Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,

sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk

continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side

either.'

[BigTone]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run

over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is

cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must

have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible

lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have

something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty

it was; but useless in a fight.'

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job, and what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,

I'm going to lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but

the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on

the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

[BigTone]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had

nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to

my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;

they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard

someone coming.... that was me.'

[Robbored]

Heres an old one -

Man gets an invitation to the premature ejaculation society dinner and dance so he phones them up to find out about the dress code. The man said that there wasn't one, "just come in your pants"

[BigTone]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking. He looks

to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.

'What are you doing?' he asks.

'I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very

drunk,' she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, 'I don't

remember asking her to cook my sock...'

[BigTone]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the hospital to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

[BigTone]

A man comes home from work to find his wife has packed her bags and is leaving him.

"I'm going to Australia to work as a prostitute" she announces, "I can get $500 a time doing what I do with you for free"

The man starts to pack his bags too. "What are you doing?" she asks

"I'm coming with you" he says -" I want to see you try to live on $1,000 a year"

[BigTone]

On the occasion of my friend's 58th birthday, he got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, my friend drove to the reservation, handed the ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what to expect.

The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say, "1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long

as you want."

My friend was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say, "1-2-3-4," he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

My friend was eager to see if it worked. He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join

him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

[BigTone]

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football,

is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes

left.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for

Liverpool .

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media

love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his

first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0

down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,

they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got

shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and

beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,

It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'

[BigTone]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead

and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town,your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and

sobbed.....

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

[BigTone]

Oprah Winfrey goes to Dr. Phil and confides in him:

'I just can't seem to keep my weight down,' she sobs. 'I've tried

Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Hollywood, Atkins, and a

thousand other diets and none of them have lasting results. I've

even tried hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & coffee enemas and still no

success. Can you help me?'

Dr. Phil says: 'I think I can help you, but first there's something I

need to check out. Take off all of your clothes and get down on your

hands and knees.'

Having tried all other remedies and not wanting to show her lack of

faith in the Doc, she obeys, strips down to her B'day suit and plops

down on the floor.

'Now crawl over by the fireplace and hold that position for 5

minutes.' says the Doc.

He stares at her from many different angles and then finally

says, 'Okay, Get Dressed and come back tomorrow.'

The next day, Oprah comes back and Dr Phil gives her the same

instructions, but this time he has her crawl over by the Christmas

tree and hold the position for 5 minutes.

'Again he walks around the room looking at her from all angles and

rubbing his chin in deep thought. After 5 minutes he has her get

dressed and tells her to come back the following day.

This goes on for three more days and Oprah has stripped and crawled

by the French doors, the throw rug, the desk and she's getting pretty

steamed about now. She finally gets dressed and

says:

'Look Doc, I've tried lots of crazy stuff in my life to lose weight,

but how is crawling around naked on your floor going to help me lose

weight'?

Dr. Phil rubs his chin and says: 'Oh it won't, but I'm buying an

overstuffed black leather sofa for my office and I wanted to see

where it would look best.'

[BigTone]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

[BigTone]

A priest checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist

'I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled'.

She replies 'No sir, it's just ordinary porn, you sick bastard'.

[BigTone]

Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the

bush. You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in

hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All

Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what

your a**e is for.

[BigTone]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there; he takes off his clothes and starts to wander

around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an

erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you

call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that

if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a

towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with

her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the

Sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward

him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it

implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around,

bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by

the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and

you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You

haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection

once a month. I fart 15 times a day!!

[BigTone]

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then

suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of

minge drinking

[BigTone]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[BigTone]

Three lads in a lap dancing club were watching a buxom blonde gyrating on the pole.

The lad from Nottingham stuck £20 on her left buttock.

Not to be out done the lad from Derby stuck £30 on her right buttock.

The Scottish lad swiped his visa down the crack of her a*se and took the

£50 cash back

[BigTone]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the

motorway."

"You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but

something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was

chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000

compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build

you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in

fact.

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an

inch."

The bloke perks up at this. "So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for

you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better

discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and

you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you

had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher

this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role

in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the

next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have." says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has" says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor. .. .

"We're having a new kitchen."

[BigTone]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.

"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

[BigTone]

Al Quaeda are now believed to be putting cans of Heinz Alphagetti in their exposive devices.

Security forces believe this could spell disaster.

[BigTone]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

[BigTone]

A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.

"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"

"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."

[BigTone]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him

looking for work in six weeks'.

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work

in four weeks'.

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have

them both looking for work in two weeks'.

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two a**eholes out of Scotland , put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.

[BigTone]

I said to my friend Daffyd, "did you hear about Woolies going down?"

Bless him, he looked all excited for a moment

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going

to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long

time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,

walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,

using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray

for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to

grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f * ckin' wall."

[BigTone]

A man is given a pet parrot for Christmas. The parrot is highly intelligent but all he ever does is swear, continually shouting out obscene words and phrases.

The man tells the parrot that if he doesn't stop swearing he is going to open the door of his freezer and shove him in. The parrot laughs and tells him to **** off. Sure enough, the man opens his freezer, grabs the bird, throws him inside and slams the door shut. The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out and promising never to swear again.

The man relents and agrees to give the bird one more chance and removes it from the freezer.

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and asks the man, "Now that I've promised to stop swearing please tell me: what did the turkey do?"