Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That ****ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French tw*t again".

[BigTone]

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force -

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look

good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take

before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six

drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[BigTone]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'**** off, ye'll no bring it back!'

[BigTone]

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav,

minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a

sprawling council estate on Glasgow's east side) with her two kids,

yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to

ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, '**** naw, they're

nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the **** would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just

stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter. 'I just

couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.

Edited April 3, 2009 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go

along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd

learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !

[BigTone]

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no F......g bike!

[BigTone]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No not really" said Billy, "He plays Football for Bristol Rovers but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[BigTone]

Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. '######ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...'

[BigTone]

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their

wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong

bed."

The clerk winked, "You want the 'Bridal'?"

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to

it."

[BigTone]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'have you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'have 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'I'm - 'I am a French paratrooper.

I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'I'm - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

[BigTone]

As a bagpiper, Paddy was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As Paddy was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

Paddy apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place.

Paddy assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. Paddy played out his heart and soul.. As he played the workers began to weep. He played, and he played, like he'd never played before..... from Going Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . Paddy closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to his car.

As he drove away one of the workers turned saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[BigTone]

Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, and, asking Jacqueline to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[BigTone]

Jim and Bob are playing golf.

Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.

Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here."

Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

[BigTone]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark." "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added,

"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"

[ookman]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now ###### off!'

[BigTone]

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

[BigTone]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[BigTone]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but "Nescafe."

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop." Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long King Size."

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways".

Mum took out her latest Woman's magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.

The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

[Dollymarie]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

[BigTone]

A bloke goes to the doctors thinking he's going deaf.

The doctor asks "Can you describe the symptoms?"

"Yes" he says. "Homer is the fat one and Marge has the blue hair."

[BigTone]

A Polish worker goes to Specsavers for an eye test.

The Optician shows him a card with:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read that?" He says.

The Pole says ...

"Read it? I used to go to school with him"

[BigTone]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them - they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea'. He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me'.

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zip and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[BigTone]

Edited June 1, 2009 by bigtone59

[CiderHider]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table

because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything

inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;

everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.

Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the

end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all

wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no

heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving

parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

[BigTone]

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

[BigTone]

Edited June 17, 2009 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Thames near Westminster.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids, I just don't get it."

"Well, said the big croc, what have you been eating ?

"Politicians, same as you," replied the smaller croc.

"Hmm. Well, where did you catch them?"

"Down near the parking lot by Parliament."

"Same here. Hmm. How did you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their tax-payer funded expensive cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of 'em and eat 'em!"

"Aah, says the big crocodile, I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a******e and a brief case.

[BigTone]

A little boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"

His day explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".

"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?

[CiderHider]

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Alex Ferguson?

Fergie can play Giggs in August.

too early?

[BigTone]

Never too early

Michael Jackson died after tripping over a pram, doctors are not blaming it on the sunshine , not blaming it on the moonlight but are blaming it on the buggy.

and

Michael Jackson's death was due to a drug induced heart attack. They found class A in the kitchen, class B in the bathroom and class 4c in the bedroom!