Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for Bristol City Council. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

[BigTone]

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the

first time. The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm going to wear me

sum hot pink panties beefo I get on that plane."

"Why you going to wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if that plane goes down and I'm out dare

laying butt-up in a conefield, dey going to find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-going to wear me some floeesant orange

panties."

"Why you going to wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I

be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties.........

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, "that's right girlfriends, you hears me right.

I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey

always look for the black box first."

[BigTone]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'so, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?' The Lone Ranger responds,

'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,

who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his

back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone

Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: 'Listen very carefully, you idiot, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!'

Edited July 27, 2008 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

An Amish farmer was walking through his field when he noticed

A man drinking from his pond, using one hand.

The Amish man shouted, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen

Haben dahin gesheissen."

(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.")

The man shouted back, "I'm a Muslim, and I don't understand

Your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man responded, "Use both hands, you'll get more!"

[BigTone]

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,

'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,

'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,

'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

[BigTone]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns To tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

[BigTone]

This man walks in to the chemists and sheepishly asks the chemist if he stocks viagra.

The chemist replied 'I do.'

The man asks 'Does it work?'

The chemist says 'It certainly does.'

The man says 'Can you get it over the counter?'

The chemist replies 'Yes, but to do that I need to take two.'

[BigTone]

Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of the West End.

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do youbring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.

Parvinder says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Parvinder says, 'No wonder you only get £2-3.'

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign......

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.'

[BigTone]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer

wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no d#ck!!

Edited July 31, 2008 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

After his physical exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The old lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh, that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is usually in January.'

[BigTone]

A man rung up the obituary section of the Yorkshire Evening Post and a woman answered.

"Can I help?"

"Yes, my wife has sadly died and I wish to write a message in your column. How many words can I have for £1?" the man asked.

"That will get you three words sir." the woman replied.

The Yorkshireman said "OK then... can you write: Margorie is dead."

But the woman at the Yorkshire Evening Post felt sorry for the man so she said:

"Tell you what, I'll give you another three words for free. Just tell me what you want to say."

"OK then... Margorie is dead, Fiesta for sale."

[BigTone]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for 10 million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is my 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

Then the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's head, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win. The money is in a briefcase buried behind a shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in New Orleans!"

The Godfather asks the attorney eagerly, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[BigTone]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes,

she started talking to him.

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?

I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the

ashes then said. "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing

her fingers in the ashes she said. "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she

said.

"Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?"

"Get ready, here it comes...."

[BigTone]

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'

So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

'I am a DRAKE , you've made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

[BigTone]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[BigTone]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean , me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr.Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'

[BigTone]

A man walks into a drug store and says to the Pharmacist behind the counter,

'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says, 'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'

Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'

The next day the man walks into the same drug store, right up to the same Pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's old fella is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'

The Pharmacist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'

The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'

[BigTone]

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."

The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry; the Viagra takes away my appetite."

Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."

The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra."

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."

The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."

The wife then firmly says "well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!"

[BigTone]

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.

The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered,"Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex

anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."

[BigTone]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and

informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The

son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love

and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes

him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up

the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking

his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a

whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant 'Take another drink'!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons

chant 'Take another drink'!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,

grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees, tearfully giving thanks

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to

the right ... right through the front door, into the street, where a

truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...

'He should have quit while he was a head!

[BigTone]

The Lone Ranger (TLR) and Tonto rode into town. They hitch their horses

outside a saloon and TLR says "Ahm goin in for a drink, but you aint

allowed in becos yo are an Injun - now, ah know it's a bit cold out heah, so

why don't you run up and own the street to keep yoself warm."

TLR is enjoying his whiskey when a cowpoke come in and says "You TLR"?

"Yup"

"Did you know you left yo Injun running outside"?

[BigTone]

Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your

biscuit going soft!

[BigTone]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold

Blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat

Will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My

Hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs.

The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his

Hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the

Daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between

My legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed

His nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he

Said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her

Mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a

Penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why Do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost,

Don't they?"

[red-or-dead]

A guy goes into a pub with a cat and an ostrich.

Three pints please, The Barman duly delivers and they all proceed to sup.

Next the ostrich orders three pints, Then the guy and so on.

Many, many pints later the barman says -

"You and that ostrich have been buying drinks all night and that cat hasn't bought one yet, whats the crack?"

The bloke replies-

"Its my own fault really, I rubbed this lamp and out popped a genie, grants me a wish, i asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"

[BigTone]

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

[BigTone]

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[BigTone]

Two brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[BigTone]

A beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde goes to her

local pet store in search of an exotic pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box

full of frogs.

The sign on the box says: "Oral Sex" Frogs!

Only £20 each! Money Back Guarantee

(Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's

watching her and whispers softly to the man

behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow

the instructions carefully.

" The girl nods, grabs the box, and is

quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment,

the girl takes out the instructions and reads

them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.

[1] Take a shower.

[2] Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

[3] Slip into a very sexy nightie.

[4] Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the

frog down "there".

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog

between her legs and to her

surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally

frustrated and quite upset at

this point. She rereads the instructions and

notices at the bottom of the

paper it says, "If you have any problems or

questions please call the pet

store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man

says, "I had some complaints earlier today.

I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her

doorbell. The girl welcomes him

in and says, "See, I've done everything according

to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up

the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly

says: "Listen to me! I'm

only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[Drew Peacock]

Some bloke in the paralympics has just tested positive for WD40

[BigTone]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting

loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a

malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right!' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'