Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

Oh,' said the man, 'who's clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

'Brown's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

[BigTone]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either."

[BigTone]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .

They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such,

when they passed a small shoe shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You

foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be

interested in.. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the

man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex

God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Man.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and

tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his

eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the

table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm

hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[BigTone]

Edited August 12, 2009 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

A man walks into a bar with a newt clinging to his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and says to the barman and makes his order

' I'll have a pint for myself and a half for m'mate, Tiny'

As the barman was pulling the pint he asked

'Why do you call him Tiny'

The reply was obvious

'Because he's my newt.'

[BigTone]

A woman asked her husband, "would you like a fried breakfast or some cereal?"

"Thanks" he replies, "but I'm not hungry right now, it's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite".

Lunchtime arrives and she asks if he'd like a sandwich.

He declines again.

"It's the Viagra" he repeats, " I just don't feel hungry".

Come teatime, she asks if he wants any food.

"No, I'm fine" he says, "this Viagra has ruined my appetite".

"Well" says his wife.....

"would you mind letting me up then? I'm bloody starving"!

Edited August 30, 2009 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning"

He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."

[BigTone]

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by

mistake. Both are in intensive care...

one has a dodgy tikka

and the other one is in a korma.

[BigTone]

A man checked into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He

thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths

when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel

and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl,

bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right

places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the

picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.. When back

in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room

and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all

alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I

want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've

got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up,

cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!

Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside

line

[BigTone]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The employer (wife) was put out

about this and decided to take her to task about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'What?...Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (shocked and furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So what sort of money are we talking about?'

[BigTone]

As men age we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees. Nowadays the medical profession seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists, etc., and in my case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a "just out of medical school" female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, as well as unbelievably sexy..

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

[BigTone]

Yesterday, A man accidentally ate a bowl of Brillo pads which he'd mistaken for Shredded Wheat.

The news from the hospital is good, they expect him to scrape through.

[BigTone]

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.''

The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?''

''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "**** off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

[BigTone]

A man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him and because she's got a uniform on he concludes that she's an off-duty flight attendant.

He decides to have a go at impressing her by identifying the airline she flies for.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f#ck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

"Ryanair".

[BigTone]

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "whats wrong?"

The boy says "me ma is dead"

"oh jaysus" the man says, "d'ya want me to get Father O'Reilly?"

Wee boy says "no thanks, sex is de last thing on me mind roight now"

[BigTone]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally

cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am an Everton fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you an Everton fan?

'Because my mum is an Everton fan, and my dad is an Everton fan, so I'm an Everton fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be an Everton fan'.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

[BigTone]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day, when there's a knock at the door.

Standing in Nelson's doorway is a small Japanese man, dressed in a white coat and holding a clipboard.

"Two thousand front headlights?" exclaims Nelson, "I haven't ordered headlights, you must have the wrong address, now good day to you". And he shuts the door.

The following morning, Nelson hears the door bell ring. He opens the door, and again there is the small Japanese chap, white coat and clipboard.

"You take derivery of 124 pair rinscreen riper" Says the man.

"Windscreen wipers? I haven't ordered windscreen wipers, now clear off!" and he slams the door.

Saturday morning arrives and Nelson is just sitting down with his freedom coffee and the paper, when there's a knock at the door. Again, standing in the doorway is the Japanese man.

Looking down at his clipboard he says "You take derivery of 600 spark prugs"

"Now listen to me" screams a very irate Nelson. "I don't know what's Going on here, but let me make this perfectly clear, I HAVEN'T ORDERED ANY CAR PARTS, NOW GO AWAY!!"

The bewildered Japanese man looks hard at his clipboard and then says

"So you not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[BigTone]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and

coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.

I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

[BigTone]

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed

during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a

climax once in a while..

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since

there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot

summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having

difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big

towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would

cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big

towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to

the Vet.

The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have

sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,

ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a

half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a

boasting voice said:

"And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a ****in' towel"

[BigTone]

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing

[BigTone]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center. Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[BigTone]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,

'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation .

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,

'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter, 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that..'

[BigTone]

In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father ?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Chancellor before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Darling, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re~elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".

Darling agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Gordon's hand in his right hand and Alistair's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Gordon spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end ?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Gordon. "Amen", said Alistair.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

[BigTone]

On a recent trip to North America British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, BC.

He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name Walking Eagle.

The proud Brown then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left. A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Brown. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China .

While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous

and does not use a condom at all.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes

one morning to find his penis covered with bright green

and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The

doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders

some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says:

'I've got bad news for you.

You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'.

The man looks a little perplexed and says:

'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'.

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease'.

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?'

What, cut your dick off !!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:

'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies.

'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks,

fall off by itself!

'You save money.