Jump to content

Welcome to One Team in Bristol - Bristol City Forums

Welcome to One Team in Bristol - Bristol City Forums, like most online communities you must register to view or post in our community, but don't worry this is a simple free process that requires minimal information for you to signup. Be a part of One Team in Bristol - Bristol City Forums by signing in or creating an account.

  • Start new topics and reply to others
  • Full access to all forums (not all viewable as guest)
  • Subscribe to topics and forums to get email updates
  • Get your own profile page and make new friends
  • Send personal messages to other members.
  • Support OTIB with a premium membership

WRITTEN Jokes Thread


Recommended Posts

In the local tavern just before he seats sail. Says cheerio to all his mates  ‘see you in about three years’ and off he goes....

Three years later he turns up again but this time he’s got a peg leg, eye patch and a hook.

He was asked asked what happened to him.  
‘ the leg I lost when a Portuguese  cannonball took it right off, arr’ 

‘ me hand was chopped off my a Spanish sailor with a cutlass arr’

’ the eye I lost when a seagull shit in it arr’

He was asked how did seagull shit cause him to lose his eye

’ it was the first day with the hook’........

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

A little Indian boy sits next to his father and asks the question ;

‘ Father , why is my sister called ‘ Moon in Pine ‘ ?

‘ Well son , when you sister was born the first thing I saw when I brought her out of the teepee was the moon breaking through the pine trees , so we called her Moon in Pine  ‘

‘ Why is my brother called ‘ Running Bear  ‘ ? ‘

‘ Well , when your brother was born the first thing I saw when I presented him to the world was a powerful bear running through the forest, why do you ask , Two Dogs Shagging ? ‘

Link to post
Share on other sites

A big moment for the kingdom the royal baby is born , perfect in every way except that the poor infant has no ears.

As is the custom the staff of the palace are assembled to be introduced to the newborn.

The Lord Chamberlain explains to them all that their Royal Highnesses are very upset by the baby’s malformation and not to speak about it.

First up is the butler , he coos over the crib and exclaims ;

‘ What a fine strong boy he is , you must look after his legs ‘ 

‘ His legs ? ‘ replied the King .

‘ Why yes your majesty, I think he will be a fantastic athlete ‘

‘Oh , thank you ‘ 

Next in line is the Governess ;

‘ Oh what a handsome child , you must take care of his hands ‘

‘ His hands , whatever for ? ‘

‘ Oh he’s going to be a fine musician, your Majesty ‘ 

The King and Queen are happy when up steps the cook ;

‘ What a Bonny baby , you must look after his eyes ‘

‘ His eyes ? ‘

‘ Yes your Majesty because he won’t be able to wear glasses ‘

  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 07/04/2020 at 08:09, Major Isewater said:

Deer meat is venison but I understand it needs to be spelt out to us ! 
 

:laughcont:

I would buy venison but I just find it a little Deer.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/04/2020 at 13:24, Red-Robbo said:

Been very bored during the lockdown so my wife suggested that I do something creative and make a bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I did one and put her in it at number 7.

It was worse when she saw her sister was number 3.

  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Port Said Red said:

It was worse when she saw her sister was number 3.

and her mother at number 2.

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Two tramps meet in the road and one says to the other ;
‘ You look remarkably well fed , my friend ‘ 

‘ Ah ‘ , says the other , ‘ watch me , I have a ruse ‘ .

The two men walk to a big manor house where the fat one picks up a horse dropping , walks up the drive way and knocks on the front door.

The lady of the house opens the door and the tramp asks, 

‘ Hello , I was just wondering if you might have a bit of salt for my lunch ‘ 
holding up the horse dropping.

‘ My goodness me , you can’t eat that . Throw it away and come into the kitchen. I have some roast dinner left over and some trifle as well ‘ said the woman .

A little later the man leaves the house after his slap up meal and rejoins his friend .

‘ There you go . It’s really easy ‘ 

They walk a bit further and the second man sees a big country house and decides to try his luck . He picks up some horse doings and marches up to the front door where he confidently rings the bell.

‘ Hello madam, I was wondering if you’d have a bit of salt for my lunch, if you please ? ‘

The lady looks at what the man has in his hands and says ,

‘ You can’t eat that it’s disgusting . Go to the stables round the back and help yourself to some fresh ‘ .

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 16/04/2020 at 13:19, Major Isewater said:

Two tramps meet in the road and one says to the other ;
‘ You look remarkably well fed , my friend ‘ 

‘ Ah ‘ , says the other , ‘ watch me , I have a ruse ‘ .

The two men walk to a big manor house where the fat one picks up a horse dropping , walks up the drive way and knocks on the front door.

The lady of the house opens the door and the tramp asks, 

‘ Hello , I was just wondering if you might have a bit of salt for my lunch ‘ 
holding up the horse dropping.

‘ My goodness me , you can’t eat that . Throw it away and come into the kitchen. I have some roast dinner left over and some trifle as well ‘ said the woman .

A little later the man leaves the house after his slap up meal and rejoins his friend .

