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WRITTEN Jokes Thread


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A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a

plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out

here,' says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we

had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I

survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I

was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but

they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?'asks


'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle

had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in

medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you

can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for

six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you

going to be?'

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, that"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, that'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

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Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock ' s forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it ' s all going grand," says Jock. "I ' ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I ' ve even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that ' s braw, you ' ll look pure smart in that!

"And what ' s the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I ' d imagine she ' ll be in white..."

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Paul wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Paul is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Paul had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Paul sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.

I love you, sweetheart!



He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Paul asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you

puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the

table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table: £79.99

Hot Breakfast: £4.20

Two Aspirins: £0.38

Saying the right thing at the right time - "Priceless"

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A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

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Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

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An elderly gentleman went to the local chemist and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces".

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy".

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

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Ok, to start heres a treat of a few gems:

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said," You've got collara."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

is'nt tim vine great

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A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!

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I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are talking together one day. Sleeping Beauty says she believes she is the most beautiful girl in the whole world. Tom Thumb says then he must be the worlds smallest man. Quasimodo states he surely must be the most ugly person in the whole world. They all agree amongst themselves but would like it confirmed and acknowledged by other people.

To do this, they go to the offices of the Guiness Book of Records. One by one they go to the reception desk and speak to the person there. Sleeping Beauty is first and returns to her friends smiling broadly, "It's true" she says,"I am the most beautiful girl." Tom Thumb goes next and when he returns he too is smiling and tells his friends he is indeed the smallest person ever.

Lastly it is Quasimodo's turn, but when he returns he is frowning and looking sad. Tom Thumb says, "What's the matter Quasi? Arn't you the ugliest in the land?

"No" says Quasi, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles anyway?"

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "Why the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section

of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her

nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing

of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman

sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once

more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious

about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet

again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even

more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I

couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose

and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition;

whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never

heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for


The woman nodded. "Snuff."

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Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" "Yes" the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't!"

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.' My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down.' What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*st*rds who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*st*rds who are getting on, get your arses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All the passengers, who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope to see you again very soon"

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage either in the overhead compartments or under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.

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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

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An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of

impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese

scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and

with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he

crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door

frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in

heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were

dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one

final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,

seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he

could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,

seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at

the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula

by his wife .............

"###### off... " she said, "they're for the funeral!!"

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A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the FA Cup Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.

About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows off the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1962."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

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