Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a f###ing toffee apple.

Edited May 23, 2008 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for

Several hours

And got horrible sunburn,

Specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being

diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting

to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed

Continuous intravenous feeding

With saline, electrolytes, a

sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse,

who was rather astounded, asked,

"What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"?

The doctor replied,

"It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off

his legs."

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.' The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the end of the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?' 'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a Chelsea fan and a Man U supporter!'

[BigTone]

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[BigTone]

[Dollymarie]

Oooooh ooooooh! Me can I do one please!

The Samaritans have set up a special number for disappointed Chelsea fans to ring if they are feeling depressed after this season. The number is 0800 101010

Thats 0800 won nothing, won nothing won nothing!

[BigTone]

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take

a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my

wife, 'Where is the rake?'

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, 'What?'

I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said 'What?'

I repeated the gestures. 'Eye - Kneed - The Rake'

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points

to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her

backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I

could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, 'What the hell was that?'

She replies,

'Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush' !!!! -

[BigTone]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could only take 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yup, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[BigTone]

A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear like a sailor.

On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words.

On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:

"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"

[BigTone]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Jack, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says Jack. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says Jack. 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the landlord.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

[Radstock Red]

Just heard the news on the radio, A lorry carrying snooker equipment has overturned on the M32.

There's queues all over the place!

PS- The Driver is under a rest.

[BigTone]

Miss Smith askes her class of 8 years olds the following question.

If there are 6 birds sitting on a fence and one gets shot, how many are left on the fence.

Mark puts up his hand as says "none miss"

"No, that is not correct says Miss Smith "5 are left"

"Oh no says Mark, cause the others hear the shot and fly away so none are left"

"Well" says Miss Smith, "I admire your thinking".

Mark then says to Miss Smith, "There are three ladies sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. One licks its long and smoothly, one nibbles at the edges and one puts in all in her mouth at once. Which one is married"

"Well" says Miss Smith, and after thinking for a while says "I think it is the one who puts it all in her mouth at once"..

"Well" said Mark, "actually it is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like your way of thinking"....

[BigTone]

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

[BigTone]

Bill and Tom are two Aussies working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it, and Bill, to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.

The nurse says,"Oh he's out in Rehab exercising."

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill.

A couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it, and Bill, off to hospital.

The next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.The nurse replies,"He's out in Rehab again exercising."

And, sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it, and Bill, to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says,"He's dead!"

Tom is shocked but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in." "No," says the nurse. "Some dopey b****** put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!"

[BigTone]

Bruce and Sheila are walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge. Sheila says 'Bruce I'm pregnant'. 'Struth' says Bruce. 'You're goin to have to marry me' says Sheila. 'No bleeding way' says Bruce. Sheila then says 'If you don't marry me I'm going to throw meself off Sydney Harbour Bridge'. Bruce replies, 'That's what I like about you Sheila, you're not just a good ****, you're a good sport too'.

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw. They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about a gallon'

[BigTone]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well Doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.. She tried with her right hand, then with her left- still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out

-still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that jar open.'

[BigTone]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,

and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look

at her.

'Ken ya swaller?' asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

'Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her

butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction

flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind

Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it!'

[BigTone]

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."

Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they''ll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.

The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we''ll be up here all day."

[BigTone]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a

little old Jewish man at a small stand selling, of all things, ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have any water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water, but would you like to buy a

tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'You idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.

Aneed water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not

want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger

than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two

miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold

water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering obscenities, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

The old Jewish man asked him, 'Did you find water?'

'Yes, replied the Taliban, but your f*cking brother

wouldn't let me in without a tie!'

[BigTone]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon

her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with

a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all

these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary

life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still

yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful

consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living

hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy

beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do'.

What do you want for your second wish?

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,

'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage

returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant

for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I

wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome

young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his

biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so

beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,

'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother

was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's

eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly

perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking

chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he

whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you had my b***ocks cut off'.

[BigTone]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a

little old Jewish man at a small stand selling, of all things, ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have any water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water, but would you like to buy a

tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'You idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.

Aneed water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not

want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger

than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two

miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold

water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering obscenities, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

The old Jewish man asked him, 'Did you find water?'

'Yes, replied the Taliban, but your f*cking brother

wouldn't let me in without a tie!'

[BigTone]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided

I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time

and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was

totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so

dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She

did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She

was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I

decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted

firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she

divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[Guest MaloneFM]

May I intercede for a moment large Antione?

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Ok," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the till, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the girl at the till.

[BigTone]

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida

Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few

Moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?

[BigTone]

A lonely man goes to the pet shop and asks for an unusual pet, not too big, not too hungry, that he can travel around with. He leaves the shop with a giant millipede in a cute little box. That evening, he taps on the box and says

" Do you fancy going out for a pint, I do?"

No reply, so he taps on the box and says " Do you fancy going out for a pint, I do?"

Still no reply so he taps on the box again and says " Do you fancy going out for a pint, I do?"

A little voice from the box pipes up......

¦

¦

¦

¦

¦

¦

¦

¦

¦

"O.K. O.K., I heard you the first time, I'm just putting my shoes on......"

[BigTone]

The Catholic church in Irealand decided to send their best bellringer, Paddy Murphy, to Paris to learn the tricks of bellringing from the great master Quasimodo of Notre Dame.

When Paddy arrived Quasi said to him Waatch thiis (Charles Laughton type accent). He then proceeded to hit the bell with his forehead until he had completed the 12 bells of midnight.

At 1 o clock Quasi indicated to Paddy to try for himself so Paddy nutted the bell which gave a sort of dull thud and then bounced back and threw Paddy out of the belltower to the steps below.

A passing gendarme patrol had noticed the dull thud of the bell and came to investigate. They found Paddy lying moaning on the steps.

One of the gendarmes looked up and recognising the face above asked.

'Who is this Quasimodo?' 'What is he doing here?'.

Quasimodo thought for a while and then said -

"That face doesn't ring a bell".

[BigTone]

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"