Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[BigTone]

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'

Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles."

So they rowed a little farther.... Again Bubbles asked Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough NOW?

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface.

Gasping for breath she said, 'OK, it's finally deep enough.

Hand me the shovel.

[BigTone]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:

'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:

'9.'

Principal:

'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:

'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,

'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a

question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:

'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:

'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:

'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:

'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the

teacher,

'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

[BigTone]

I was told by my optician the other day that I had to stop masturbating, "Oh No" says I "is it really true that it makes you go blind"

"No" says the optician "but it does upset the other patients in the waiting room"

[BigTone]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The

Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

[jambodinho]

I nicked a joint of beef from Tesco's the other day. The Security guard chased after me and shouted ''what are you doing with that?'' I shouted back, ''spuds, peas, carrots and a bit of gravy''

[jambodinho]

I was looking through the paper the other day and I was shocked to read that somebody had pick-pocketed a dwarf!! I mean, who could stoop so low?

[BigTone]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you

raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time..

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

[BigTone]

Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of

marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever

had in the 37 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Shiela to stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, nuzzled her

nipples till they stood erect and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow.

Her face was deeply flushed and she panted softly. Shiela shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week

. Can you do this?'

Barry thought for a moment and replied, well, I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf

,

Can you pick her up??

[BigTone]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.

'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

As you definitely have to stay here,

I'm going to have to let someone else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their

place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room in it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.

He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.

Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.

I would be in constant agony if all I could do

was break rocks all day,' commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while,

and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said,

'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'

[BigTone]

When Ron first noticed that his penis was growing larger

and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Ron became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and

even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that,

though rare, Ron's condition (Donkey Doodle,) it could be fixed through corrective surgery.

'How long will Ron be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.

'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[BigTone]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a l ift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

;

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[BigTone]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip

that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00 depending on speaker

size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have

always complained about men staring at their breasts and not

listening to them.

[BigTone]

Sorry after Tuesdays loss:

A bloke from Donny guz in t' 'jewellers:

He sez, "Can tha mek uz a gold statue o' mi dog?".

"Aye, a reckon a can," sez 'jeweller.

"Does tha want it eighteen carat?".

"Noa," sez 'bloke, " I'll 'have it chewin' a bone."

[BigTone]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[BigTone]

The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.

'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!!

'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'

[BigTone]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

[bcfcbs20]

paddy asks murphy if he wants a carton of fags when he goes on holiday

murphy says yes please 200 bensons

2 weeks later paddy walks in the pub here you go murphy 200 bensons

murphy asks how much do i owe you

paddy replies 54.50

murphy cant believe it where did you go he asks

paddy said butlins

[BigTone]

During the recent 'Transfer Window' Phil Brown, the Hull City manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to boost City's attack and hopefully avoid relegation after only their first season in the Premier League.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The City manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the KC Stadium.

Two days later Hull are 4-0 down with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for City. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the local newspaper, Hull Daily Mail, loves the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Hull in the first place!"

[BigTone]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide

* The Wall of Fear

* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation... 'I meant my dress size, you fe**ing tw*t !!!'

Edited February 25, 2009 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.**

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please!!!! Please!!!! allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently

took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and

put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!'

[BigTone]

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[BigTone]

A little brown paper bag goes to the doctors.

"I'm not well" he says.

The doc tears off a little bit of paper to send away for tests.

A week later, the little brown paper bag comes back for the results.

"I'm afraid youv'e got AIDS" says the doc.

"AIDS? ! How can I have AIDS? I'm just a little brown paper bag?"

The doc replies, "Maybe your mum or dad was a carrier" !

[BigTone]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE **** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!!!

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

[BigTone]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus...

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the ###### would you have said?

[BigTone]

Two old Japanese men down at the Tokyo Labour exchange, in line waiting to sign on for thier pensions.

Whilst waiting patiently one of them says to the other.

Good morning, my name is Harry (very common jap name).

The other shakes his hand and says;

Pleased to meet you Harry, my names Karry (another common jap christain name).

Karry says; " So, are you here to sign up for your pension?."

"Yes. I have just retired after 42 years working in the Tokyo Sewers".

"Bye eck !!!" says Harry, "Thats a coincidence. I've just retired and I worked there for 38 years. It's incredible that we have never met".

Karry replies; " It is unbelievable, we must have passed like nips in the shite !!".

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.

Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Ma ma, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man

Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'