Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday.

She told D*ck Cheney, "The bird is so smart -- George has already

taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that

he just says the words. He doesn't really understand what they mean."

"That's true," Laura replied, "but then neither does the parrot."

Edited November 3, 2007 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis & Clark National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears. They also advise you to carry pepper spray.

In the case of an encounter with a bear, it is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them and smell like pepper spay.

[BigTone]

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[BigTone]

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

[BigTone]

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[BigTone]

Three women were sitting in a bar, (a brunette, red head, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy".

The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

[BigTone]

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".

He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...

The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...

Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"

The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".

[BigTone]

Patrick gets a job on a building site.

After a couple of hours he desperatly needs the use of a toilet. He asks the foreman where toilets are and is pointed to a row of blue porta-loos at the far end of the site.

An hour or so later the foreman notices Patrick hasn't returned so, getting worried, he sets off to look for him.

He finds Patrick in one of the porta-loos franticly stirring the contents of the tank with a big stick.

"What the hell are you doing, Pat ?", the foreman exclaimed.

"I've accidentally dropped my jacket in there and i'm trying to find it", replies Patrick.

"Bloody hell!, your not going to wear it after it's been in there are you?", asks the foreman.

"Of course not", replies Patrick, . "but my sandwhiches are in one of the pockets".

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Life Line.

I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive

a truck or fly an airplane.

[BigTone]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"

"Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well...not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

[reddoh]

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Life Line.

I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive

a truck or fly an airplane.

tut tut

Had I been 5 years older I may have wet myself

[BigTone]

A ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a

local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Welsh Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Welsh Bloke: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the

villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes

me to the lake once a week to play."

Welsh Bloke: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welsh Bloke: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Welsh Bloke: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes me

down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Welsh Bloke: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welsh Bloke: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

[BigTone]

A Scotsman asks a dentist the cost of a tooth extraction.

'$85 for an extraction, sir', was the dentist's reply.

'$85!!!! can ye no do it cheaper, lad?'

'That's the normal charge,' said the dentist.

'Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?'

'That's unusual sir, but I could do it and knock off $20'.

'Whit if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot anesthetic?'

'I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it would be very painful.

But the price could drop to $40.'

'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, hae yer student do the extraction wi' the ither students watchin' and learnin'?'

'It'll be good for the students,' mulled the dentist.

'I'll pay you $10. But it could be very traumatic.'

'Ach, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal!

Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?'

[BigTone]

Every time I sit down to try to take a dump, I start reading the newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business. I think might I have Attention Defecate Disorder.

[BigTone]

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs apart, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same.

The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs apart, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband inquires of his wife, 'Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?'

The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and inquires of his wife, 'Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?'

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house 'nd walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?' she asks hesitantly.

'I don't rightly know, replies the woman,' 'but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon.'

[giles_23_bcfc]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She

goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'..She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have vagina'.......'Yes' she says...... The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours.'

[BigTone]

One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and says, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.' With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?' The man replied, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'

[BigTone]

Little Johnny was walking home from school one day and saw his Grandad on the front porch with out any trousers on ... Young Johnny asks his Grandad why he is sat outside with out any trousers on .. His Grandad replies 'well Johnny, yesterday I sat out here without a top on and got a stiff neck .. This was your Grandma's idea!'

[BigTone]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

[BigTone]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[giles_23_bcfc]

Entire Family Beats Child

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him!

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football Team , whom the boy firmly believes are not currently capable of beating anyone.

[BigTone]

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, 'Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!' 'I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.' 'Oh really' she spat. 'then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour.'

[BigTone]