good Spanish

Three out of four words ain't bad I suppose...

[WhistleHappy]

Not my absolutely  most embarrassing moment, but quite an amusing anecdote and embarrassing  in an ironically funny way at the time.....

 

Few years ago I'd gone into Broadmead for an opticians appointment, cant remember if it was for an eye test or to pick up new glasses, anyway that's nether here nor there.

So I'm wandering along from the bus stop in my usual 'town/shopping auto pilot zombie mode' theres something about that place that always seems to put me in a semi dream state.. I finally arrive at the Vision Express store, wander in and think to myself hmm, they've changed things around a bit since last time.. So the opticians receptionist approaches and begins to welcome me, (at this moment the penny in my head begins to drop, but still not quite) " how can I help you sir?" ... "Hi'' says I, ''I'm a bit early, I'm here for my 2.45pm appointment.'' and introduce myself... She looks at me slightly puzzled.. "Um, how can I help you sir'' she repeats.. '' my appointment for my glasses'' says I ...OMG the penny finally drops in my head .. like a dustbin lid clanking in my brain, I look around and instantly realise my mistake.. "Sir?'' ..'' your're in the O2 phone shop.. you want Vision Express its next door'' all said in a concerned and caring way. Before I could utter a word the kind assistant had taken me be the arm and was slowly escorting me outside and gently directing me to the opticians door... What the heck could I do but thank her very much, better I'm thinking in my scrambled embarrassed mind that the young lady thinks I'm short sighted than simply a thick dozy old git!!

I can laugh about it now (as have several friends and family since) but well that was pretty embarrassing on the personal embarrassment  scale.

 

 

[Taz]

On Friday, September 23, 2016 at 12:01, WhistleHappy said:

Not my absolutely  most embarrassing moment, but quite an amusing anecdote and embarrassing  in an ironically funny way at the time.....

 

Few years ago I'd gone into Broadmead for an opticians appointment, cant remember if it was for an eye test or to pick up new glasses, anyway that's nether here nor there.

So I'm wandering along from the bus stop in my usual 'town/shopping auto pilot zombie mode' theres something about that place that always seems to put me in a semi dream state.. I finally arrive at the Vision Express store, wander in and think to myself hmm, they've changed things around a bit since last time.. So the opticians receptionist approaches and begins to welcome me, (at this moment the penny in my head begins to drop, but still not quite) " how can I help you sir?" ... "Hi'' says I, ''I'm a bit early, I'm here for my 2.45pm appointment.'' and introduce myself... She looks at me slightly puzzled.. "Um, how can I help you sir'' she repeats.. '' my appointment for my glasses'' says I ...OMG the penny finally drops in my head .. like a dustbin lid clanking in my brain, I look around and instantly realise my mistake.. "Sir?'' ..'' your're in the O2 phone shop.. you want Vision Express its next door'' all said in a concerned and caring way. Before I could utter a word the kind assistant had taken me be the arm and was slowly escorting me outside and gently directing me to the opticians door... What the heck could I do but thank her very much, better I'm thinking in my scrambled embarrassed mind that the young lady thinks I'm short sighted than simply a thick dozy old git!!

I can laugh about it now (as have several friends and family since) but well that was pretty embarrassing on the personal embarrassment  scale.

 

 

So how were your new glasses then 

[Cotham Brow Red]

Coming back from a wee wee in the Dolman whilst a game was in progress.Running up the steps fell over nearly taking my face off on the step. Having to deal with B & C blocks giving me the "He fell over" song for about a,month afterwards.

[WhistleHappy]

2 hours ago, Taz said:

So how were your new glasses then 

Good thanks, I get 500mins unlimited texts and 1gb per month.  

