Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

A man was walking along the street when he comes across a ladder with a sign on it and it says climb to success. Anyway he thinks what the hell and climbs up.

Part way up the ladder a trap door opens and he can see a really nice woman telling him to come in for some fun or climb to success.

He thinks, I will climb some more. So up he goes untill another trap door opens and on this bed is a even better looking woman than the last time and the sign reads come in or climb to success.

He says to himself this just gets better, so up he goes again the trap door opens and this real babe is lying on the bed saying come in and take me now or climb to success.

He thinks to himself again that this just gets better and thinks that the next one will be amazing. Anyway he gets to the next trap door and looks in and he cant see anyone so he goes in and the trap door shuts behind him and all of a sudden this big hairy biker appears and the man says to biker who are you and he replies I'm cess.

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[BigTone]

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped

and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some

questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."

[KevinC]

An Aussie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a

deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two

animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One

particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus

clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the

lonely Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm

around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until

the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,

but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and

behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful

woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed

her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he

introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful

evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for

a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those

feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk".

[BigTone]

A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

[BigTone]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either one."

[BigTone]

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[BigTone]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE ######ING PRICE"

[BigTone]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go

fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to

close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of

all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

' So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon,

so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the

third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a

young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she

tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and

her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and

shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I

have not seen any man!''

Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

[BigTone]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[BigTone]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we

started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going

to

swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he

wants

for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,

got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what

do

YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."

[BigTone]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[BigTone]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my Wife"

[BigTone]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was

sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of

the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back

entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil

incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat

calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's

ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all

eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[BigTone]

Mary had a little skirt

with splits right up the sides

and everywhere that Mary went

the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt

'twas split right up the front

...........But she didn't wear that one very often.

[BigTone]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

[BigTone]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You

foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals

I tink you would be interested in... Dey makes you wild at sex."

The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt

he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a

sexfreak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting

cept try dem on".

So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,

something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the

husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on the wrong feet!"...

[ribsbcfc]

a little girl goes 2 barbers with her dad & stands next 2 chair eating a cake while her dad gets his hair cut ,barber says "your going to get hair on your muffin"" i know" she says " i,m going to get boobs 2 you dirty old git"

[BigTone]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts." They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his dizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

[BigTone]

It was cold and flu season. The Rabbi was not happy with the constant coughing disturbing his sermons so he decided to call on old Abe to help him solve the problem.

Comes the next Saturday morning, the Rabbi gave old Abe a bowl of cough drops and instructions to give a cough drop to any congregation member who was coughing.

So following his Rabbi's orders, every time a member coughed, old Abe walked over and gave them a cough drop.

The Rabbi noticed that each time he did this, the member then stood up and left the synagogue. At the end of the service, half of the members were gone.

After services the Rabbi calls old Abe at home and asked what he said to the members that made them leave the hall.

Old Abe says, 'So vat did I say? ... All that I said wuz, The Rabbi said "for cough!''

[BigTone]

Three old boys are in a doctor's waiting room discussing their ailments. The first one says, ''I'm seventy years old, and every morning at around seven o' clock I really need to pee. I stand over the bowl for a good twenty minutes, yet I get no relief.''

The second one adds, '' I'm seventy-five years old and at eight o'clock every morning I get the urge to empty my bowels. I strain and strain for ages, but nothing ever comes of it.''

At this point the third one says, '' I'm eighty years old. And every morning at seven o'clock I piss like a horse. And then every morning at eight o'clock I s**t like a cow.''

The other two ask, 'So, what's your problem then ?''

''Well,'' he says,''I don't get up till nine.''

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this

Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. ' A bowl of soup,

homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a

juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie

chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm

still not hungry.'

Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm ######ing starving.'

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the

currency exchange window at the local bank. I stood in the short line.

Just in front of me was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for

dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change??

Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty??

Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,

'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'

[BigTone]

I ended up with an older woman at the pub on Friday night.

She looked OK for a 57-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

'Mom, you still awake?