Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg.

"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

[BigTone]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,

that's the law. License, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and you

give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton

and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[BigTone]

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was

After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a

Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar

, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she

said. 'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he

touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went

straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for

a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers

and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he

showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she

let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her P arty

Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It

was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish

Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar, it felt a bit

Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however,

he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.. He did a

Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by

giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,

Caramel., Sadly 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to

drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie

Basset who had Allsorts

[BigTone]

The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

[BigTone]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and

noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was

a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of

many." The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds,"

and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and

said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

[BigTone]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after

another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son,

you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will

give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Jihnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business

[BigTone]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed

to go to the bathroom He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a

piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to

use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urin! ate'.

Please use the word 'your-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will

allow you to go."

Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but

if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

[BigTone]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we

are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody

have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[giles_23_bcfc]

A nun is on a bus and asks if anyone can help her before she dies? She wants to have sex but it must be up the a$s so she can remain a virgin and the kindgentleman helper must be single.

The bus driver offers to help out as there is no one else on the bus , he gives the nun what she wants and sh*gs her up the a$s. The nun thanks him, but feeling guilty the bus driver tells the nun that he was lying and in fact his name is John and he is married with kids !!

The nun replies "don't worry I lied too, my name is Kevin and I am on the way to a fancy dress party" !!!

[BigTone]

Sorry for disappearing but internet was down for ages.

Anyway here goes again:

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"

[BigTone]

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives Bubba a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, "Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank cheque. "Dere's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," Bubba says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So, .........

...........I just switched the heads"

[BigTone]

A Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion...our wedding night, and we need a nice room with a good, strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a minute and then replied, "Nope, I reckon not, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while

they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped

into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled

him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she

immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now

considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news

and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were

able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life

of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound

mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe

belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

[giles_23_bcfc]

A guy walks into a very high tech bar. As he sat down on the stool, he noticed the bartender was a robot. The robot immediately clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought for a moment, then replied, "A martini please"

The robot beeped a few times and mixed the best martini the man ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164" The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, latest medical breakthroughs etc.,etc., The man was most impressed.

The man left the bar and wondered about the IQ question. He returned later and once again the robot clicked to attention and asked what the man would have? "A martini please"

Again, it was superb. The robot then asked, "What is your IQ sir ?" This time the man answered, "Oh about a hundred" and the robot started discussing Top Gear, Football, Rugby and the latest score from the test match at Headingly. Once again the man was impressed, but he just had to try it one more time.

He left the bar once again and returned and took a stool at the bar. Another faultless martini and the inevitable question, "Sir, what is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out, "Oh, about 50" The robot beeped and clicked and then leaned very close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h P-a-u-l T-r-o-l-l-o-p-e?????

[BigTone]

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

[BigTone]

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him

"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"

[BigTone]

An Aberdonian was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two

animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus

clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aberdonian.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful

woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed

her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their

evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus

clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and,

realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,

cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[BigTone]

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

the guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I

was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda

about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to

country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one

figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable

spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me

out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle

down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover

security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I

uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I

got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for

the dog.

Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so

cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

[Henry]

You need to find new jokes to copy and paste instead of recyling!

[BigTone]

You need to find new jokes to copy and paste instead of recyling!

Sunshine, when you get to my age one can get forgetful.

Anyway, your contribution is.......

[BigTone]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[BigTone]

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.

"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're going to go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

[BigTone]

Off to Paris few a few days so in the meantime Henry will lead the way.

Ooo Roo

[Henry]

Sorry no offence meant, Tone.

Edited September 19, 2007 by Henry

[BigTone]

The Cardiff Zookeeper says to JGwynfor "The Gorilla's on heat and I need someone to mate with her will you do it for £500??"

Gwynfor replies "I will on three conditions:

1.I don't kiss her.

2.My family don't get to know.

3.You give me two weeks to get the cash together!!"