 

(PS ... thanks for not saying 'You Should've Went To Specsavers' btw ... I was expecting someone to )

 

[CrazyInWeston]

Year 3, didnt know why I wouldnt get changed, the teacher forced me to get changed for P.E - I then knew why... had no underwear on... and there I was, infront of my whole class laughing at me, looking at my cock. No in those days getting changed for P.E in a classroom was considered normal. It's just as bad as those dreams you get being naked infront of the entire school, I pretty much had that happen...

[WesM]

Went to Manchester with my best mate to visit his family for a long bank holiday weekend. We stayed at a Travelodge from the Friday to the Monday. Saw a bit of mates family, but basically it was 3 nights on the lash, which always ended in the Travelodge bar for a late livener.

There was the same buxom barmaid working every night of our stay, (the poor cow!) and every night we had a good laugh and some witty banter before bedtime. For the sake of this story, we'll call her Kelly. Sunday night comes and it has been a bit of a big un on the ale, so we're in the Travelodge bar early doors, about 10pm. Kelly and a colleague are tending to our every need, the beers are flowing, we've already eaten our bodyweight in peanuts and we're having a very good, drunken, last night in Mancunia. Now I've been watching Kelly for 3 nights and I thought she was very attractive when I was sober, so after a particularly busy Sunday, I thought she was stunning. Oblivious to the fact that she worked in a hotel and had probably been propositioned more times than I'd had hot dinners about testing out their own facilities as some kind of perverted quality control session, I decided to tell my mate that I thought Kelly was a bit of a sort and ask him what he thought my chances were. (I can tell you now readers, with the benefit of being sober, they were 0/10, this woman was Champions League and I was and still am, as it was then, Vauxhall Conference). My mate, let's call him Neil, thinks this is brilliant and immediately decides he is going to play Cupid like some sort of demented Paddy McGuinness. He calls over Kelly's colleague, a burly chap who looked like a bit of a cave dweller and starts talking to him. As soon as the words started to leave Neil's mouth, I knew this was a terrible mistake and was going to end badly, he shouts to Captain Caveman....."here mate, my buddy here, (pointing at me, so that the rest of the Manchester it seems, could be in no doubt who he was referring to) thinks that your mate Kelly is well fit, what do you reckon?" Without missing a beat, Cavey snaps back....."So do I mate, that's why I married her!" He proceeds to roll up his sleeve to reveal his wife's name tattooed on his very large and by now, primed to smash my face in, bicep! Anyone who could hear was pissing themselves and those who couldn't could see that I was in serious distress. I could feel myself sliding down the bar stool, hoping a gateway to another universe was down there......it wasn't. My best mate had tucked me up. Needless to say, that was the end of that nights drinking for me.

[Robbored]

Many, many years ago before I owned a car I was travelling back from Bristol on the bus. I always liked to sit at the back. Must have been mid 70s. 

I was a young lad in those days and like many young lads I was prone to getting random boners. Obviously I was aware of the awkward bulge in my jeans but optimistic that it would disappear before I had to get off the bus. It didn't and getting off the bus past lots of middle aged women was very traumatic. I know for sure that two of them saw it...........

[Mike Hunt-Hertz]

1 hour ago, Robbored said:

Many, many years ago before I owned a car I was travelling back from Bristol on the bus. I always liked to sit at the back. Must have been mid 70s. 

I was a young lad in those days and like many young lads I was prone to getting random boners. Obviously I was aware of the awkward bulge in my jeans but optimistic that it would disappear before I had to get off the bus. It didn't and getting off the bus past lots of middle aged women was very traumatic. I know for sure that two of them saw it...........

Stand tall, stand (piss) proud.

[WhistleHappy]

2 hours ago, Robbored said:

Many, many years ago before I owned a car I was travelling back from Bristol on the bus. I always liked to sit at the back. Must have been mid 70s. 

I was a young lad in those days and like many young lads I was prone to getting random boners. Obviously I was aware of the awkward bulge in my jeans but optimistic that it would disappear before I had to get off the bus. It didn't and getting off the bus past lots of middle aged women was very traumatic. I know for sure that two of them saw it...........

