Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening.

They heard moans and cries for help from a back alley.

Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away.

One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."

[zookeeper]

The Cardiff Zookeeper says to JGwynfor "The Gorilla's on heat and I need someone to mate with her will you do it for £500??"

There is a Cardiff Zookeeper???? Booooo!

[BigTone]

There is a Cardiff Zookeeper???? Booooo!

Is he related?

[zookeeper]

Is he related?

I don't think so. Unless it's Rhys "Tom Jones" Zookeeper.

They don't have any animals at thier zoo, unless the have converted Ninian park and locked the doors for a home game. They have a field of statues that they call a zoo (??!!) but that just ain't right.

[BigTone]

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his mobile phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

[giles_23_bcfc]

Paddy and Murphy are going through a jungle when Paddy suddenly falls over a ditch.

"Call Paddy an ambulance, call Paddy an ambulance, i'm hurt" said Paddy.

Murphy says "Paddy is an ambulance, Paddy is an ambulance!"

Edited September 25, 2007 by giles_23_bcfc

[BigTone]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let`s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[BigTone]

A woman walks into the welfare benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her

forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names" said the mother.

[giles_23_bcfc]

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:

- - silence - -

HUSBAND:

Oh sh*t !!!

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over The intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most Of us was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up The Intercom and said...

'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two a**holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"

Edited September 30, 2007 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

Angus Broom, of Glasgow,comes to the little lady of the houise exclaiming, " Maggie, could ya be sewin' on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

" Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin' ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there was a terrible crash, a bang, a lot of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. walking back in the door, with a blackend eye and a bloody nose, comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says, " My god , what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told ya?"

"Aye," says Angus. " I asked her to sew on the button, an' she did. Everyting was goin' fine, but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in...."

Off on hols tomorrow, back in a week.

Edited October 2, 2007 by bigtone59

[giles_23_bcfc]

Paul Trollope flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Bristol.

Two weeks later the Rovers are 4-0 down to Walsall with only 20 minutes left. Trollope gives the the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals and wins the match.

The fans are delighted,the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game for the club.

"Hello Mum, guess what? I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4- 0 down but i scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me , the fans, the media, they all love me. "

"Wonderful," says his Mum, " Let me tell you about my day. Your Father got shot in the street and robbed , your Sister and i were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your Brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can i say Mum, but i'm so sorry."

"Sorry ?!!!Sorry ?!!!! says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Southmead in the first place ! "

[reliant_robin]

Ok, to start heres a treat of a few gems:

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said," You've got collara."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

michael barrymore has been asked to do panto season.he says he doesnt want toas he did aladdin 6 years ago and still hasnt heard the last of it.

[BigTone]

Ernie and Dave are out ice fishing at their favourite

fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Dave says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken

to me in over 2 months."

Ernie continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better

think it over - women like that are hard to find."

[BigTone]

Police in Ireland have today said that a man has been found in a river wearing an Irish rugby shirt, women's underwear, fishnet stockings and suspenders and a basque. He also had a sex toy inserted into his anus. Police removed the Irish rugby shirt to avoid causing the family any embarrassment.

[BigTone]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

[BigTone]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the

breakfast table one morning when the wife says,"Just think, fifty years

ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a

jaybird fifty years ago."

'Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My

nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and

the other is in your oatmeal.".

[BigTone]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing

his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do

you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[BigTone]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[BigTone]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour

group and explore the city on his own. He wanders

around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a

quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the

locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice

neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs,

no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public

restrooms.

However, he really has to go, after all those

Guinness 's. He finds a narrow side street, with high

walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides

to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a

London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do

that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but

I really have to go, and I just can't find a public

restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads

the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which

he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir,

anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most

beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass

lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and

huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves

himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes

back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was

really decent of you. Is that what you call English

hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that is what we call

the French Embassy."

[BigTone]

It's some years since I left Bristol, but I've always kept up my membership at my old golf club. I went back last week and asked the steward in the clubhouse:

"Am I ok to play a round this afternoon? I'm a country member".

He replied:

"Yes, I remember".

[BigTone]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that

despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,

Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'have sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'have a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to

bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for

half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "alright chuck".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex

than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No

problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind

blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and

Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in

de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a

scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet !".

[BigTone]

On Sunday 21 October 2007 Osama Bin Laden released a video to prove he is still alive. In an unprecedented break from his usual rhetoric in arabic, he spoke for the first time in english.

In an attempt to prove he is very much alive and well he related to an event that took place in Paris the previous evening.

"England were f---ing sh-te last night" he said.

British intelligence have dismissed the tape saying it could have been recorded anytime in the last four years

Edited October 27, 2007 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

An Englishman walked into a secondhand-shop and after looking around for a while he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the counter and asked "How much for the rat"?

The owner replied "It's 12 quid for the rat but 100 quid for the story"

The man gave the owner the 12 pounds and said "That's for the rat, you can keep your story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach. As he ran he looked behind him and saw that the rats now numbered in their Millions. By now,very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly the millions of real rats jumped into the water after the statue and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the shop to relate all this to the shop owner who said "Ah, so you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze statue of George Bush, Bin Laden, a Manchester United supporter and anything Welsh?"!

[BigTone]

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. Both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch"

[BigTone]