‘ There you go . It’s really easy ‘ 

They walk a bit further and the second man sees a big country house and decides to try his luck . He picks up some horse doings and marches up to the front door where he confidently rings the bell.

‘ Hello madam, I was wondering if you’d have a bit of salt for my lunch, if you please ? ‘

The lady looks at what the man has in his hands and says ,

‘ You can’t eat that it’s disgusting . Go to the stables round the back and help yourself to some fresh ‘ .

On a similar theme:

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place... the grass is almost a foot high!"

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

EXCELLENT ADVICE

Heard a Doctor on TV say to have inner peace and stop worrying about covid-19 we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked through my house to  find things I’d started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how  fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

 

 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

 I don't know if this is a scam or not, but I just had a phone call with a (clearly) recorded voice saying I've won a competition and could choose either £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute show, after a short pause it then said press one for the money or two for the show.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sat upstairs yesterday and heard my wife calling from downstairs “Do you ever have shooting pains in your limbs or neck, like someone is putting pins in a voodoo doll?”
“No” I replied.

”How about now?” she said.

 

Edited by Port Said Red
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish friend, “I'm stuck on this one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “

He said “Marooned”

I replied “Thanks, I'll have a pint of lager”

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Some of the oldest jokes still carry the spark of very funny humour.

Try these, which I’ve been holding on to since about 2000.

 

 

If you'd offered me a 69 at the start this morning, I'd have been all
over you."  (Sam Torrance (Golfer) , BBC2)

"The band never actually split up - we just stopped speaking to each other
and went our own separate ways." (Boy George, Radio 2)

"Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects, such as a shark
in formaldehyde."  (Arts Commentator, Radio 4)


"Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive, and
skilful.  And best of all it keeps them off the street." (Radio 1 Newsbeat)

"It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil."
(Greg Phillips, Portsmouth News)

"The balloon may be forced to ditch in the Pacific. Mr Branson, however,
remains buoyant..." (Radio 4 News)

"I'm glad two sides of the cherry have been put forward." (Geoff Boycott, Radio 5 Live)

"It has been the German Army's largest peacetime operation since World War
2"  (ITN)

"Do Britain's drug laws need a shot in the arm?" (Radio 4)

"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish"
(Ian St John)

"The swimmers are swimming out of their socks." (Sharron Davies, BBC)

"In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse." (Stephen Roche, Eurosport)

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock."  (Barry Venison, ITV)


"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." (Ian Wright, ITV)

"It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has always been part
of its past."  (David Duffy, Eurosport)

"And that was played by the Lindsay String Quartet... or at least two thirds
of them."  (Sean Rafferty, Radio 3)

"The Croatians don't play well without the ball."  (Barry Venison)

"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball."  (Ian St John)

"They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil
or  even less."  (Nasser Hussain, Channel 5)

"So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell us what
it's about."  (George Gavin, Sky Sports)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."  (Mark Draper - Aston Villa)

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
(David Coleman)

"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem"  (Howard Wilkinson)

"Willie Carson, riding his 180th winner of the season, spent the last two
furlongs looking over one shoulder, then another, even between his legs,
but  there was nothing there to worry him." (Sporting Life)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the
race,  only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't
underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought"
(Bobby Robson)

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get
his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think
Germany  has of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of
play"  (Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they
equalised"  (Ian McNail)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)


"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost"
(Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."  (David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
identical"  (Murray Walker)

"She's not Ben Johnson - but then who is?" (David Coleman)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and
square"  (Trevor Bailey)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)

"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round
numbers"  (Murray Walker)

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil
than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)


"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again"  (Terry Venables)

  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

A rich man living in essex decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. 

He  also invited Dai, the only welshman in the posh neighbourhood..  He held  the party around the pool in the grounds of his mansion. 
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, steaks from the BBQ and flirting.

At  the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating  crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million quid to anyone who has  the balls to jump in.' 

The  words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and  everyone turned around and saw Dai in the pool fighting the croc,  jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs,
throwing  punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds,  biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like  some kind of Judo Instructor. 

The  water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Dai and the croc  were screaming and raising hell. Finally Dai strangled the croc and  let it float to the top like a dead goldfish then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. 

The host says, 'Well, Dai, I reckon I owe you a million pounds, 
'Nah, you're all right butt, I don't want it,' says Dai 
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.  How about half a million quid then?' 
'No thanks... I don't want it,' answers Dai. 
The  host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was  amazing.  How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' 
Again, Dai said "No." 
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well then what do you want? 
Dai said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in!!.

  • Haha 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

My mate came up to me and said: "I don't know what I'm going to do! I've spent all my money buying first edition Beatles' records and now I can't pay the mortgage or feed the kids!"

I said: "It sounds like you need help."

"No, I've got that one," he replied.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just got a new iPhone, so thought I'd try out this Siri thing as I've not used it before.

 

"Surely it's not going to rain at the weekend is it?" I asked Siri.

 

"It is going to rain at the weekend, and don't call me Shirley", Siri replied.

 

Turns out I had it on Airplane mode

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...