 So in TV comedy show speak before you owned a car you really were a virtual 'Bus ******' ... as The Inbetweeners would say!

Funny how you grew up to insist on typing SBC when referring to our league status, ... I don't want to be too 'hard on you' but SBC really does come across as a bit  wankerish tbh in forum posts mate. 

[Son of Fred]

On 13/09/2016 at 15:05, Major Isewater said:

I was often shagged out .

One moment that could have been in the most embarassing moments thread was whilst measuring up a client's house she confirmed that she ' liked a deep shag ' in her bedroom.

Another time , whilst measuring a bedroom , I pushed my measure under the bed and out rolled a bright pink vibrator ! 

Madam went the same colour ! 

Being(I hope)the true opportunist salesman,I sincerely hope you grabbed the opportunity with both hands(so to speak)and attempted to sell her new batteries.....?

[Big Red Rich]

Forgetting the obvious.......

On a stag do in Edinburgh back in 09 and we took in a game at Murrayfield.  Having been on the lash for the day as you do we arrived in good spirits. A mate sorted me out with some chips and curry sauce and then proceded to make his way to his seat. I went for a lash and said I would meet him at our seats. I then got myself lost trying to find which block I was in and ended up in corporate hospitality. Security stopped me and asked what I was doing and could they see my ticket. Now with a pint in 1 hand and curry and chips in the other I needed to free my hand up so balanced the chips on top of the pint and rummaged around for my tickets. A split second later and the tray slid off the pint and covered a lovely luscious carpet in iluminous curry sauce in front of a crowd that had gathered to see what the he'll some pissed up Englishman was up to. I reckon that carpet stain is still there....

[RedM]

Years ago when I was at college I used to catch my bus home outside Dingles in Clifton ( now Wilko I believe) this area was always packed with people, tourists, stationary traffic etc. I saw the bus at the bus stop and started to run for it. There was a queue of people already boarding and loads of others waiting for other buses at the stop. Most of the people were facing forwards away from me as they were getting on the bus, back then smoking was allowed on the top deck so in the distance I saw young suited man turned towards me to light his cigarette. As I said I was running, the weather was raining so it was slippery. I had gathered a bit of speed and suddenly I found myself launching through the air torpedo stylee...

...yup, direct hit with my head right in his balls. He and I both ended up on the floor in a crumpled heap, along with several others in the queue because of our domino effect. What made it worse was all the people around obviously, and the fact that the bus driver announced he was full just when it was my turn to board. I then had to stand for half an hour waiting for the next bus with many of the people who had witnessed my launch whilst they waited for other buses. I should have walked to the next stop but didn't want to chance it and it was chucking it down by then!

 

[Welcome To The Jungle]

On 25/09/2016 at 10:53, Robbored said:

Many, many years ago before I owned a car I was travelling back from Bristol on the bus. I always liked to sit at the back. Must have been mid 70s. 

I was a young lad in those days and like many young lads I was prone to getting random boners. Obviously I was aware of the awkward bulge in my jeans but optimistic that it would disappear before I had to get off the bus. It didn't and getting off the bus past lots of middle aged women was very traumatic. I know for sure that two of them saw it...........

I have on occasion gone beyond my stop whilst waiting for it to be all quiet on the Western Front

[Robbored]

21 minutes ago, Welcome To The Jungle said:

I have on occasion gone beyond my stop whilst waiting for it to be all quiet on the Western Front

I did try to cover the bulge casually with my left hand and arm dangling in the right area......but as the bus slowed to stop its brakes caused me to lurch forward and with middle aged women sat opposite each other at the front there was nowhere to hide.....I'm embarressed just thinking about now..........

[WhistleHappy]

35 minutes ago, Robbored said:

I did try to cover the bulge casually with my left hand and arm dangling in the right area......but as the bus slowed to stop its brakes caused me to lurch forward and with middle aged women sat opposite each other at the front there was nowhere to hide.....I'm embarressed just thinking about now..........

