Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All tests come back with

normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you

A doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor

eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to

the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes

off."

"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you

because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets

up during the night and poof!

The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The

light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims . "He's pissing in the

fridge again!! "

[BigTone]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside

the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just

get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me,

and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said,

"Well, then which one are you?"

[BigTone]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150

in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her some bathroom scales.

[BigTone]

Every blonde in the world gathered in Wales for a 'Blonde fair' to show the world that all blondes aren't dumb.To prove they are clever, one blonde lady went on stage and had to answer a maths question live on television.

"Okay," said the manager, "you have to answer this correctly to prove you are clever. What is 5 times 5?"

The blonde was worried. "Uh...58?"

"No, the answer is 25."

But the blonde crowd was angry and they shouted, "Give her another chance, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The manager agreed. "Okay then, what is 10 minus 3?"

The blonde smiled. "4 of course!"

"No, the answer is 7"

The crowd again wanted her to try again. "Give her another chance, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

"Alright," said the manager, "but this is the last chance. What is 2 plus 2?"

The blonde thought for a while then said, "uh...4?"

The manager started to congratulate her, "Well..." but he was interrupted by the crowd that were shouting.

"Give her another chance, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[BigTone]

A woman was always complaining about having small boobs until eventually her husband told her he had a great way to make them bigger.

"Just rub a piece of tissue between them once or twice a day," he said. "Tthey will start to grow almost immediately and in a few years you ll have huge boobs."

"Dont be so silly, dear," she replied. "Why one earth would tissue make my boobs bigger?"

"I have no idea why, but it certainly worked on your arse."

[BigTone]

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!"

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!...

You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

[BigTone]

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems. One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

[BigTone]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out,the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their

situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,

Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well,under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty..

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can

give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the **** out of here!'

Edited September 29, 2009 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

I met an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 53, we drank a bit, had a bit of a dance & she

asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?

[BigTone]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right"

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a liar"

[BigTone]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick any night'

[BigTone]

A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"

He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."

[BigTone]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

[BigTone]

Steve has just bought a motorbike but everytime it rains the seal leaks and he has to put Vaseline on it to stop it. He carries a jar of Vaseline with him where ever he goes.

That night he is going to his girlfriends house to meet her parents when he gets there his girlfriend is stood outside waiting for him, she tells him not to talk at the dinner table, as the first person to speak has to "do the dishes"!

When he gets inside it's just as she has described it, the pots are piled high to the ceiling and no one is saying a word. He thinks "I'm going to have bit of fun here"!!.... he grabs the mother, clears the dinner table and shags her.....when finished they both sit back down, still no one is saying a word, the girlfriend is furious and Dad is seething. Steve thinks "I'm going to have a bit more fun" he grabs his girlfriend throws her on the dinner table and shags her.....still, no one is saying a word. The mother is a little jealous, his girlfriend is much happier and Dad is livid.

All of a sudden the heavens open and it begins to pour down, Steve jumps up, pulls the Vaseline from his back pocket when Dad stands up and says......."**** that, I'll do the dishes!"

[BigTone]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night. Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd. Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum.

"Sherlock,what the hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.

Sherlock smiles and replies.

"It's a lemon entry my dear Watson".

[BigTone]

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows: 'Hello I'd

like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"

''Do you know which ward she is in?"

''Yes, ward P, room 2B"

''I'll just put you through to the nurse station".

''Hello, ward P, how can I help?"

''I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"

''I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that MrsTiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow".

''Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so

much!"

''You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?"

''No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you **** all in

here..."

[BigTone]

A boy about 13 years old walked down the street

dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up

to the doorstep of a brothel and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked

what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the

women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving

until I get it."

The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come

in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after

making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,

the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the

right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian

behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the

frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only

girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get

home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,

leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave,

my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens

to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get

the Dose that I just caught."

"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when

Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to

bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it."

"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the

milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the

b*****d who ran over my frog!"

[BigTone]

A Swede, an Irishman and a Scot are playing Golf with their wives:

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scot's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

[BigTone]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to

deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.

The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey..'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with

that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece

so overall I made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

[BigTone]

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.

It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

[BigTone]

At the Commonwealth games today the starter accidently shot one of the favourites as he fired to begin the marathon.

The papers say it was not a race related shooting.

[BigTone]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.

[BigTone]

One morning a Englishman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and marmalade) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation..

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread?'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your bread?'

Englishman: 'Of course.'

Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to England.'

After a moment of silence, the Englishman asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

[BigTone]

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic

tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't

been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and

laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping

in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep

end.. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you

leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim

naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here

to feed the alligator.'

[BigTone]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it ?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£150'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '£250'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '£400'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little shit. You're in my cupboard now.'

[BigTone]

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

[BigTone]

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne ..

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and

They decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a

Room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on

The road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a

Bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He

Tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't

Worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists

On speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the

Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were

Available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He

Goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which

The hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood

, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! The man replies, 'But we

Didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to

Pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he

Says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

[BigTone]

Have you heard about "Dyke" the new running shoe for Lesbians.

It has an extra long tongue and only takes one finger to get off.

[BigTone]

An Eskimo is out driving his car one day when all of a sudden it breaks down.

The Eskimo doesn't know much about cars so calls the Eskimo AA.

The AA man arrives, lifts the bonnet and starts to rummage around.

He then stands up and says to the Eskimo, "You've blown a seal"

"No, No" replies the Eskimo, "It's just frost on my moustache"