Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

A bloke in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank, armed with a shotgun. 'Open the safe!' he yells at the terrified girl at reception.

' But we are not a real bank' she stammers. ' We don't have any money. This is a sperm bank'.

'Don't argue - open the safe or I'll blow your head off!' screams the guy with the gun.

The terrified woman obliges. Once she's opened the safe door the guy says, 'Take out one of the bottles and drink it'

'But it's full of spunk!' the poor girl replies.

'Don't argue! Just drink it!' says the gunman. So she prises the lid off one of the bottles and gulps it down.

'Take another one and drink that too!' demands the gunman. She does as she is told.

Suddenly the man pulls off his balaclava and, to the receptionists amazement, it's her husband.

'There.' he says, 'It's not that bloody difficult, is it?'

[BigTone]

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid

eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an

hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy

cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her

incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I

taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up

close to me and sitting down.

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and

took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up

and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've

never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was

picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in

front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she

would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the

front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my

hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never

felt this good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have.. In that

game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the

match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the

field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the

first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst

through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and

scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till

full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple

kick at goal with which to win the match and... '

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit

miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the

front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and

she was wet !!!!

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt

such a perfect c** t' ?

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick..'

Edited February 18, 2010 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

A man walks into a Fishmongers with a 35lb Carp under one arm.

He walks up to the counter and asks "do you sell fish cakes?"

"We certainly do" replies the fishmonger.

"Thats good", says the man, "its his birthday"

Edited February 19, 2010 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

John and Frank are sitting beside the river fishing when they notice a Funeral procession coming over a nearby bridge.

John sees the procession and removes his hat, crosses himself and says a quick prayer.

"That was a nice gesture" says Frank

"Well", says John, "It's the least I could do considering we were married for 35 years"

[BigTone]

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .

Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that

catches his eye.

The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per

pair".

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose,

And when we get back to Ireland we could make a ******' fortune.

Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK?

Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might

not be nice to us.

I'll speak in my best English accent."

"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at

£2.00 each

And 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well... Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners

[BigTone]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no ******' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[BigTone]

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q. The manager says, "Would you like a screw for that mirror?" "No", she says, 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower."

[BigTone]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

[BigTone]

[url=http://www.totalfrance.com/france/forum/posting.php?mode=quote&p=792791] I lost my wife recently but I have to say it was the best game of cards I have ever had

Edited May 12, 2010 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

Oxo are introducing a new Blue, White and Red oxo cube to support France. It's called the laughing stock:tumbleweed:

[BigTone]

The French players visited an orphanage in South Africa this morning.

"It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people

constantly struggling and facing the impossible",

said Jamal Umboto aged 6...

[BigTone]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

[BigTone]

Michael O'Leary, the boss of Ryanair popped into a Dublin pub.

"A pint of Guiness, please", he says.

The barman says "That'll be one Euro, please."

Mo'L says, "That's a very competitive price, I must say."

Replies the barman, "Will you be wanting a glass with that, sir?"

[BigTone]

What to do on a train or flight when you have a really annoying passenger sitting next to you.

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:

7. Take a deep breath and open this site:

Http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.

[BigTone]

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat

things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says,

"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like

there's no tomorrow!"

[BigTone]

I his last days on Earth, Bob Hope accepts an invitation to go on Surprise, Surprise, where he brags to Cilla that, despite is 97 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

After the show, Cilla wanders over. "Look Bob" she purrs. "I hope I'm not being too forward, but I'd love to have sex with an older man."

Smiling, the pair go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Bob turns to the Liverpudlian loadhailer. "If you think that was good," he grins, "let me sleep for half an hour and we'll do it again. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand"

Perplexed, Cilla nevertheless agrees - and after 30 minutes kip Bob wakes up and makes love like an athletic 25 year old.

As before, Bob turns to the Mersey motormouth. "Cilla, that was wonderful," he smiles. "But if you let me sleep for an hour - again while holding my genitals - we can have the best sex yet."

But Cilla is curious. "Bob, tell me," she asks. "Does my holding your your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right hand stimulate you while you are sleeping?"

Bob shakes his head. "No," he replies, "It's just that last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my wallet."

[BigTone]

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still

alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely

s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the

message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

[BigTone]

Police Raid in Liverpool

Police in Liverpool just announced the discovery of an arms cache of

2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10

anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50

million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes

all in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a ******* Library!!"

[jambodinho]

I met a fairy today and she said she would grant me 1 wish. '' I want to live forever '' I said. '' I can't grant wishes like that '' came her reply. '' Ok, well in that case, I'd like to die when Liverpool win the Premier League ''. '' You crafty bastard '' said the fairy.

[BigTone]

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[BigTone]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow

'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex

zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed

and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle

platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five

feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,

and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten

feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze

parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e

said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Mon ami!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

[BigTone]

Ok so, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed of because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother, and he begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says

"Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for

his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:

"Wait a minute! My willy's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do willys. You

will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way to find the Wizard.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same

woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy

godmother.

He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears, none of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the fact hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees he is, in fact, brown with the

exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says:

"But my willy is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see the Wizard of

Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell

do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy.....just follow the yellow

dick Toad!"

[BigTone]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[BigTone]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "Good ! We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

[BigTone]

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[BigTone]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

[BigTone]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[BigTone]

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

[BigTone]

One day a man went into a chemist and asked the girl behind the counter for three packs of condoms.

"Yes, certainly." she replied "Have you tried the coloured ones? There's blue, red and yellow."

"No, actually I haven't tried them but I think I will give them a go. I'll have one pack of each colour please."

The girl gave him the condoms and he left.

Nine months later the same man walked into the chemist. The same girl was serving behind the counter.

"I'll have one maternity bra please." said the man.

"What bust?" asked the girl.

The man replied "The blue one."

[BigTone]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"

The old man says "I'll have the soup."