(psst, could've been worse, could've happened  thirty years later in GJ's office, although I doubt it would've lasted long in there! ... now THAT would've been REALLY EMBARASSING)

.... soz,RR only typing what others will no doubt already be thinking.  

[Robbored]

4 minutes ago, WhistleHappy said:

(psst, could've been worse, could've happened  thirty years later in GJ's office, although I doubt it would've lasted long in there! ... now THAT would've been REALLY EMBARASSING)

.... soz,RR only typing what others will no doubt already be thinking.  

The last Gary Johnson would do is give anyone a boner.........no doubt he'd be glad to know that....

[Mike Hunt-Hertz]

4 hours ago, RedM said:

Years ago when I was at college I used to catch my bus home outside Dingles in Clifton ( now Wilko I believe) this area was always packed with people, tourists, stationary traffic etc. I saw the bus at the bus stop and started to run for it. There was a queue of people already boarding and loads of others waiting for other buses at the stop. Most of the people were facing forwards away from me as they were getting on the bus, back then smoking was allowed on the top deck so in the distance I saw young suited man turned towards me to light his cigarette. As I said I was running, the weather was raining so it was slippery. I had gathered a bit of speed and suddenly I found myself launching through the air torpedo stylee...

...yup, direct hit with my head right in his balls. He and I both ended up on the floor in a crumpled heap, along with several others in the queue because of our domino effect. What made it worse was all the people around obviously, and the fact that the bus driver announced he was full just when it was my turn to board. I then had to stand for half an hour waiting for the next bus with many of the people who had witnessed my launch whilst they waited for other buses. I should have walked to the next stop but didn't want to chance it and it was chucking it down by then!

 

Did you end up marrying him?

[RedM]

3 hours ago, Mike Hunt-Hertz said:

Did you end up marrying him?

No, wouldn't that have been a lovely end. Instead I was blushing like a tomato, and he was  winded with a ruined suit from landing in a puddle. Luckily he was really nice about it and soon escaped onto the waiting bus. I had a nice soft landing though, so it definitely was not @Robbored ! I hope this bloke went on to have a family if that's what he wanted!

[Mike Hunt-Hertz]

2 hours ago, RedM said:

No, wouldn't that have been a lovely end. Instead I was blushing like a tomato, and he was  winded with a ruined suit from landing in a puddle. Luckily he was really nice about it and soon escaped onto the waiting bus. I had a nice soft landing though, so it definitely was not @Robbored ! I hope this bloke went on to have a family if that's what he wanted!

Maybe he had a great career as a soprano?!

[Aizoon]

During a prolonged pub crawl on the scrumpy, I dapped into the Portcullis in Clifton, desperate for a piss. I guessed that the Gents was at the far end of the very long public bar but, about halfway down, I was confronted by a staggering drunk who seemed determined to block my passage by weaving in front of me. I was all ready to have it out with him...

 

 

 

 

 

...then I walked into the full length mirror

Worst thing was that I couldn't just dap out again. I had to ask one of the chortling regulars the whereabouts of the facilities. It was a near thing as to which of us would piss himself first...

[SARJ]

Used to work in room service at the Marriott on Old Market. Took an order up, knocked and the door and was confronted by a huge 20 stone beast in glasses sat in the dark watching some film.

"Good evening sir, here's your meal, where would you like me to place the tray?"

"I AM A WOMAN" she sharply replied.

Suffice to say the rest of the 1min I was in 'her' room was extremely frosty despite my apologies and attempts at small talk. I genuinely didn't know where to look and still cringe just thinking about it.

However, in my defense, she was ****ing massive, looked like a bloke, and was sat in the dark making it difficult to distinguish.

 

I'd like to think that my comments had a positive impact on 'her' life, maybe making her more feminine by losing weight, tidying up 'her' appearance etc. Either that or she's topped herself.