Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra".

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!

Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there,took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sitting' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again".

[BigTone]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the

stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go

quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and

said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask

you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same

stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat

patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose

that is?"

The stranger thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

[BigTone]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn

that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she

agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only

have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight

hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey?

Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she

rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and

turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up

abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny

..........but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.

[BigTone]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his

Tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only

Son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to

Plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging

Up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I

Know you would dig the garden for me.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's

Where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up

The entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the

Old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter

From his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do

Under the circumstances.

[Steve Watts]

A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down

the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop

for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject

has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and

then. Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European

Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can

have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European

Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones

on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the Headphones, walks

back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention.

"Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European

Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe",

and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds

with which I am familiar".

The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the

World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed

listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". Puzzled,the World renowned

expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once

again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the

counter and accosts the young fellow there.

"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert

in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds

from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with

which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct

recording?"

Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently Playing

and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses: .

"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

:coat:

[BigTone]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of This house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kinds of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[BigTone]

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

[BigTone]

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[BigTone]

A friend of mine has just realised his life long ambition to be mown down by a speeding steam locomotive. He was chuffed to bits.

[BigTone]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.

We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother! 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her

chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the

######ing putt, didn't you?"

[BigTone]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[BigTone]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[BigTone]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when

he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps

into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost

overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the

drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher

grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

"Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him

into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have

you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the

drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down

for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms

and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of

God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says

to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[BigTone]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was going to say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[BigTone]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as

he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that named the Rottweiler Jesus."

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the after-shave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr.Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

[bransonmo]

I was at an Armed forces veterans gathering recently and heard the following.

One member stood to relate that he had terminal prostate cancer and would not be with us much longer. He added that his doctor had suggested he tell his group [ 60-85 years old ] , that daily masterbation could help prevent prostate cancer.

At that point an old WW2 sailor stood up and asked " why do we have to cut back ? "

[BigTone]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "YA, YA, acre and a half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

Pole: "She going kill me

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

[BigTone]

Tony Blair today announced that he is changing our emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of ######s, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[BigTone]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[BigTone]

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

a.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air, attach bells to their ankles and dance around like nancy-boys before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

b.. The Scotland team will chant 'You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

c.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

d.. With regret, unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following strong representations from the RSPCA and the Lamb Marketing Board..

[BigTone]

A blind man walked into a pub swinging a dog around above his head by its tail.

The barman asked if he could be of any help.

"No, thanks" said the blind man, "I'm just having a look round"

[BigTone]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[BigTone]

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

[BigTone]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it."

The other man said, "What''s the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "A Carnation?"

"No. No. The other one," the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, yes that''s it," the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what''s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

[BigTone]

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

[harpernator06]

I AM NOT WORTHY

[BigTone]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[BigTone]

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.

One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''